24 Nov 10

Happy Thanksgiving From Your Friends at the Federal Government

These beautiful and peace-loving creatures will not be eaten!Hello fellow residents inside the borders of these United States.  Once again Thanksgiving has come around.  As some of you may be aware, the Federal Government, using the powers vested in it by the Constitution, have made changes to the way Americans celebrate this Eurocentric holiday.

It would have been our preference to ban this holiday outright but many Americans are fearful of change and cling to old established ways. Hence, we have decided to implement incremental changes to this racist and genocidal holiday.

Starting this year, turkey will be banned.  The turkey is a gentle, peace-loving creature and does not deserve to have genocide committed against it every year to satisfy the blood lust of meat-eating America.  To replace turkey, the Government suggests sushi or perhaps Belgian Endive.

Many of you have traveled to arrive at your holiday destination and no doubt are still sore from your intrusive TSA-mandated physical pat down search at the airport.  This is good.  Consider your pain as penance for the destruction of the native American way of life.

Beginning next year we have mandated that a representative of a native American tribe must attend your “Thanksgiving” dinner.  It will be his/her job to remind you of how the European drove him from his lands and reduced him to poverty.  He/she will also be handing out coupons for free parking at their tribal casino.  If we run of out native Americans we will send Shania Twain instead.

Following the brave lead of the city of San Francisco,  by Thanksgiving 2012 the Federal Government will ban male genital mutilation, commonly known as circumcision.  A “Junk Verifier” from the Government will attend your meal to see if any of the male attendees have been genitally mutilated.  Those found to be mutilated will have their coupons for free parking at tribal casinos confiscated.

By Thanksgiving 2013 the violent, testosterone-filled sport of Football will have been banned.  Instead of watching football Americans will have the choice of The View or Sex in the City marathons.  While we appreciate that this may be painful for some the Federal Government does not make this change lightly.  We do this to advance world peace.  We are tired of men using their testosterone to start violence and war.

And finally, by November 2014 Thanksgiving itself will be abolished and replaced by a more suitable holiday.  This new holiday will be a meat-free, circumcision-free, football-free day of peace and reconciliation. At precisely noon on this day all Americans will join hands and sing Kum-Ba-Ya. Americans will have four years to learn the lyrics.  Those who on that date do not know the lyrics will have their coupons for free parking at tribal casinos confiscated.

We at the Federal Government thank you for your cooperation.

Have a nice day.

(879)

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23 Nov 10

TSA Announces New Job Opportunities

We at the TSA touch your junk for safety’s sakeWith unemployment in the U.S. still hovering around 10%, relief may be in sight.  The TSA has announced a new “Junk Toucher” job program.

The TSA’ s website, under the “Join us” section  has further details on their new job program:

Are you surly, overweight?  Do you live in your parent’s basement? Have you never known the touch of a woman (or a man?).  If so, a career at the TSA awaits.  Our new Junk Toucher program is right for you.

  1. Apprentice Junk Toucher.   The Apprentice Junk Toucher is our entry level position.  With a starting salary of $45,000 start your career with the Government!  As an Apprentice Junk Toucher you will learn to be menacing.  You will also learn basic skills such as cupping your hands around a man’s testicles, two-handed breast fondling and of course, which finger is best for insertion?  The obvious answer:  That depends on what the touchee had for lunch.
  2. After three years Apprentice Junk Touchers have the opportunity to move up to Master Junk Toucher.  As a Master Junk Toucher you now have the skills that will make you the envy of non-federal employees. A Master Junk Toucher, with stating salaries of $85,000, gets to choose which junk he or she will touch.  A Master Junk Toucher has the right to touch anyone’s junk, anytime, anywhere.  The beach?  Go ahead and touch their junk. Dark movie theaters?  Touch it and show them your skills.  Parent/teacher conferences?  Little Billy may have gotten a “B” but after you are finished touching his teacher’s junk he’ll get an A.  And as a Master Junk Toucher you have the right to use TSA-approved sayings such as “You got a purdy mouth” and “I’m gonna make you squeal like a pig, boy.“

But don’t just take our word for it.  Here are testimonials from happy junk touchers:

David B. writes, I was 40 years old and my porn career was winding down.  What was I do to? I have no marketable skills and I’m too good-looking to work for Amway.  But thanks to the TSA I can use my junk touching skills for the good of society.   Thank you TSA!

Juan D. writes, After I got my parole I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t really want to go back to a life of crime.  But then my parole officer told me about Junk Touching.  I touched a lot of junk in prison and this was perfect.  Thanks again TSA!

Andy R. writes, My mother told me I couldn’t stay in her basement any longer.  I got a job at Denny’s but they fired me after I kept placing my junk in their Spicy Buffalo Chicken Melt sandwich.  But the TSA came to my rescue.   I have found my vocation.  I was born to be a junk toucher.  And their generous salary helps me buy more Sheena Queen of the Jungle comic books!

Some may be concerned that our new program is unconstitutional.  Are you serious?  We’re the Feds.  We can do whatever we want.  So come join the TSA.  A magnificent and glamorous career awaits!

Junk Toucher program not offered in Puerto Rico or the Samoan Islands.

Thank god for the TSA!   If anyone can help our economy get out of this recession they can!

(323)

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22 Nov 10

Feds to Introduce New Warning Labels for Cigarettes and Other Products

We’re the Federal Government dammit! The Constitution gives us the right to do anything we want!Holding a press conference, Health and Human Services Director Kathleen Sebelius announced that the Federal Government plans to introduce new, graphic warning labels on cigarette packages.  Said Sebelius:

Cigarettes are death. Cigarettes are immoral.  Morality is what the Feds say it is.  Freedom is the ability to say 2+2=4.  When that is granted all else follows. You must love the Federal Government.  It is not enough to obey him.  You must love him.  Those who insist on smoking are thought criminals.  The war against Eurasia continues successfully. Under the spreading chestnut tree I sold you and you sold me.

After the press conference ended, members of the independent press were handed a list of activities that the Government has branded “unmutual.”  These unmutual activities will be subject to warning labels, fines and “social opprobrium.”

“We depend on you in the independent press to help the Government” said Sebelius.  “A beautiful thing the destruction of words.”

The list of unmutual activities and warning labels is as follows:

  • New York Met tickets will come with a label that says, “Warning:  This Team Sucks.  You shouldn’t root for them.” Those who insist on rooting for the Mets will be sent to camp for reindoctrination.
  • Those who place American flags on their lawn will be sent to camp for reindoctrination.  “Freedom is the ability to adjust your behavior to what the Government wants.” Those who insists on flying the American flag of oppression and racism even after reindoctrination will be given New York Mets tickets.  “Hopeless cases, really” said Sebelius.
  • Those who insist on eating meat will be fined for first offenses.  A second incident of meat eating will be considered a hate crime against the animal community.  After a third incident of meat eating, the meat eaters will be rounded up and placed in ghettos where they can be laughed at by the Vegan Elite.  A fourth offense will be considered “unrepentant antisocial unmutualism.”  Fourth offenders will be sent Met tickets. “They’ve lost the ability to reason.  Let them grovel in their depravity.”
  • Those who have their male children circumsized will be sent to sensitivity training classes.  According to Sibelius.  “Let us be clear.  Male genital mutilation is something the Government takes very seriously.”  However, female circumcision will be allowed as it “is a beautiful expression of Grandmatriarchialism of the peace loving peoples of color.”  Those who insist on having their male children circumsized will have Mets tickets glued to their penis.  “Let’s see them try and get that through the scanner!”

The new labeling system will take effect after Christmas.

“In our new world there will only be triumph or self-abasement. All else we will destroy.”

(423)

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19 Nov 10

Easter Bunny Feels the Pressure

The Easter Bunny struggles to modernize his business structureIt is only the middle of November, yet the Easter Bunny is already feeling the pressure.  For the past couple of years he has watched his market share in the Easter Holiday decline.  Faced with rising costs and declining profit, this year the Bunny has taken the drastic step of hiring nonunion workers to paint his Easter eggs, drawing widespread protests in the process.

Look, do you think I wanted to hire nonunion workers?  I had no choice.  With this new health care overhaul I have to pay more to provide health benefits.  I had to make it up somewhere.  And don’t get me started on the paperwork.  Do you think I like paperwork?  I don’t even have opposable thumbs.

Struggling to modernize his business model and make it more relevant, the Bunny has opened discussions with Santa about a possible merger.

There is overlap and redundancy.  We both provide gifts to children during a holiday season.  It seems silly in this depressed economic climate to be in competition.  So a merger between me and the fat man makes sense.

The new holiday that will replace Christmas and Easter is scheduled for sometime in the middle of February.  So far the only sticking point is in finding a new face for the holiday.

We are trying to find someone who has the chubbiness of Santa combined with my furriness.  We’ve talked to many people about the job.  So far the favorite is Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie O’Donnell, the face of the new combined Easter/Christmas holiday

Once the face of the proposed new holiday is hired, finding a corporate sponsor will be a priority.  Nike, Snapple and Geico have all shown interest.

I don’t have to tell you that today getting corporate sponsorship is essential if you want to stay in business.

If a sponsor is not found or if talks with Santa break down, the Easter Bunny plans to close up shop and call it a day.

My health has suffered.  All the paint fumes from the eggs you know.  I have my eye on property in Florida.  The kids can go to Hell.

Santa could not be reached for comment regarding the state of the negotiations.

(293)

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18 Nov 10

Original Draft of Lou Gehrig's Farewell Speech Discovered

Holy crap I’m dyingLong thought to be spontaneous, recent evidence that has come to light has shown that New York Yankee great Lou Gehrig’s famous farewell speech was in fact carefully written out beforehand and reworked many times.

On July 4th, 1939 the Yankees held Lou Gehrig day and between games of a double header the dying Yankee captain (played by Gary Cooper in the iconic movie) addressed the crowd.

The manuscript of Gehrig’s speech, often called the “Gettysburg Address” of baseball, written in Gehrig’s own hand contains much that was penciled out, with notations in another hand, presumably Gehrig’s wife Eleanor.

The speech started with the famous sentence, “Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break I got.  Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.”

Yet the manuscript’s original beginning was different:

Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break I got.  I don’t know who gave me this Asian clap but God it burns when I pee.  Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth – my doctor found a cream I apply to my genitals that helps soothe the burning sensations.

This sentence was crossed out by Gehrig’s wife who wrote, “probably not a good idea to say this, Lou.”

The speech continued with Gehrig extolling the virtues of his current manager, Joe McCarthy, “that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today.”

In the manuscript that sentence continued with:

I mean, I know he’s Irish and all.  But as long as we don’t use the same bathroom I’m fine.  Could be worse – at least he’s not Greek.

This part was also crossed out by Eleanor, who wrote in the margin, “I can live with pissing off the Irish but the Greek scare me.”

And of course there is the justifiably famous ending sentence of “So I close in saying that I may have had a bad break but I have an awful lot to live for.”

This sentence was written by his wife, replacing Gehrig’s original summation:

So I close in saying that I might have had a bad break.  No shit people I’m dying here.  Well, if I’m going down you all are.  I bought some explosives from Dimaggio’s Mafia friends and placed them around the stadium.  Say goodbye to your asses people.

Eleanor crossed out the sentence and in the margins she wrote, “Dimaggio is a punk. The explosives he sold us were fake.  Remember to rip him a new one!”

Historians of baseball are very enthusiastic about the manuscript find and say that it really helps humanize Gehrig.  Said one:

He used to be my hero.  But now when I think of him I want to take a cold shower and curl up in the fetal position.

The manuscript will be on display through April at the New York Public Library.

(685)

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17 Nov 10

Anarchists Organize

Anarchy can conflict with midtermsWearing the mandatory balaclavas and carrying signs that said “Death to Capitalists“, “No Banks!“, “Overthrow the Government” and “We Love Tim Lincecum” anarchists prepared for their annual round of rioting at the G20 Summit.

This year however many of the anarchists still remembered the previous year’s unsuccessful riots.  Said one:

I was so looking forward to last year’s anarchist riots.  The looting and burning was going to be so much fun.  It would send a message to the capitalist pigs.  But unfortunately the G20 summit coincided with my midterms.  I had stay home and study instead because if I don’t get good grades I won’t get that internship at PriceWaterhouseCoopers.

Several other rioters spoke of the chaos surrounding the G20 Summit.

Our message was spot on:  Death to the capitalist pigs!  Overthrow the social order!  And of course the rioting, burning and looting were fun but it didn’t really accomplish much.  If we are going to overthrow the social order and create anarchy, a world without any rules, we’re going to have to create some sort of top-down anarchy organization.  We need to coordinate.  Centralize.  Plan ahead and create an anarchy structure.

Because of their experience at previous summits, several anarchists have banded together to create the Official Anarchists Organization.  Those wishing to join go to the website http://www.overthrowthesocialorderandwelovetimlincecum.com and create a user name.   Once they are registered they will be asked a series of questions such as “Do you prefer looting smashing or burning?”, “Would you like to kill a cop“, “How to spot a banker pig” and “Do you have any midterms scheduled?”

Based on the answers provided the anarchist will be assigned a role at future riots such as burning, sign holding, creating seven-foot tall paper mache puppets (for the artistically-inclined anarchist) or reserve anarchists (for those who have midterms.)

Many would-be anarchists said they would join and riot but were concerned that there were no health benefits. Accordingly the Official Anarchists Organization now has an HMO with a full dental and vision package.

“This will help tremendously” said one anarchist.  “What if I injure myself overthrowing the government?  I’m not covered by my parents’ insurance anymore.”

Registered anarchists will also be eligible for 10% off purchases at participating anarchy-friendly Starbucks locations.

“Come in for the mocha latte.  Stay for the Revolution” will be Starbucks’ new slogan.

“Total anarchy will happen” said one rioter.  “I’m going to put this on my resume.  It shows potential employers that I have a can do attitude.”

(465)

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16 Nov 10

Mayor Bloomberg to Star in TV Series

Bloomie knows best you unwashed scum!The CW Network has announced that it has inked a deal with New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg to star in a new TV show called “Bloomie Knows Best.”

In a statement released today, Dawn Ostroff, President of Entertainment at the CW network said:

We were looking for someone who could be the face of the CW network.  Someone who appeals to young kids in the 18-34 year old demographic.  Surprisingly our research pointed to Mike Bloomberg. He came in second behind that guy in Connecticut who was just sentenced to death for murdering a mother and her two daughters during a home invasion.  It would have cost too much to film in Connecticut so we hired Mayor Bloomberg instead.

In the sitcom, Bloomberg will play a struggling billionaire executive man-of-the-people trying to raise three teenage girls while struggling to balance his finances on his $3,000,000 per year salary (including stock options) while his alter ego roams the streets at night as The Green Gastropod Mollusk, fighting excess sodium usage, public smoking and intolerance directed towards Muslims.

Here at the world wide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we were privileged to get a sneak preview of the pilot episode of the compelling new series.  The episode revolves around the unexpected pregnancy of Bloomberg’s eldest daughter:

Daughter:  Dad, I’ve been raped and now I’m pregnant.

Bloomberg:  Who did this to you?

Daughter:  Jimmy.

Bloomberg:  I know Jimmy.  He doesn’t smoke.  So what’s the problem?

In the same episode the Green Gastropod Mollusk confronts an angry mob bent on revenge:

Bloomberg:  What goes on here?  Stop in the name of the Green Gastropod Mollusk or I’ll use my tentacles to slap you!

Mob Leader:  These Muslims want to build a mosque here.  Right next door to where a suicide bomber killed 20 people.  We will not sit by idly while they build a victory mosque!

Bloomberg:  You  people disgust me.  You are stupid.  Stupid and intolerant. Don’t you know the Muslim diet is low in sodium?  Stay right there.  Don’t move.  Stay in that position for a couple hours because that’s how long it’ll take me as the Green Gastropod Mollusk to slink over to you and slap you.  Do you know Mollusks are vegetarian?

The CW network is coy about what will happen in future episodes but we can confidently predict one thing:  Vampires!

The show will air at 9:00 on Wednesday night.

(421)

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15 Nov 10

Makers of BootyPop Introduce BootyPop for Men

Booty Pop sexes up curves. Now available for men!The makers of BootyPop underwear, the miracle underwear that sexes up curves, as seen on TV,  has introduced BootyPop for Men.

“It’s an important market” said a BootyPop executive.  “We didn’t want to neglect it.  I’m wearing BootyPop now and my ass has never looked better.”

After extensive test marketing, the BootyPop for men, known as “Hey, My Ass Looks Great”,  will be available to the general public starting next week.

The test marketing has been extremely successful.  Some of the comments include:

George D. a 38 year-old business executive, “I put on the BootyPop for men and walked past a construction site.  The workers started whistling and saying, ‘Hey, that business executive has a great ass.  Look how far it’s riding up!’ ”

David H. an unemployed 22 year-old full time student said, “My girlfriend isn’t speaking to me because my ass now looks so much better than hers.  That and I’m sleeping with her sister.”

Barack O. a 50 year-old politician says, “Look at my ass.  I’m redistributing the curves!”

Buoyed by their success, BootyPop is now marketing BootyPop Maximus for men.  According to BootyPop’s official statement:

The BootyPop Maximus is for those who want to take their curves to the extreme.  With BootyPop Maximus your ass will ride up to your elbows.  Europe is already doing it!

According to reports, the only thing preventing BootyPop Maximus from being released to the general public are concerns over possible medical complications.

Those using the BootyPop Maximus have reported a few side effects, including the inability to sit down and a tendency for their ass to become permanently distended. If your ass becomes permanently distended we urge you to seek immediate medical assistance or vote Democrat.

BootyPop for Men and BootyPop Maximus for men retail starting at $39.95, shipping and handling fees extra.  All major credit cards are accepted.

BootyPop it!

(474)

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12 Nov 10

Spock Quits Star Fleet Amid Scandal

It’s the Pon Farr baby. Let me touch you.Lieutenant Commander Spock has resigned from Star Fleet in wake of a looming sexual harassment scandal.

The trouble for Spock, a respected  and decorated officer with no previous hint of scandal, began a few weeks ago.  Eyewitnesses report that the normally staid, logical and unemotional first officer began to experience violent mood swings.  Said Yeoman Janice Rand:

He kept looking at me.  When I asked him what the problem was he said, “My blood boils.”  Then he said that it had been seven years and it was time for him to mate.  Then without my permission he touched me.  He called it a “Vulcan Mind Meld.”  Some mind meld. He had his hands on my breasts.  He kept saying “My thoughts are your thoughts.”  I saw what was he was thinking.  Jesus.  Whoever thought Vulcans were so into leather?  I kicked him in the groin and told him to take a cold shower.  Then I reported his behavior up the chain of command.

In another shocking incident, Spock nearly decapitated Enterprise Head Nurse Christine Chapel.   States Chapel:

I noticed that he wasn’t eating so I brought him some Vulcan soup.  I just wanted to cheer him up.  Instead he threw the tray at me.  I had to duck to avoid serious injury.  Then he started crying.  He asked me to forgive him.   He kept saying “Come on baby.  It’s the Pon Farr.  You know I love you.”  Whatever.  The jerk.  I can’t believe I used to like him.

A hearing was held at Star Fleet headquarters to determine if there was enough evidence to bring Spock up on charges.  Spock’s  captain, James T. Kirk testified that Spock should be granted leave to go to Vulcan to mate.

I owe him (Spock) my life a dozen times over.  Isn’t that worth a career?  Let me take him to Vulcan.  I’ll have the Enterprise back within a week.  Promise.

Star Fleet was unmoved by Kirk’s testimony, in part because many doubted Kirk’s motives as he was overheard saying that the real reason he wanted to go to Vulcan was to “get me some green-blooded honeys.”

A compromise was reached whereby Spock would resign his commission in return for the dropping of all charges.

A Star Fleet spokesman who asked to remain anonymous said:

The whole thing is a tragedy that no one gains by.  Spock was a great officer.  This Pon Farr thing strips Vulcans of their logic.  It must be quite painful for a species as coldly, unemotionally logical like Vulcans, the Irish and mid-level managers to have this happen to them.

As for Spock he plans to move to Greenwich Village and become a folk singer, following in the footsteps of his hero Bob Dylan.

“It is the logical thing to do” said Spock.

(550)

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11 Nov 10

New York City to Ban Outdoor Smoking

New York City’s new Smoking Police in uniformAs part of his campaign to expand New York City’s ban on indoor smoking, Mayor Bloomberg announced that the smoking ban  will be extended to all outdoor places, including streets, parks, beaches, marinas and pedestrian plazas.

“This new bill has the overwhelming support of the people” said Bloomberg.  “I’m a businessman and a politician not a mathematician but I’m pretty sure 20% approval constitutes an overwhelming majority.”

Under the terms of the bill, a new force called  the Smoking Sighters, “S.S.” for short, will be fanning out across New York looking for citizens stupid enough to light up cigarettes in open, public spaces.  To ensure that the S.S. will not be confused with NYPD they will be issued special brown shirts to wear.  Said the Mayor:

I hope when our citizens see the S.S. with their brown shirts and arm bands they will know that I, your Mayor, am serious about enforcing order.  People of New York City I, your Mayor, have spoken.  Today is the start of a new order.  In return for your obedience to my will, you will enjoy longer, healthier lives.

Citizens caught smoking by the S.S. will be fined 50 dollars for a first offense.  A second offense will lead to loss of a limb and a third offense will mean removal of reproductive organs.

“I know removing reproductive organs seems extreme but it is necessary to ensure that smokers do not bear children who might continue the cruel downward spiral of smoking” said Bloomberg.  “I’m a politician not a lawyer but I’m pretty sure that this is legal under the Constitution.”

Also to be revised will be the city charter.  Smoking in public will be upgraded to the most serious criminal offense in the city’s statutes.  The S.S. will have sole responsibility for enforcing the new smoking ban.

“This will free up the NYPD to combat lesser crimes that do not effect the quality of life such as rape and murder” said the Mayor.

There will be one place that will be exempt from the new provision.  The proposed mosque at Ground Zero will be allowed to have smoking.

“It’s okay” said Bloomberg.  “Islam is a religion of peace.“

(305)

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