Mayor Bloomberg to Star in TV Series

Bloomie knows best you unwashed scum!The CW Network has announced that it has inked a deal with New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg to star in a new TV show called “Bloomie Knows Best.”

In a statement released today, Dawn Ostroff, President of Entertainment at the CW network said:

We were looking for someone who could be the face of the CW network.  Someone who appeals to young kids in the 18-34 year old demographic.  Surprisingly our research pointed to Mike Bloomberg. He came in second behind that guy in Connecticut who was just sentenced to death for murdering a mother and her two daughters during a home invasion.  It would have cost too much to film in Connecticut so we hired Mayor Bloomberg instead.

In the sitcom, Bloomberg will play a struggling billionaire executive man-of-the-people trying to raise three teenage girls while struggling to balance his finances on his $3,000,000 per year salary (including stock options) while his alter ego roams the streets at night as The Green Gastropod Mollusk, fighting excess sodium usage, public smoking and intolerance directed towards Muslims.

Here at the world wide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we were privileged to get a sneak preview of the pilot episode of the compelling new series.  The episode revolves around the unexpected pregnancy of Bloomberg’s eldest daughter:

Daughter:  Dad, I’ve been raped and now I’m pregnant.

Bloomberg:  Who did this to you?

Daughter:  Jimmy.

Bloomberg:  I know Jimmy.  He doesn’t smoke.  So what’s the problem?

In the same episode the Green Gastropod Mollusk confronts an angry mob bent on revenge:

Bloomberg:  What goes on here?  Stop in the name of the Green Gastropod Mollusk or I’ll use my tentacles to slap you!

Mob Leader:  These Muslims want to build a mosque here.  Right next door to where a suicide bomber killed 20 people.  We will not sit by idly while they build a victory mosque!

Bloomberg:  You  people disgust me.  You are stupid.  Stupid and intolerant. Don’t you know the Muslim diet is low in sodium?  Stay right there.  Don’t move.  Stay in that position for a couple hours because that’s how long it’ll take me as the Green Gastropod Mollusk to slink over to you and slap you.  Do you know Mollusks are vegetarian?

The CW network is coy about what will happen in future episodes but we can confidently predict one thing:  Vampires!

The show will air at 9:00 on Wednesday night.



4 Responses

  1. Karen Howes says:

    If vampires don’t smoke, what’s the problem?

  2. Fun Fact: Adolph Hitler was a vegetarian non-smoker.

    He should be the Messiah of Nurse Mike’s BuzzKill Kult.

    Just saying.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: It is true that vampires don’t smoke, but I am worried about their sodium intake.

    CRS: The difference between Hitler and our Beloved Mayor is that Hitler had no problem killing Muslims.

  4. Matt says:

    I think he’s the alien from Star Trek that sucks all the salt out of red-shirts.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>