Holding a press conference, Health and Human Services Director Kathleen Sebelius announced that the Federal Government plans to introduce new, graphic warning labels on cigarette packages.  Said Sebelius:

Cigarettes are death. Cigarettes are immoral.  Morality is what the Feds say it is.  Freedom is the ability to say 2+2=4.  When that is granted all else follows. You must love the Federal Government.  It is not enough to obey him.  You must love him.  Those who insist on smoking are thought criminals.  The war against Eurasia continues successfully. Under the spreading chestnut tree I sold you and you sold me.

After the press conference ended, members of the independent press were handed a list of activities that the Government has branded “unmutual.”  These unmutual activities will be subject to warning labels, fines and “social opprobrium.”

“We depend on you in the independent press to help the Government” said Sebelius.  “A beautiful thing the destruction of words.”

The list of unmutual activities and warning labels is as follows:

• New York Met tickets will come with a label that says, “Warning:  This Team Sucks.  You shouldn’t root for them.” Those who insist on rooting for the Mets will be sent to camp for reindoctrination.
• Those who place American flags on their lawn will be sent to camp for reindoctrination.  “Freedom is the ability to adjust your behavior to what the Government wants.” Those who insists on flying the American flag of oppression and racism even after reindoctrination will be given New York Mets tickets.  “Hopeless cases, really” said Sebelius.
• Those who insist on eating meat will be fined for first offenses.  A second incident of meat eating will be considered a hate crime against the animal community.  After a third incident of meat eating, the meat eaters will be rounded up and placed in ghettos where they can be laughed at by the Vegan Elite.  A fourth offense will be considered “unrepentant antisocial unmutualism.”  Fourth offenders will be sent Met tickets. “They’ve lost the ability to reason.  Let them grovel in their depravity.”
• Those who have their male children circumsized will be sent to sensitivity training classes.  According to Sibelius.  “Let us be clear.  Male genital mutilation is something the Government takes very seriously.”  However, female circumcision will be allowed as it “is a beautiful expression of Grandmatriarchialism of the peace loving peoples of color.”  Those who insist on having their male children circumsized will have Mets tickets glued to their penis.  “Let’s see them try and get that through the scanner!”

The new labeling system will take effect after Christmas.

“In our new world there will only be triumph or self-abasement. All else we will destroy.”

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