As part of his campaign to expand New York City’s ban on indoor smoking, Mayor Bloomberg announced that the smoking ban will be extended to all outdoor places, including streets, parks, beaches, marinas and pedestrian plazas.
“This new bill has the overwhelming support of the people” said Bloomberg. “I’m a businessman and a politician not a mathematician but I’m pretty sure 20% approval constitutes an overwhelming majority.”
Under the terms of the bill, a new force called the Smoking Sighters, “S.S.” for short, will be fanning out across New York looking for citizens stupid enough to light up cigarettes in open, public spaces. To ensure that the S.S. will not be confused with NYPD they will be issued special brown shirts to wear. Said the Mayor:
I hope when our citizens see the S.S. with their brown shirts and arm bands they will know that I, your Mayor, am serious about enforcing order. People of New York City I, your Mayor, have spoken. Today is the start of a new order. In return for your obedience to my will, you will enjoy longer, healthier lives.
Citizens caught smoking by the S.S. will be fined 50 dollars for a first offense. A second offense will lead to loss of a limb and a third offense will mean removal of reproductive organs.
“I know removing reproductive organs seems extreme but it is necessary to ensure that smokers do not bear children who might continue the cruel downward spiral of smoking” said Bloomberg. “I’m a politician not a lawyer but I’m pretty sure that this is legal under the Constitution.”
Also to be revised will be the city charter. Smoking in public will be upgraded to the most serious criminal offense in the city’s statutes. The S.S. will have sole responsibility for enforcing the new smoking ban.
“This will free up the NYPD to combat lesser crimes that do not effect the quality of life such as rape and murder” said the Mayor.
There will be one place that will be exempt from the new provision. The proposed mosque at Ground Zero will be allowed to have smoking.
“It’s okay” said Bloomberg. “Islam is a religion of peace.“
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But of course, marijuana should be legal.
Back in the ’90s I had “Crazy Saudi College Student” for a downstairs neighbor. Everything I suggested we do for fun, he’d reply “No! That is haraam!” Then he’d light up a smoke and I’d say “Isn’t smoking haraam?” And he’d always get all flustered and say “Yes, but, but…”
Tell Bloomy that making the muzzies give up their unfiltered Camels will lead to major unrest and possibly even violence.
CRS: An excellent suggestion dude.
Inn: But Islam is a religion of peace! And if you disagree with me I’ll saw your head off.