TSA Announces New Job Opportunities

We at the TSA touch your junk for safety’s sakeWith unemployment in the U.S. still hovering around 10%, relief may be in sight.  The TSA has announced a new “Junk Toucher” job program.

The TSA’ s website, under the “Join us” section  has further details on their new job program:

Are you surly, overweight?  Do you live in your parent’s basement? Have you never known the touch of a woman (or a man?).  If so, a career at the TSA awaits.  Our new Junk Toucher program is right for you.

  1. Apprentice Junk Toucher.   The Apprentice Junk Toucher is our entry level position.  With a starting salary of $45,000 start your career with the Government!  As an Apprentice Junk Toucher you will learn to be menacing.  You will also learn basic skills such as cupping your hands around a man’s testicles, two-handed breast fondling and of course, which finger is best for insertion?  The obvious answer:  That depends on what the touchee had for lunch.
  2. After three years Apprentice Junk Touchers have the opportunity to move up to Master Junk Toucher.  As a Master Junk Toucher you now have the skills that will make you the envy of non-federal employees. A Master Junk Toucher, with stating salaries of $85,000, gets to choose which junk he or she will touch.  A Master Junk Toucher has the right to touch anyone’s junk, anytime, anywhere.  The beach?  Go ahead and touch their junk. Dark movie theaters?  Touch it and show them your skills.  Parent/teacher conferences?  Little Billy may have gotten a “B” but after you are finished touching his teacher’s junk he’ll get an A.  And as a Master Junk Toucher you have the right to use TSA-approved sayings such as “You got a purdy mouth” and “I’m gonna make you squeal like a pig, boy.

But don’t just take our word for it.  Here are testimonials from happy junk touchers:

David B. writes, I was 40 years old and my porn career was winding down.  What was I do to? I have no marketable skills and I’m too good-looking to work for Amway.  But thanks to the TSA I can use my junk touching skills for the good of society.   Thank you TSA!

Juan D. writes, After I got my parole I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t really want to go back to a life of crime.  But then my parole officer told me about Junk Touching.  I touched a lot of junk in prison and this was perfect.  Thanks again TSA!

Andy R. writes, My mother told me I couldn’t stay in her basement any longer.  I got a job at Denny’s but they fired me after I kept placing my junk in their Spicy Buffalo Chicken Melt sandwich.  But the TSA came to my rescue.   I have found my vocation.  I was born to be a junk toucher.  And their generous salary helps me buy more Sheena Queen of the Jungle comic books!

Some may be concerned that our new program is unconstitutional.  Are you serious?  We’re the Feds.  We can do whatever we want.  So come join the TSA.  A magnificent and glamorous career awaits!

Junk Toucher program not offered in Puerto Rico or the Samoan Islands.

Thank god for the TSA!   If anyone can help our economy get out of this recession they can!



4 Responses

  1. The TSA: We’ll unconstitutionally violate the 4th amendment and the leather cheerio of America in order to help our struggling economy.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    ….and we’ll violate the 4th amendment because we are right! And the constitution and President Obama gives us the right!

  3. Matt says:

    Now that ACORN has gone bankrupt, there is a ton of unemployed thugs and frauds.

    It’s the secret ACORN bailout!!!

  4. MK says:


    Good one.

    “Junk Toucher program not offered in Puerto Rico or the Samoan Islands.”

    Now you know that sort of racism won’t be tolerated in a federal organization, perhaps profiling white Christians and Non-liberal Jews and mandatory cavity searches for those sporting Rush Limbaugh stickers, but never anyone with slightly dark skin.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>