Happy Thanksgiving From Your Friends at the Federal Government

These beautiful and peace-loving creatures will not be eaten!Hello fellow residents inside the borders of these United States.  Once again Thanksgiving has come around.  As some of you may be aware, the Federal Government, using the powers vested in it by the Constitution, have made changes to the way Americans celebrate this Eurocentric holiday.

It would have been our preference to ban this holiday outright but many Americans are fearful of change and cling to old established ways. Hence, we have decided to implement incremental changes to this racist and genocidal holiday.

Starting this year, turkey will be banned.  The turkey is a gentle, peace-loving creature and does not deserve to have genocide committed against it every year to satisfy the blood lust of meat-eating America.  To replace turkey, the Government suggests sushi or perhaps Belgian Endive.

Many of you have traveled to arrive at your holiday destination and no doubt are still sore from your intrusive TSA-mandated physical pat down search at the airport.  This is good.  Consider your pain as penance for the destruction of the native American way of life.

Beginning next year we have mandated that a representative of a native American tribe must attend your “Thanksgiving” dinner.  It will be his/her job to remind you of how the European drove him from his lands and reduced him to poverty.  He/she will also be handing out coupons for free parking at their tribal casino.  If we run of out native Americans we will send Shania Twain instead.

Following the brave lead of the city of San Francisco,  by Thanksgiving 2012 the Federal Government will ban male genital mutilation, commonly known as circumcision.  A “Junk Verifier” from the Government will attend your meal to see if any of the male attendees have been genitally mutilated.  Those found to be mutilated will have their coupons for free parking at tribal casinos confiscated.

By Thanksgiving 2013 the violent, testosterone-filled sport of Football will have been banned.  Instead of watching football Americans will have the choice of The View or Sex in the City marathons.  While we appreciate that this may be painful for some the Federal Government does not make this change lightly.  We do this to advance world peace.  We are tired of men using their testosterone to start violence and war.

And finally, by November 2014 Thanksgiving itself will be abolished and replaced by a more suitable holiday.  This new holiday will be a meat-free, circumcision-free, football-free day of peace and reconciliation. At precisely noon on this day all Americans will join hands and sing Kum-Ba-Ya. Americans will have four years to learn the lyrics.  Those who on that date do not know the lyrics will have their coupons for free parking at tribal casinos confiscated.

We at the Federal Government thank you for your cooperation.

Have a nice day.


17 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    I need to go find me an Indian, ‘cuz every time Shania comes over she gets drunk and spills red wine on the carpet. Really pisses me off.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: I can forgive Shania many things, including a red wine stain. And if she brings over Faith Hill I can forgive her anything.

  3. Hahahaa.

    I have no snark to add.

    Funny stuff in there, homie.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    CRS: To the feds I say “You shall not pass…..touch or anyway fondle my junk.”

  5. Karen Howes says:

    Speaking only for myself, I wish the f*** that so-called football (real football is called “soccer” in America) WOULD be banned.

    Re the sushi: could we have turkey in it?

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: Ban Football? Sacrilege! May the TSA show up at your place and demand a pat down.

    The sushi will not have turkey. But it will have tofu.

  7. Karen Howes says:

    At least the grope would be FREE, heh heh.

    Happy Thanksgiving, Infidel!

  8. MK says:

    If only they’d try that, i really think Americans would storm the federal buildings and toss them out the windows.

    Happy thanksgiving by the way.

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK: storming Federal building sounds like a good idea.

  10. Karen? Real football is SOCCER? Are you feeling well? Did you accidentally consume the Kool-Aid?

    When I see a soccer player that can take a hit from a 300 lb lineman, I’ll watch it.

  11. Manhattan Infidel says:

    You tell her Matt (not Dan). I believe this said it best:


  12. The Jungers says:

    BAN FOOTBALL? May God smite thee Karen the pagan

  13. The Jungers says:

    PS. Go Cowboys!

  14. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jungers: Welcome to my site. And yes, ban football? That’s just unamerican.

    Go cowboys? That’s just wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!!!!!! Go Giants.

  15. The Jungers says:

    No Cowboys are Americas team!

  16. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Now now. Everyone knows the Houston Texans are America’s team.

  17. The Jungers says:

    You mean that team that has never played on a Super Bowl?

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