Touting it as an example of the Obama administration’s “compassionate liberalism” in the face of a Republican congress that continues to deny the science of global warming the Department of the Interior announced today an ambitious three billion dollar program to give all polar bears basic and advanced swimming lessons.
“Never again will a polar bear have to drown from ignorance of the breaststroke” said Interior Secretary Ken Salazar. “Under this exciting and compassionate plan we will send swimming instructors to polar bears who will teach the bears many swim strokes including but not limited to the breaststroke, the butterfly stroke, the dog paddle and the backstroke.”
When told that most polar bears in fact reside in Canadian territory and that this might cause problems with our neighbors to the north Salazar responded, “Canada. Right. Like that’s a real country.”
The new program will be modeled after a pilot program that was tested on polar bears in zoos across the United States, even though the pilot program produced disappointing results.
- 65% of the polar bears in the pilot program proved unresponsive to the instructors and yawed or licked themselves.
- 30% of the polar bears ate the swimming instructors.
- 4% of the bears in the program unzipped their polar bear costumes and revealed that they were actually humans with a common animal sexual fetish. (They later attached themselves to a Guns and Roses reunion tour.)
- 1% of the bears actually showed any interest in learning how to swim. (However, they also ate the instructors after the lessons were finished.)
When asked by a reporter why the feds were instituting this program when the pilot was such a failure Salazar said:
We are the Federal Government. Just because something failed in the past doesn’t mean it won’t fail even more spectacularly in the future if we throw more money at it and raise your taxes. Trust me. It makes perfect sense.
Responding to the threat to their national sovereignty the Canadian Parliament passed a resolution stating that
Any American who crosses into Canada with the intent to teach polar bears the breaststroke will be immediately arrested and deported. This makes us angry. Very angry. Oh who are we kidding. We’ll probably just register a mild protest. We Canadians are a peace loving and mild mannered race. Just don’t say anything bad about Celine Dion, eh!
The new program will be financed by 45% tax on people named Virgil.
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