Congress Conducts Hearing Seeking to Limit EPA's Powers

The science is settled!The House of Representatives today held a contentious hearing aimed at stripping the EPA of its powers to regulate greenhouse gas emissions.

The main opponent of the bill, the Energy Tax Prevention Act of 2011 was Representative Jay Inslee (D-WA) who brought a stack of books to the hearing  and placed them next to him.  Said Inslee:

Look at these books.  I have lots of books here.  Books by scientists.  Books by Al Gore.  Books about vampires.  The Twilight series.  Why do vampires sparkle?  Global warming!  The science is settled.  Those who would debate me on this are stupid.  Is it me or is it warm in here?

Representative Inslee, to prove that the world’s core temperature was approaching dangerously warm levels then removed all his clothing and invited others to do the same.

Let us all get naked.  I invite everyone here to take off their clothes.  Especially if they are attractive and in their early 20s.  I often go naked.  Not because I enjoy showing off my body but because of global warming. Everyone in my house goes naked because of global warming.  My wife, my kids, the dog.  Even the Verizon Fios guy was naked at my house.  He seemed uncomfortable at first but when I told him it was for the planet he felt better though he did refuse to naked mud wrestle with me, or do naked calisthenics or naked pin the tail on the naughty congressman.  As a matter of fact he screamed and ran out of the house.  Obviously he was concerned about climate change.

Inslee then invited the administrator of the EPA, Linda Jackson to take off her clothes and testify.  Bravely ignoring the taunts of skeptical Republicans, many whom have never read any of Al Gore’s works and continue to deny the science of man-made global warming, Jackson testified that the science is incontrovertible and that anyone who disagreed with her was stupid.  She also testified that the Constitution gives the EPA unlimited power to do what they want, including entering homes of those whose thermostats are too high, beating the occupants unconscious and using their bathroom (but not flushing).

“Flushing lead to global warming.  Use the waste to fertilize your fields.  It’s in the Constitution stupid!”

Inslee then invited everyone back to his place for a game of “naked rectal examination.”

“It’ll be fun.  After the exams we’ll eat pizza.  Real vampires will be there to sparkle for us.  No I’m not insane.  I’m just a Democrat.”

When the hearing ended Representative Inslee was taken to a local psychiatric hospital for evaluation.  His office issued a statement that said, “Global warming has messed with Congressman Inslee’s brain.  Who wants to get naked?  It’ll be fun.  We have vampires.”



7 Responses

  1. The Jungers says:

    EPA tried breaking into my house last week. Lets just say I no longer have room in my crawl space for hookers. Anybody have crawl space I can borrow for a while?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    TJ: I know for a fact that Innominatus has a crawl space but I believe he promised first use of it to King Shamus.

  3. Well maybe a few vampires even if they didn’t sparkle is just whar the EPA needs. A few less bureaucrats would be nice I think.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: How about no bureaucrats? Now that would be a welcome start 🙂

  5. Greg says:

    Hmmm…Sounds like global warming could be a pretty good thing, depending on who you can convince to get naked.

  6. Matt says:

    Having survived the 80’s, and the spandex therein, I know that everyone getting naked would be a combination of heaven and hell that would snap the minds of most people.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Greg. A valid point.

    Matt: Never use spandex and snap in the same paragraph. The horror. The horror.

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