Dateline 128 A.D.
The Colosseum is in danger of losing its next season as Colosseum owners locked out gladiators, Christians and lions. In return, the Gladiators, Christians and Lions Players Association (GCLPA) voted to de-certify.
At issue: How to divide the millions in Roman coins made by the National Gladiators Christians and Lions League (NGCLL) every year.
The Commissioner of the NGCLL, Rogerius Goodellius released a papyrus document that said, “This is a sad day for all fans of the League. We have negotiated in good faith with the GCLPA. Our offer was fair. The players ask for too much. Would you like to see what’s under my toga?”
A spokesman for the GCLPA, star gladiator Peytonius Manninius said:
This is about much more than money. If that’s what the owners are saying they are wrong. We gladiators on average only have a three-year career before injuries take over and we have to retire. We live the rest of our lives in constant pain. All we are asking for are better health benefits and a pension plan. And maybe a cut of the concessions. Those fat Romans in the stands sure do eat a lot!
But already there are signs of division in union ranks. Said Christian Ochonius Cinconius:
Peytonius is full of it. Health benefits and a pension plan are nice but what good are health benefits after we’re dead. That’s what we really want. Not to be eaten by lions. And maybe a cut of the concessions.
A lion, who goes by the name of Mr. Bigglesworthonius stated that lions have their own concerns which aren’t being properly addressed by the union:
What do I need health benefits and a pension for? I just need to eat more Christians. And maybe a cut of the concessions would be nice. You know what? To hell with the concessions. I just want to eat more Christians. And those fat Romans in the stands look juicy. Let’s eat them too.
Many Christians and lions feel that the gladiators see themselves as the “elite” of the union and do not care about them. They are threatening to break off and begin their own union, the Christians and Lions League with Full Health Benefits, Pension Plan and a Cut of the Concessions (the CLLFHBPPCC).
Meanwhile Rogerius Goodellius has threatened to end all gladiator games permanently and have given the union until the next war with Germany to accept his offer.
There are other sports out there. Gladiator games can be replaced. We have a new sport we might use instead. It involves a ball people kick around and we call it soccerius. Sure, it’s kind of boring at first but it grows on you. Kind of like leprosy.
The real losers in this battle: The ordinary Roman fans.
(754)
Sheesh, even back then…
KH: I don’t know who to root for – the greedy billionaire toga wearing Roman patricians or the Christians about to be fed to the lions.
So sad.
But hey, at least the Yankeenium won their first baseballius contest.
What would Maximus of the Gladiator say about this? Back in his day they didn’t have the unions, it was fight or die, all he wanted was freedom, he never got concessions. Just goes to show the moral fabric of this world decaying more and more.
Send in the purple-toga SEIU crew to beat some sense into these people.
Setting a bad example for the youngsters that idolize them.
Shamus: Speaking of which, my first game to the Yaneeniums is Monday night (which will probably be rained out)
TJ: Maximus would be so ashamed he’d eat his own wound, maggots be damned!
Inn: The toga crew is being imported in from Spain and Armenia to beat the crap out of them.
Jim: I also understand they are all on humunious growthowious hormonions.
I heard half the Roman Senate fled to Persia to avoid any legislation that might result. What will Romans do without bread and circuses?
Don’t worry Matt. Even if they don’t have bread and circuses the Romans still have single-payer socialized medicine.
“…and have given the union until the next war with Germany to accept his offer.”
Shouldn’t that be Germania, keeping with the theme and all. And i agree with the lions, those fat romans are far more juicy.
The Gladiators and NGCLL are both banking on the ordinary Roman fans having nothing better to do for themselves. For this conceit, the Gladiators and NGCLL can both go eff themselves.