FDA Reverses 50 Years of Policy on Cigarettes

A pack of Marlboro cigarettes, I mean a pack of Marlboro Yummy CandyIn a stunning reversal of long-established policy, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) today declared that cigarettes pose no threat, are not linked to cancer and that everyone should smoke, even children as young as three.

In a statement released to the press, FDA Chief Margaret A. Hamburg said:

The FDA does not make this decision lightly.  I know many may be confused by it.  But our latest findings show that cigarettes pose no health hazard and in fact are less dangerous than Tofu.  We at the  FDA regret telling people not to smoke.  All Americans of all ages should consider it their patriotic duty to smoke.  And I’m not just saying this because last night an alien sucked my brain out and replaced it with cabbage.  No.  Seriously.  Are you looking at my cabbage?

All over the United States, smokers came out of hiding. Pale because of years spend indoors surreptitiously smoking, they appeared overjoyed to be outside.  Said one smoker, “God bless Margaret Hamburg and God bless her cabbage.” 

Spontaneous “smoke-ins” were held at sports stadiums across the country as was evidenced by this headline:

Knicks-Celtics game stopped in third quarter when Carmelo Anthony was surrounded by jubilant fans, covered in cigarette wrapping paper and smoked.  Anthony was accessed a technical.  Margaret Hamburg has a great cabbage.

The FDA also announced that much-loved childhood mascot Barney the Dinosaur Light up bitches! will become the official spokesman of their new “get out and smoke” campaign.  At a press conference Barney unveiled the slogan the FDA has chosen:

I love you.  You love me.  Light up bitches. Stop looking at my cabbage.

**** Breaking News ****

Margaret Hamburg has been fired by the FDA.  Principal Deputy Commissioner of the FDA Joshua M. Sharfstein  has told reporters that “Commissioner Hamburg is obviously under a lot of strain and has made some poor decisions as of late.  Why are you looking at my cabbage?”

**** Breaking News ****


9 Responses

  1. I think Carmelo Anthony has been smoked more than a few times.

  2. The Jungers says:

    WWMBD? (What Would Mayor Bloomberg do?) this is so against his supreme law.

  3. Talk about blowing smoke up someone’s skirt!

  4. innominatus says:

    If we all die of cancer that’ll really help us get control of Social Security expenditures.

  5. The Jungers says:

    Innominatus once again I’m forced to say your a freaking genius.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Yes. He’s been smoked for years.

    TJ: Mayor Bloomberg is not doubt outraged at this government interference in people’s livs.

    Jim: ha!

    Inn: Hmm……I didn’t think of that but it’s an excellent idea.

    TJ: Inn is a genius. I’d like to see him safe, legal and rare.

  7. Matt says:

    They just want more money from the cig taxes. And, to make the death panels cheaper.

  8. MK says:

    They’ll never allow smokers to have a break, those poor bastards are the vermin of today’s society, and it’s politically correct to think of them as so. Therefore they’ll continue to be persecuted and hounded for ever.

  9. What’s up, I log on to your blog like every week. Your story-telling style is awesome, keep it up!

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