“What are we at the park for except to win?  I’d trip my mother.  I’d help her up, brush her off.  Tell her I’m sorry.  But mother, don’t make it to third.” ~ Leo Durocher

The above photo is of Mariano Rivera warming up in the Yankee bullpen.  Trust me.  I know you can’t see his face but it is Mariano.  Besides,  I’m the Manhattan Infidel.  I never lie.  Unless I’m explaining to police why there is a body in the trunk of my car.

Today the New York Yankees (the baseball team in New York that didn’t lose everything to Bernie Madoff) opened a four-game series against the Minnesota “We apologize for Al Franken” Twins.

Today all fans received a Yankee cap courtesy of H&R Block.  The Yankee value highly their relationship with H&R Block.  And with tax season upon us this begs the question.  Are anabolic steroids tax deductible?   I hope so because if I’m going to to get back acne, shriveled testicles and the inability to maintain an erection I better have some money coming to me.

Onto the game.

The Yankees started Ivan “I can make it past the fifth inning – please don’t beat me” Nova (1-0 4.50 ERA) while the Twins started Scott “I am not Carl Pavano – why is everyone booing me?” Baker (0-1 6.00 ERA).

Nova continued where he left off last year (great for three innings, sucks after that.)  He didn’t give up a hit until the fourth when the Twins scored two runs when Jim Thome doubled home Justin Morneau and Delmon Young.  The Twins scored another run in the fifth when Tsuyoshi  Nishioka doubled home Alexi Casilla.  Fortunately three runs was all Nova needed as the Yankees scored four runs on a two run home run by Alex “My kingdom for a blond woman to feed me popcorn” Rodriguez in the first and a two run home run by Jorge “Being DH makes me angry.  Very angry” Posada in the second.

Joba Chamberlain came on and pitched a scoreless seventh, Rafael Soriano pitched a scoreless eighth and Mariano Rivera closed it out in the night.

Final score:  Yankees 4 Twins 3.

Notes on the game:

When AROD came up in the bottom of the first I yelled out “Come on AROD.  Hit a  home run and I’ll feed you popcorn!”  He must have heard me because after he hit it out of the park Yankee stadium security ushered me into the locker room and I was forced to feed him popcorn.  It was not a pleasant experience.  His drool was running down his chin and kept licking my fingers while saying “I consume!  I consume!”

Best heckle of the game:

I tried, but my chant of “Hey people, instead of doing the wave let’s practice declension of Latin nouns, pronouns and adjectives” just got the crap kicked out of me.

Celebrity sightings:

SNL producer Lorne Michaels was at the game.  No doubt taking a much needed break from giving America unfunny crap every Saturday night.

Recommended reading material:

The Aeneid of Virgil.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I like donuts.  They make me all happy inside.”

Okay.  Please confine your comments to baseball D.B.

Walt Whitman of Brooklyn writes, “You know what I love most about the American game of baseball?  25 men showering together.  What?  Did I just say that?   Why am I talking to you?  I’m dead.”

How’d you like to open for Charlie Sheen?

M.B. also of Brooklyn writes, “I have a new couch.  It’s new.  I like it.”

Please people I can’t stress this enough:  Confine your comments to  baseball.

So how are the Yankees going to do this year?  They have a lot of issues.  Their bullpen will be a strength but what good will it do if our starters fail?  As for the “Core of three” that just points out how freaking old this team is.   My prediction for the AL East:  Watch out for Baltimore.

But none of this matter yet.  Baseball doesn’t really count until Memorial Day. This is just extended Spring training.

Anyway it was a good start to the year for me.  My record stands at 1-0.  My next game is Tuesday April 12th against the Baltimore Orioles.

Go Yankees!

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