Obama Speaks to Nation; Declares No-Fly Zone Over Detroit

See that building behind me?  We used to own it.President Obama spoke to a war-weary nation today to explain why he has ordered U.S. fighters to enforce a no-fly zone over Detroit Michigan.

Noting that U.S. interests were not directly affected by the violence in Detroit, President Obama gave voice to the so-called Obama Doctrine.

There will be times when our safety is not directly threatened, but our interests and values are.  Whenever people long to be free, they will find a friend in the United States. Unless it’s Iran or Venezuela or Cuba of course.

President Obama also spoke of his humanitarian concerns.

The people of Detroit are being slaughtered. Detroit is a large city.  Well, not nearly as large as it used to be according to the latest census.  But I dare say it’s almost the size of Charlotte, North Carolina.  As President, I refused to stand idly by and watch images of slaughter and mass graves.  Unless it’s Iran or Venezuela or Cuba of course.

The President then stated that regime change is not the goal of his administration.

This is not Iraq.  Regime change there took eight years, thousands of American lives and trillions of dollars. So no, regime change in Detroit is not our goal unless we can put in place a Democratic mayor who hasn’t been convicted of a felony.

He also said that if he had not acted the wholesale slaughter of rebels in Detroit would have crushed the “democratic impulses that are dawning across Michigan and the flood of refugees would have strained the newborn republic of Canada.”

Obama, who has often criticized the “go it alone cowboyism” of his predecessor took evident pride in having brought together an international coalition to enforce the no-fly zone.

I called up King Jong-il in North Korea and told him that this would be a historic opportunity for him to take his country out of isolation and join the community of nations.  I asked him point blank if he would help me bomb Detroit.  And to my delight he accepted my offer. I am proud to announce that North Korean planes will soon fly over Michigan.  I also soon hope to have Iran, Venezuela and Cuba as part of this coalition. 

When informed that Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) and others in congress opposed his no-fly zone over Detroit and were arguing that he had overstepped his constitutional authority, President Obama said,

Really?  I ask you who is the constitutional scholar here? Me or the son of a bar owner? The answer is obvious.

The President plans to hand off control of the no-fly zone to NATO “as soon as the NCAA tournament is over.” 



10 Responses

  1. The Jungers says:

    You know I normally don’t support Obama, but the idea of bombing Detroit is something I can support with pride. Please tell me Chicago is next.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    TJ: Normally I’d agree with you but I have a woman in Chicago I am obsessed with. We can bomb Chicago after I kidnap her and bring her to a lonely desolate abandoned farmhouse where I will keep her chained in the basement until she realizes that no on can love her like I can.

    Um. Did I just say that? I probably shouldn’t think aloud anymore.

  3. innominatus says:

    I say we just wait until Canada is all distracted playing Angry Birds and then just redraw the border so Detroit is Canadian. By the time they figure it out it’ll be way too late to do anything about it. It’ll be a little weird hearing “D’oh Canada” being sung at Red Wings games but I’m sure we’ll get used to it.

  4. have you seen any recent photos of Detroit? Obamas to late. Somebody else has already bombed it to smitherings. sorry, Mr. President.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn. A good idea.

    Jim: the damage was probably done by Bush lied people died/necons/cheney/halliburton.

    At least that’s what I think the liberals will say.

  6. Matt says:

    Jim is right. However, he can pull a Clinton and launch a cruise missile or two whenever he needs a distraction from his fail. There’s nothing like making rubble bounce to create a distraction.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: ah, making rubble bounce to create a distraction. But enough about my last marriage.

  8. Jack Camwell says:

    Nice piece of satire. I wish I could write something that clever without being incendiary. Some people have all the luck 😉

  9. “…a Democratic mayor who hasn’t been convicted of a felony.”

    Ummm, that’s like trying to find a sexxxy picture of Maggie Gyllenlenelenlenhall.

  10. MK says:

    “I ask you who is the constitutional scholar here? Me or the son of a bar owner?”

    When oh when will the anti-war left begin protests over the illegal war and obamas bleeding obvious fascism. Yes i know they never will, and they never will admit that they were never anti-war, just anti Bush for a variety of bigoted, baseless and hate-filled reasons.

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