When the former star of Two and a Half Men, Charlie Sheen announced his Violent Torpedo of Truth tour (not to be confused with the U.S.S. Indianapolis’ Violent Torpedo of Sinking After Delivering Atom Bomb Components to Tinian Island Tour) many were convinced that it would never find sponsors. They need not have worried.
Said one advertising executive:
Charlie Sheen’s Hispanic. He’s Jewish. He’s America!
He’s crazy. He’s deep in the throes of cocaine psychosis. He’s Hollywood! That’s two markets right there!
First up as a sponsor: Super Poligrip.
“We’re excited to be on board” according to a statement released by Poligrip. “Charlie Sheen and those like him represent a new market for us and our advertising department has created a great marketing campaign around him.”
The first commercial released by Poligrip stars actor Dennis Haysbert. 
Looking into the camera, Haysbert intones:
Have you lost all your teeth because you are too busy doing coke to brush? Are your dentures constantly falling out? Then use Super Poligrip. Now zinc free!
The commercial ends with a smiling Charlie Sheen holding up a tube of Super Poligrip.
Do you know what I hate about having no teeth? Food particles trapped between my gum and dentures. Ouch! But thanks to the miracle of zinc-free Super Poligrip I can eat, speak and smile with confidence. Enough of this crap where the hell is my coke?
Also sponsoring the tour is Slomin’s Shield. Their new commercial features the Slomin Shield icon 
as he asks viewers:
Is a coked-up Charlie Sheen waving a machete and threatening to break into your home? The Slomin Shield can prevent that. The Slomin Shield: Guaranteed to stop 99% of coked-up Hollywood superstars or your money back. Offer not valid in Hollywood.
And those are just the two confirmed sponsors. Sheen is also in talks with Cialis, “too much coke left you soft?”, Depends diapers, “A coke addict on the go doesn’t have time to change underwear. Depends reduces the risk of accidents” and Jane Seymour’s Open Hearts collection, “Melt it down and it makes a great coke spoon!”
Sheen’s tour kicks off April 2nd in Detroit.
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Good for Charlie Sheen, it’s about time someone started standing up for him. By the way does anyone else realize the epicness of Dennis Haysbert? Especially in the show The Unit.
Dude, I just saw Machete-Waving Charlie Sheen (with kung fu grip) out in front of my house today. I so need to get me some Slomin Shield.
And some poligrip too. 🙁
To me, Jane Seymour’s Open Heart thingies look less like hearts and more like the snakes in that old Tutankham arcade game.
Yeah, I know: the above comment is stupid, pointless and completely lacking in humor or wit. It’s Monday and that’s all I got.
TJ: For me he’ll always be President Palmer from “24.”
Shamus: I just want to do my part to protect America from Charlie Sheen. Oh, and poligrip works wonders! And it’s zinc-free!!
Inn: Most of my posts are stupid, pointless and lacking in wit. And I can’t blame it on Monday. I’m that way most of the time.
Maybe they could rehire Charely at Two and a half men. He could probably play the half part okay.
“A coke addict on the go doesn’t have time to change underwear.”
Yep and they have no time for number 1 or 2, until they crash and burn that is.