Following on the heels of his death at the hands of Navy Seals, the final tape of terror mastermind Osama Bin Laden has been released.  I was lucky enough to hear excerpts from this chilling tape.

The tape begins with Bin Laden declaring eternal holy war against the west:

OBL:   With the holy Prophet Allah by our side we will wage eternal war against the Infidel!  The Great Satan is a paper tiger.  The United States will be defeated, praise be to Allah!

Perhaps because normal sources of cash had dried up after 9/11 at 1:46 into the tape Obama mentions a new and novel form (for a jihadist) of raising revenue:

OBL:  The paper tiger, the great Satan will be defeated.  Your cities will be in flames.  And speaking of flames the summer barbecue season is upon us.  Make your summer backyard barbecue an exciting one with Bin Laden’s Barbecue Sauce.  Buy three and get a fourth for half-price.  Act now while supplies last.  Offer not valid in Yemen or Pennsylvania.

At 4:33 into the tape Bin Laden mentions perks for those who sign up for the Jihad.  CIA analysts theorize that these were recruiting tools for a new, younger generation of would-be jihadists who no longer could be recruited with promises of sheep and virgins.

OBL:  The mighty prophet Allah says that we have a duty to kill the infidel.  The westerner is soft and decadent. So join the holy war now.  Those who do will get a free iPhone!  With 4G!  Stream your favorite soccer matches while strapping bombs to your chest.  Call your favorite wives!  Because killing infidels thousands of miles away from home is no excuse not to stay in touch with loved ones.

At seven minutes into the tape a violent argument appears to break out:

OBL:  We will crush the infidel and burn his churches.  We will destroy his farms and ruin his food supply.  The western economy is on the verge of collapse.  The dollar?  Useless!  Invest in gold!  We will –

Unidentified Female Voice:  Obby!  Obby.  Did you take the garbage out?

OBL:  I’m making a tape!

Unidentified Female Voice:  Don’t you yell at me mister.  There are chores to do around this house.  The grass needs to be cut.  The garage door won’t shut all the way and the washing machine is leaking.

OBL:  Can’t this wait?  I’m in the middle of something important!

Unidentified Female Voice:  If you think you are going to sit around all day doing nothing!! I cook and I clean for you and this is what I get? All I want is a little respect!

A scuffle appears to break out.  The next 30 seconds are a series of grunts, noises and exclamations until Bin Laden cries out:

OBL:  No!  Don’t kick me there!

After this there is silence except for a man, presumably Bin Laden, who is heard moaning.  The tape ends with the unidentified female voice:

Unidentified Female Voice:  Some jihadist you are!  My mother was right.  I should have married a doctor.

Analysts at the CIA who have heard the tape are in unanimous agreement that had Bin Laden lived attacks against the United States would have continued and thousands more would have died.

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Osama Bin Laden, the terrorist mastermind responsible for the 9/11 attacks was killed during a unilateral, non-nuanced military action in Pakistan.  We start our coverage from Hell.

Dateline Hell

I am standing in the lowest circle of Hell.  Sources say that Osama Bin Laden showed up here yesterday.  He appeared confused and was favoring a gaping bullet wound to his head.  According to eyewitnesses Bin Laden asked where his virgins were.  He also asked several people “This is paradise?”

Bin Laden was then strapped face down to a table where local goats took turns mounting him. Mr Bin Laden at first appeared not to mind but when informed that he would be mounted by goats for all eternity he became displeased.

“A little variety please” he said.  “Where are my teen boys?”

A  man calling himself “Satan” who appears to be in charge told me that “I’m just teasing him.  No.  The goats end soon.  Then comes the dismemberment.  Over and over and over again for all eternity.  And the boiling tar.  Pitchforks.  Trust me. He’s going to wish he was being mounted by goats.”

Bin Laden has told people that he plans to lodge a complaint with Allah.

Dateline Pakistan

From deep inside Pakistan where Bin Laden was found and killed, one of his wives speaks out:

He couldn’t do anything right!  I told him Osama dear take out the garbage.   Then these helicopters show up and start firing.  He used that an excuse not to take the garbage out!  Men!  They are all alike.  Then the Americans shot him in the head.  He says ‘Ow, I’ve been shot in the head.  Mommy help me.’  I yelled at him and told him to act like a man and finish taking the garbage out.  But does he?  No.  He dies.  Any excuse not to do chores around the house!

From the Capital of Islamabad senior Pakistani security forces deny any knowledge of Bin Laden’s whereabouts in his final days.

Pakistani Intelligence Leader:  We had no idea.  None whatsoever that Bin Laden was in our country.

MI:  But he was living 50 miles from the capital.  In a mansion.  Across the street from a military college.  How do you explain that?

Pakistani Intelligence Leader:  We thought Justin Bieber was living there. 

Dateline Democratic National Headquarters

From inside the DNC there was consternation.  Said one official:

Why did we use kinetic action to de-live him?  Why didn’t we take him alive?  We have high-speed rail.  We could have taken him to a wind farm, eaten vegan food and talked peace and pixie farts.  We could have discovered the root cause of his hatred and apologized for it.   And all those people in the streets waving flags and cheering his de-living?  It’s embarrassing.  The sophisticated, nuanced Europeans are laughing at us!  We are above gloating over the death of fellow humans.  Well, unless it’s Dick Cheney, George Bush or Sarah Palin.

Dateline Arabian Sea – USS Carl Vinson Aircraft Carrier

Osama Bin Laden’s body was flown to this carrier in the Arabian Sea where his body was annointed and prepared for a burial at sea.  I asked Captain Bruce H. Lindsey about the ceremony.

MI:  You washed and anointed the body?

Captain Lindsey:  Anointed?  I guess you could call it that.  We had many sailors on board who volunteered to personally anoint the body.   Many lined up after drinking fluids for the chance to “anoint” the body.

MI:  And then he was buried at sea?

Captain Lindsey:  Um.  I guess you could call it a burial at sea. 

MI:  What exactly happened?

Captain Lindsey:  Did you ever see that scene in Jaws where Roy Scheider is chucking meat into the sea to attract the shark?   It was more like that.

Dateline Hell

The last word must come from Hell where Osama Bin Laden continued to complain about his treatment.

OBL:  Can someone please call a doctor?  The blood in my bullet wound is beginning to congeal. I won’t be able to watch The View if this keeps up.  Speaking of which – are they any televisions down here?  And if I’m going to be mounted by goats how about some lube?  Really!  It’s a common courtesy.  Mommy!

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A tall middle-aged man who calls himself George Pataki sent out a press release today announcing that he is forming an exploratory committee to determine if he should run for President.

Among the cable networks and papers that received the press release the reaction ranged from the Poughkeepsie Journal’s “Pataki?  Didn’t he play Riff Raff in Rocky Horror Picture Show” to MSNBC’s “Pataki?  Wasn’t he the guy who replaced Roger C. Carmel on The Mothers-In-Law, you know the ’60s TV show? No wait.  That was Richard Deacon who replaced Roger C. Carmel.  I think Pataki was the guy who replaced Christopher Bernau as Alan Spalding on The Guiding Light.”

Despite such underwhelming reaction the tall middle-aged man calling himself George Pataki stood on the steps of the Capitol Building in Albany New York (shown here) and announced his exploratory committee and why he feels he’d be a good choice to be President.

My exploratory committee will seek to determine if people still remember the work I did as Governor of the fine state of New York.  Yes.  I was governor.  What?  1995 to 2007.  Yes.  I have pictures of myself in the Governor’s office.  No.  No it wasn’t a tour.  I actually was Governor.  Three terms.  1995 to 2007.  What?  No, I don’t know where the bathroom is.  Ask a tour guide.  What? No.  I’m not a tour guide.  I am the former governor.  Yes.  New York.  What?  1995 to 2007.  Three terms.  No I’m not on medication.  Seriously.  I was governor and I think I’d be a good President.  What?  Yes I am tall.  No, I don’t know where the bathroom is.  I am George Pataki.  Yes, I have I.D.  See?  No, I was never on the TV show the Mothers-in-Law.  You must be thinking of Richard Deacon or Roger C. Carmel.  I am announcing  – what?  No I don’t know where the bathroom is.

The tall middle-aged man calling himself George Pataki was then escorted from the steps of the Capitol Building by police and placed in a waiting patrol car.

Officer Steven Krokoff, Chief of Police for Albany apologized for the breach in security and emphasized that at no time was the real Governor, Andrew Cuomo in any danger from the tall middle-aged man.

Look I don’t know who he is.  I think he’s an actor.  Might have been on the Guiding Light.  But we’ll hold him for questioning and find out where he got the fake George Pataki I.D.

In lieu of the incident Albany police have announced plans to beef up security around the Capitol building.

We just can’t have any crazy homeless person holding press conferences on the steps.  I don’t care how tall they might be.

The tall middle-aged man calling himself George Pataki was released on bail.  He denies being Roger C. Carmel.

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The following is an official press release from official people acting officially.  (And remember, as the Manhattan Infidel I never make things up.)

Hello America.  I am Donna Brazile, interim Chairperson of the Democratic National Committee.  On this Monday after Earth Day (known in the old calendar as Easter Monday) I would like to congratulate all loyal Democrats on their pro-Gaia green sensibilities.  However I find that many Democrats in the trenches complain that they lack the resources and knowledge to speak to Republicans.  Many say the Republicans are bitter and cling to guns or, worse, religion. Fully aware of this, and hoping to make life easier for our community organizers and Democratic activists we have released a new translation of a book called “The Gospel” that many Republicans read.  We hope that by familiarizing yourselves with the the life and death of the socialist community organizer called Jesus you will be better able to talk to Republicans and confront them on our core issues.  Thank you.

And when he was sitting on Mt. Olivet his fellow community organizers came to him and said What shall be the sign of your coming and the consummation of higher tax rates for those making over $200,000?

And Jesus answering said:  Take heed that no man seduce you (though we welcome all gay, lesbian and transgendered). You shall hear of Bush-era tax cuts and rumors of extending them.  See that you be not troubled for we have a majority in the Senate.

You shall be hated by businessman because of my redistributive program.  When therefore you see the abomination of desolation (either Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachman, take your pick), he that reads let him understand.  Let them flee to the mountains. (But don’t drive.  Take high speed rail instead.)

There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.  But fortunately with the health care reform bill past last year all shall have access to dentists.

And when Jesus was in Bethany in the house of Simon the Leper there came to him a woman having an alabaster box of precious ointment and poured it on his head as he was at table.  And the disciples seeing it had indignation and saith To what purpose was this waste? For this might have been sold and the money used for entitlement programs.  And Jesus knowing it said to them Why do you trouble this woman?  For she makes less than $200,000 a year and therefore is not evil.

Then one of the twelve who was called Judas Iscariot said to the chief priests What will you give me and I will deliver him to you.  And they reduced his tax rate for Judas maketh over $200,000.

And while they were eating Jesus said Amen I say to you one of you is about to vote Republican.  And they being very much troubled said, Is it I Lord?  But he answering said The one who drives an SUV, is of northern European origin and believes that America is exceptional he it is that shall vote Republican.

And while they were at supper Jesus took bread, blessed and said Take and redistribute. And taking the chalice he gave to them saying Drink all of this for this has no sugar.

And Jesus stood before the Governor and the Governor asked him Are you the King of the Jews?  Jesus answered I am a community organizer who believes in a two state solution.

Now from the sixth hour until the ninth hour there was darkness over the whole Earth, probably because of global warming.

And Jesus crying with a loud voice yielded up the ghost to protest Bush era tax cuts.

And Jesus coming spoke to them saying All power in Heaven and Earth has been given to me courtesy of the United Nations.  Go therefore, teach all nations, redistributing income in the name of the Father, and of the Son and the Holy Ghost. And behold I am with you all days even unto the midterm elections.

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