“Thank god the Cubs didn’t sign me.  I’d have been a loser all my life” ~ Moose Skowron

Today was May 1st, May Day.  And on this beautiful Sunday the Yankees finished off a three game series against the Toronto “What?  Yeah I know Shatner’s from Canada.  Want to make something of it” Blue Jays.

The Yankees started Ivan Nova (2-2 5.14) while Toronto countered with Jesse Litsch (2-2 4.60).  On this Sunday when John Paul II was beatified could miracles happen?  Would Ivan Nova pitch into the seventh inning?  Would the Yankees continue to hit home runs?  Would Yankee Stadium security beat me up on suspicion of not being rich?   Anything could happen.

After a 1-2-3 top of the first the Yankees got on the board first.  Toronto had an extreme version of the shift against Mark Teixeira (all Toronto infielders were actually playing from the Yankee dugout.)  Teixeira however homered to deep right center.  1 – 0 Yankees after one.

Toronto got a run back in the top of the second when Adam Lind homered to left field.  1-1 after two.

Nova hit a road bump in the top of the third giving up a run on two hits.  Rajai Davis led off with a walk. Then stole second. Then stole third.   After Yunel Escobar struck out Jose “I am not saying I’m on any performance enhancing drugs but my real  name is Lidia and I’m a 68 year old retired pharmacist” Bautista grounded out 6-3 allowing Davis to score.  2-1 Toronto after three.

After that both starting pitchers settled down and the score remained 2-1 Toronto until the Yankees broke it up in the bottom of the fifth.  Jorge “Mendoza line” Posada led off with a double.  Brett “Mendoza Line II” then singled.  Francisco Cervelli in his first game back from the DL  grounded out allowing Posada to score and Gardner to go to second.  Tie game. Derek “Washed up but I can console myself with Minka Kelly” then reached first on a fielder’s choice. Curtis Granderson then hit a three run home run to deep right.  5 – 2 Yankees after five.

And that was the final score.  Nova pitched 6 1/3 innings giving up two runs on six hits while walking four and striking out five.  David Robertson and Boone Logan finished the seventh while Rafael Soriano  (of the 6.57 ERA) pitched the eighth and Mariano Rivera pitched the ninth, recording his 10th save of the season, allowing the Yankees to win two out of three from Toronto.

Notes on the game:

Today was skin cancer screening day at Yankee Stadium because the Yankees care about their fans and would like to remind them that one day they will die a slow horrible painful death. More slow horrible and painful than the last season of Lost.  (So the secret of the Island is that it’s a water slide?  WTF?  And don’t give me any of that “Oh the Island is just a plot device.”  Yeah well you now what else is just a plot device?  My penis in your mouth.)

The following rant was sponsored by Anthelios 60, the sun screen with an SPF of 60, given out for free at the game today because the Yankees care about their fans and, oh, yeah, you’re all going to die.

Regular beers at Yankee Stadium are six dollars.  A souvenir beer is 12.  But it’s worth it because if you buy a souvenir beer Rafael Soriano personally apologizes for his April and offers to mow your lawn.  Because the Yankees care about their fans.  The ones that haven’t died yet that is.

Best t-shirt ever:  A Yankee fan at the game wore a “At least our heroes aren’t frozen”  shirt with a drawing of Ted Williams cracked, frozen and decapitated head.

Recommended reading material:

Under the March Sun:  The Story of Spring Training by Charles Fountain.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “How come every time you see the Yankees they win and every time I see them they lose?”

Simple.  It’s your couch.  The Yankees don’t like it.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I have no more room in my crawl space.  Where else can I put nubile, college-age babysitters I lure to my place?”

Running out of room in your crawl space is a rookie mistake.  That’s what garages are for.  Use a pick axe to break up the cement, dig a hole, place the bodies in the hole and re-cement the garage floor.  Um. I mean I’m shocked and disgusted by your email.  I’m notifying the police.

There was a scary moment before the game when just-activated backup catcher Francisco Cervelli had a seizure and thought he was auditioning for “So You Think You Can Dance.”   He was wrestled to the ground by Stadium security and given sun screen.  Because the Yankees care.  And we are all going to die.

After the first 25 games of the year the Yankees are in first place in the AL East with a 16-9 record, 2 1/2 games ahead of the Tampa Rays.  I suppose I should be happy but the Yankees have problems.  This team is old.  Jeter looks washed up.  Same with Posada. The Yankees offense so far is one-dimensional relying too much on long ball.  And Alex Rodriguez is running out of blonds.  But it’s still early.  Jeter and Posada may come back.  And if our pitching holds up I think we’ll do well.

My record this year stands at 3 – 0.  My next game is Wednesday May 25th against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

 ****UPDATE ON THE BIN LADEN FUCKER*****

So I had finished writing this post and published it and was watching the ESPN game in Phily when the news came down that Bin Laden had been kinetically de-lived.

GOOD RIDDANCE.

I hear they buried his body at sea.  Too good for him.  I’d cut his head off, mount it on a pole at ground zero, feed his torso to goats and send his limbs to the generals in Pakistan with a note attached:  “Thanks for protecting him for 10 years.  You’re next!”

Of course it’s only a matter of time before some start complaining.  Why do Americans always have to be unilateral and simple minded?  Where’s the nuance in killing him?  Couldn’t we have picked him up in high speed rail, taken him to a wind farm and dialogued over vegan food?  We could find out the root cause of why he hates us.

Anyway, still good the fucker’s dead.

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