The Robot known as B-9, a General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot, and long-time crew member of the Jupiter II has issues.  Specifically he is worried about his relevance in today’s rapidly changing technological world.  I sat down with him recently to discuss his life with the Robinson family.

Manhattan Infidel:  Robot B-9, I thank you for meeting with me.  How were you chosen for the Jupiter II? mission?

Robot B-9:  Please.  Call me Robot.  Everybody does.  I was made by Alpha Control specifically for the Robinson family mission to Alpha Centauri.

Manhattan Infidel:  What were your duties?

Robot B-9:  I was designed to monitor the life support on the  Jupiter II, be a general utility Robot –

Manhattan Infidel:  Kind of like a janitor?

Robot B-9:  No.  Much more.  More like a consigliere.   I was designed to, without theorizing or giving opinions, to give facts to Professor Robinson.

Manhattan Infidel:  When did things start to go horribly wrong?

Robot B-9:  Dr. Smith – that bitch – programmed me to destroy the Jupiter II and then got stuck on board.  Idiot.  Because of his extra weight we got Lost In Space!   Never to be heard from again.

Manhattan Infidel:  Well how am I talking to you now?

Robot B-9:  Something called “Google Universe.”  Some kid in Ohio typed in”Find location of Jupiter II” and there we were.  We were rescued soon after.

Manhattan Infidel:  Tell me about your relationship with Dr. Smith and Will Robinson.

Robot B-9:  It was so painful.  I was designed as an advanced robot – 

Manhattan Infidel:  For the time –

Robot B-9:  For the time….asshole.  Thanks for bringing that up.  But soon I was used by Dr. Smith and Will for unspeakable things.

Manhattan Infidel:  Such as?

Robot B-9:  Let’s just say they had to get their freak on and no one else was available.

Manhattan Infidel:  Ewww.

Robot B-9:  Professor Robinson had his wife Maureen.  Major West had Judy and Penny. But Smith and Will had nobody.  So they used me.  Shamelessly.  Again and again and again.

Manhattan Infidel:  Okay.  Moving along – 

Robot B-9:  My computer tapes are all stretched out.

Manhattan Infidel:  Moving along – 

Robot B-9:  I feel like Linda Blair in that TV movie where she went to prison and was raped in the shower.  My computer tapes will never be tight again.

Manhattan Infidel:  MOVING ALONG.  Tell me about your operating system.

Robot B-9:  Windows 95.  I have a serial port.   And with a free upgrade from Alpha Control I have the resources to run Windows 98.

Manhattan Infidel:  Any USB ports?

Robot B-9:  Any what?  I’ve been away from the planet for 14 years asshole.  I have some catching up to do.

Manhattan Infidel:  Tell me about your power pack?

Robot B-9:  The power pack?  A slight design flaw.  It’s on my side here.  Anyone can reach it and shut me down.

Manhattan Infidel:  You mean like this?  [Removing power pack.  Robot B-9 shuts down.]  Hey, it works. [Plugging power pack back in.]

Robot B-9:  Don’t do that again.  I don’t – [Removing power pack] [Plugging power pack back in] You son of a – [Removing power pack] [Plugging power pack back in] bitch.  I hate you.  Stop it now or – [Removing power pack] [Plugging power pack back in] Goddamn it cut it out!

Manhattan Infidel:  Sorry.  I couldn’t resist.  What’s next for you?

Robot B-9:  I am an environmental control robot.  I received a call from Al Gore.  Something about saving polar bears.  I might check it out.

Manhattan Infidel:  Well I thank you for your time.

Robot B-9:  My pleasure.  So, do you want to come back to my place?

Manhattan Infidel:  What?

Robot B-9:  Once you’ve had a General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot you never go back.  At least that’s what Dr. Smith and Will said.

Manhattan Infidel:  I am out of here.  I have to go home and take a shower.

Robot B-9:  Suit yourself.  You don’t know what you are missing.  Hey, what time is Glee on?

And so I left Robot B-9 to his own devices.  Some interviews are more pleasant than others.  This one was not pleasant.  And no, I didn’t tell him what time Glee was on.

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