Morale Low Among Free Range Chickens

It’s all such a joke!  There is no meaning to life!  The chicken God is dead!Despite having unfettered access to roam around, there are reports of a dramatic decrease in morale among free range chickens.

 “They used to strut around.  Now many of them just sit there, staring into space.  Some of them have started listening to jazz and writing beatnik poetry” according to one farmer who runs a chicken ranch.

The dining experience of many has suffered as a result.

“I used to always demand free range chicken when I went to a restaurant” said one frequent diner.  “Free range chicken just tastes happier than regular chicken.  I know that the chicken I am eating was content and stress free before his head was chopped off and his entrails packaged for consumption.”

Many farmers tell investigators of an increase in suicides among their chickens.

“I had a mass suicide last week” said a concerned farmer.  “I went into the chicken coop and hundreds had hung themselves.  Ironically they used chicken wire.”

Farmers have attempted many methods of improving morale among their livestock.  Soothing music was played on loudspeakers.  Chicken prostitutes were employed.  On several occasions a “chicken whisperer” was brought in to talk to the chickens and allay their fears.  Said one chicken whisperer

I just walked calmly among them speaking to them in a soft voice.  I said ‘Hey chickens.  Everything is going to be okay.  Relax.  Breathe deeply.  Look at the beautiful sky.  Look at this beautiful farm.  Be free chickens.  Be free.  Don’t worry about what’s going to happen tomorrow when they cut your heads off and rip out your entrails.’  On second thought maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that cutting the head off and ripping out the entrails part.  Could be why I haven’t been paid yet.

A chicken psychologist states that none of this should come as a surprise.

As chicken society has become more evolved the chickens have moved out of their primitive chicken paradise.  They have become over-socialized, if you will.  As a result many chickens have intense feelings of guilt.  They have started questioning their chicken values.  Many have begun to doubt the existence of a chicken god.  Sucks to be them.  Hey, anyone up for some KFC?

As for the restaurant experience of the disgruntled diner he says he will make the painful adjustment.

“I’ve started eating hamburgers.  Not the same.  Sure cows taste happy but that’s because they are too stupid to know the difference.”


8 Responses

  1. fleeceme says:

    Great satire. Very funny stuff, especially the diner’s quotes, hahaha.

    Not sure why I have never visited here before, probably because I am a moron, finally came here from KS. I will visit much more often. Gonna add you to my blogroll as well. =)

  2. innominatus says:

    If chickens ever figure out Facebook we’ll be really screwed.

    [geek] Heh. Fleeceme, his eyes opened. [/geek]

  3. eots says:

    Ha-ha-ha! I especially like the closing paragraph.

    I’m also going to add you to my blogroll.

  4. Range chicken is definitely better than those steroid injected beast that Venezuela imports from Brazil. They are awful.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Fleece me: thanks for dropping by. You have been added to my blogroll as well.

    Inn: Not only are chickens on facebook I hear they are tweeting as well.

    Eot: Thanks. I’ve added you.

    Jim: Those chickens are not on steroids. Chicken growth hormone yes.

  6. Matt says:

    I don’t know MI, the turkeys said they saw Jose Canseco injecting something into the chickens. And why did they hire Barry Bond’s agent?

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Turkeys are trash talkers. I wouldn’t believe a word they say.

  8. MK says:

    That was a good one.

    Seriously know, i don’t know what people are going on about these free range chickens, i can’t taste the difference, what’s worse, that free range stuff is more expensive. Let the hippies pay for that crap.

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