The day is upon us and the former Republic of America is stir crazy for royalty. Prince William, heir to the throne of Great Britain is marrying Kate Middleton who, unfortunately, is a filthy commoner.
I have a saying I live my life by and it has always served me well: Never use a credit card when checking into a motel room with a hooker. Um, no I mean if you can’t beat them join them. Yeah, that’s what I meant.
And so, having joined the American mania for useless, treasury-draining powerless constitutional monarchs I now present my official guide to the most important event to take place ever in the history of the world. (The release of the original Planet of the Apes takes a close second.)
Will and Kate Wedding Souvenirs:
Having spent all night on my laptop viewing the web cam of a Japanese lesbian porn star, I mean having spent all night on my laptop researching the literally thousands of official Royal wedding souvenirs I now present a few of my favorites.
- An official Prince William Bald Patch.
Yes people, for only $29.95 you too can have that sexy Royal family bald patch that makes the ladies swoon. Buy it and for no extra charge you’ll get the Royal Family comb-over. This is going to be a hot item so act now while supplies last.
- A Prince William phrase book.
Would you like to speak like Prince William and make the ladies swoon? What man wouldn’t want to. Now for only $45 you too can speak like a prince. Learn to say such phrases as “I am a leech who has nothing to do the rest of my life. Would you like to come back to my castle for tea and crumpets?”
That’s not sexy enough for you? How about “Have you ever slept with a man whose ancestors drove the Irish from their lands, forbade freedom of worship and denied them the right to serve on juries or hold office?”
Top locations to view the Royal Wedding:
The past couple weeks many people have asked me, “That’s just a cold sore right?” Um, I mean they have asked me “Where can I view the Royal wedding?” Well readers, here are some spots that I feel will increase your enjoyment of the upcoming nuptials.
- With your head up your ass.
On the day of the Royal wedding I suggest that if you really want to see it and to experience how the other half lives, shove your head all the way up your ass and leave it there. With head firmly ensconced inside said buttocks take a few deep breaths. What do you smell? Royalty!
- Pissing on the graves of your ancestors.
Your forefathers fought to establish and maintain a Republic. What better way to honor the future King of Great Britain than by watching his marriage while urinating on the graves of your ancestors. It’s fun! And with 4G access you don’t to miss a minute of the wedding of the century.
And there you have it. I hope my information is of use to you, fellow Royal lovers.
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Great post, bur for some strange reason I feel somewhat violated. I wounder wh this is?
Great post, bur for some strange reason I feel somewhat violated. I wounder why this is? (correction)
Best take care of that cold sore. It could be contagious. LOL
I also don’t get the fascination with the Kennedies, our American royals.
TJ: Better check out that cold sore!
Jim: Fortunately with Obamacare I no longer have to worry about cold sores.
Eots: The press sees itself as American royalty so they are of course fascinated with the royalty, elites and the super rich- “wow, one of our own!”
You are gifted in not only give solid news information, and even better advise. That credit card advice will help many.
“…for useless, treasury-draining powerless constitutional monarchs…”
That sums up my whole take on this nonsense. The complete uselessness of them is most likely the reason why much of the world seems utterly fascinated by them.
MK: It’s a train wreck, without Charlie Sheen’s porn stars.
Matt: I’m just glad my advice was able to help.