Osama Bin Laden Kinetically De-Lived (With Updates From Hell)

Mommy!  The Americans are being mean to me!Osama Bin Laden, the terrorist mastermind responsible for the 9/11 attacks was killed during a unilateral, non-nuanced military action in Pakistan.  We start our coverage from Hell.

Dateline Hell

I am standing in the lowest circle of Hell.  Sources say that Osama Bin Laden showed up here yesterday.  He appeared confused and was favoring a gaping bullet wound to his head.  According to eyewitnesses Bin Laden asked where his virgins were.  He also asked several people “This is paradise?”

Bin Laden was then strapped face down to a table where local goats took turns mounting him. Mr Bin Laden at first appeared not to mind but when informed that he would be mounted by goats for all eternity he became displeased.

“A little variety please” he said.  “Where are my teen boys?”

A  man calling himself “Satan” who appears to be in charge told me that “I’m just teasing him.  No.  The goats end soon.  Then comes the dismemberment.  Over and over and over again for all eternity.  And the boiling tar.  Pitchforks.  Trust me. He’s going to wish he was being mounted by goats.”

Bin Laden has told people that he plans to lodge a complaint with Allah.

Dateline Pakistan

From deep inside Pakistan where Bin Laden was found and killed, one of his wives speaks out:

He couldn’t do anything right!  I told him Osama dear take out the garbage.   Then these helicopters show up and start firing.  He used that an excuse not to take the garbage out!  Men!  They are all alike.  Then the Americans shot him in the head.  He says ‘Ow, I’ve been shot in the head.  Mommy help me.’  I yelled at him and told him to act like a man and finish taking the garbage out.  But does he?  No.  He dies.  Any excuse not to do chores around the house!

From the Capital of Islamabad senior Pakistani security forces deny any knowledge of Bin Laden’s whereabouts in his final days.

Pakistani Intelligence Leader:  We had no idea.  None whatsoever that Bin Laden was in our country.

MI:  But he was living 50 miles from the capital.  In a mansion.  Across the street from a military college.  How do you explain that?

Pakistani Intelligence Leader:  We thought Justin Bieber was living there. 

Dateline Democratic National Headquarters

From inside the DNC there was consternation.  Said one official:

Why did we use kinetic action to de-live him?  Why didn’t we take him alive?  We have high-speed rail.  We could have taken him to a wind farm, eaten vegan food and talked peace and pixie farts.  We could have discovered the root cause of his hatred and apologized for it.   And all those people in the streets waving flags and cheering his de-living?  It’s embarrassing.  The sophisticated, nuanced Europeans are laughing at us!  We are above gloating over the death of fellow humans.  Well, unless it’s Dick Cheney, George Bush or Sarah Palin.

Dateline Arabian Sea – USS Carl Vinson Aircraft Carrier

Osama Bin Laden’s body was flown to this carrier in the Arabian Sea where his body was annointed and prepared for a burial at sea.  I asked Captain Bruce H. Lindsey about the ceremony.

MI:  You washed and anointed the body?

Captain Lindsey:  Anointed?  I guess you could call it that.  We had many sailors on board who volunteered to personally anoint the body.   Many lined up after drinking fluids for the chance to “anoint” the body.

MI:  And then he was buried at sea?

Captain LindseyUm.  I guess you could call it a burial at sea. 

MI:  What exactly happened?

Captain Lindsey:  Did you ever see that scene in Jaws where Roy Scheider is chucking meat into the sea to attract the shark?   It was more like that.

Dateline Hell

The last word must come from Hell where Osama Bin Laden continued to complain about his treatment.

OBL:  Can someone please call a doctor?  The blood in my bullet wound is beginning to congeal. I won’t be able to watch The View if this keeps up.  Speaking of which – are they any televisions down here?  And if I’m going to be mounted by goats how about some lube?  Really!  It’s a common courtesy.  Mommy!



10 Responses

  1. Hahahaaaaaaaaa.

    I’m glad he’s dead. Also, I’m glad it’s goats mounting him. Just seems fitting.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: God bless goats!


  4. You do have a warped mind, my friend. I love it.

  5. Karen Howes says:

    That effing bastard couldn’t even take out the garbage???!!!

    He most certainly does belong in hell!

  6. Matt says:

    Nobody told him that the only thing he can eat is rancid pork?

  7. LSP says:

    It’s a disgrace! Murdering our own latter day Gandhi! Disband SEAL Team 6, the killers. Resurrect the, er, Selous Scouts!


  8. LSP says:

    SEAL Team 6? Murderers. Bring back the, er, Selous Scouts. Yes, and Clown Masses.

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    LSP: Clown masses, versus populum of course.

  10. MK says:

    “Many lined up after drinking fluids for the chance to “anoint” the body.”

    I would have paid just to watch that.

    “And if I’m going to be mounted by goats how about some lube?”

    f*** you no lube for u.

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