It seemed like a good idea at the time.  Why not take your child to work and show him what you do for a living?

“I thought it would be great to expose children to the workplace” said one of the organizers.

But in a classic case of unintended consequences, 83% of children who were brought to work by their parents are reporting dramatic increases in nightmares, bedwetting, smoking and the inability to maintain a significant relationship with other children.

Teachers tell of once bright, enthusiastic students who seem to have lost all interest in school.  Said one:

My best students are ruined because of take your child to work day.  They used to care about studying, multiplication tables, gym class and writing papers.  Now they just sit in the corner with their arms folded.  I asked one child what seven times five was.  Do you know what he said?  He said ‘What does it matter.  It’s all so f$#&*^g useless. My 401K’s been wiped out and I lost out on the promotion.  No corner office for me.  And my secretary is suing me for sexual harassment.’

School nurses now have give liberal doses of anti-anxiety medication to children returning from take your child to work day outings.  In one typical case, a ten year old child sits in the nurses waiting room, a cigarette in hand.

I used to be happy.  All I cared about was playing sports and video games.  Then my father – hey, thanks a lot Dad – took me to his office.  I spent eight hours with him watching what he does. He said it was important that I got an experience of what an office is.  He said that one day I would have to do what he does.  It was horrible. People were yelling at him and telling him to do things, telling him to get things done on time. It used to be the only thing I worried about was when my testicles would descend.  Now look at me!  I’m smoking, my hairline is receding, I drink way too much and my girlfriend has left me for a second grader.  Well f##* this shit. I’m buying a gun and shooting everyone who’s pissed me off.

Another child reports that

I went to work with dad and he introduced me to this man.  He said ‘Son, this is my supervisor.’  I said ‘Daddy is this the man you call Mr. Shithead?’  My dad got all red in the face and he and the other man started to argue. Then the other man told my daddy he was fired.  We left right after that.  My dad drinks a lot now.

In light of the reported negative consequences the organizers of Take Your Child to Work Day have suspended next year’s event.

“We’ve learned from our mistakes” said an organizer.  “Next year we’ll try something less dangerous like ‘Show your child how to surf the internet and then leave him unattended day’ or ‘Place your child in a puddle and let him play with electronics day.’ ” 

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