The Passion of the Socialist Christ

Noted socialist and Democratic activist Jesus during a community organizing momentThe following is an official press release from official people acting officially.  (And remember, as the Manhattan Infidel I never make things up.)

Hello America.  I am Donna Brazile, interim Chairperson of the Democratic National Committee.  On this Monday after Earth Day (known in the old calendar as Easter Monday) I would like to congratulate all loyal Democrats on their pro-Gaia green sensibilities.  However I find that many Democrats in the trenches complain that they lack the resources and knowledge to speak to Republicans.  Many say the Republicans are bitter and cling to guns or, worse, religion. Fully aware of this, and hoping to make life easier for our community organizers and Democratic activists we have released a new translation of a book called “The Gospel” that many Republicans read.  We hope that by familiarizing yourselves with the the life and death of the socialist community organizer called Jesus you will be better able to talk to Republicans and confront them on our core issues.  Thank you.

And when he was sitting on Mt. Olivet his fellow community organizers came to him and said What shall be the sign of your coming and the consummation of higher tax rates for those making over $200,000?

And Jesus answering said:  Take heed that no man seduce you (though we welcome all gay, lesbian and transgendered). You shall hear of Bush-era tax cuts and rumors of extending them.  See that you be not troubled for we have a majority in the Senate.

You shall be hated by businessman because of my redistributive program.  When therefore you see the abomination of desolation (either Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachman, take your pick), he that reads let him understand.  Let them flee to the mountains. (But don’t drive.  Take high speed rail instead.)

There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.  But fortunately with the health care reform bill past last year all shall have access to dentists.

And when Jesus was in Bethany in the house of Simon the Leper there came to him a woman having an alabaster box of precious ointment and poured it on his head as he was at table.  And the disciples seeing it had indignation and saith To what purpose was this waste? For this might have been sold and the money used for entitlement programs.  And Jesus knowing it said to them Why do you trouble this woman?  For she makes less than $200,000 a year and therefore is not evil.

Then one of the twelve who was called Judas Iscariot said to the chief priests What will you give me and I will deliver him to you.  And they reduced his tax rate for Judas maketh over $200,000.

And while they were eating Jesus said Amen I say to you one of you is about to vote Republican.  And they being very much troubled said, Is it I Lord?  But he answering said The one who drives an SUV, is of northern European origin and believes that America is exceptional he it is that shall vote Republican.

And while they were at supper Jesus took bread, blessed and said Take and redistribute. And taking the chalice he gave to them saying Drink all of this for this has no sugar.

And Jesus stood before the Governor and the Governor asked him Are you the King of the Jews?  Jesus answered I am a community organizer who believes in a two state solution.

Now from the sixth hour until the ninth hour there was darkness over the whole Earth, probably because of global warming.

And Jesus crying with a loud voice yielded up the ghost to protest Bush era tax cuts.

And Jesus coming spoke to them saying All power in Heaven and Earth has been given to me courtesy of the United Nations.  Go therefore, teach all nations, redistributing income in the name of the Father, and of the Son and the Holy Ghost. And behold I am with you all days even unto the midterm elections.



6 Responses

  1. elf says:

    Behold I have an ephiphany, given unto me by the Angel Gabriel, and drinking from the Sacred Monster Energy drink of Delphi: Say – make thee Hudna with the Liberals. Speakest unto them of the prophet Rand, and fashion thee an high speed ark that ridest the rails unto the mountains. There they should gatherest and await the coming of the most Holy Social Justice. For this is Wisdom – sayst unto them that they are the Atlas holding up the world, but as it is wicked and ungrateful for thy enlightened stewardship of their ill gotten gains, they should as the righteous retreat by High Speed rail unto the mountains, tell them the cities will burn as Gomorrah (Sodom’s cool now) whenst the welfare checks are mailed not for them. When all the Blue Cities lie in ashes they shall return with their fresh printed greenbacks and food stamps, and social Justice shall prevail. Say: retreat thee oh Righteous Sons of Social Justice and await the Coming of the Messhugaah.

    And when’st thou has lured them into the Mountains, rip up the rails that led them there. Then sendst thy Predators with thy righteous Hellfires and smite them, for it is revealed that the Hudna is the proper way to deal with the unbelievers.

  2. The Jungers says:

    Dudeist thisist theist bestist parodyist ofist theist bibleist, Thoist mustist sayist istist afterist everythignist nowist.

  3. Matt says:

    I think you might want to hope that God has a sense of humor. Of course, he did make liberals, so I think you’re safe.

  4. Down here Chavez is always telling the people that Christ was the first socialist. These people have no shame.

  5. Karen Howes says:

    I know a post of yours is going to be great if I’m laughing at the mere title (as I frequently am).

    Now, here’s my favorite Novusordo Social Justice song:

    I am the bread of life,
    He who signs up for food stamps shall not hunger
    And who believes in Democrats shall not thirst
    No one can make good money
    Unless the government beckons

    And it will raise you up, and it will raise you up
    And it will raise you up till it all goes broke.

  6. Chavez really says that? Wow. Christ was no socialist. At best he was apolitical. “Give to Ceaser what belongs to Ceaser.” But Christ was an economist. 🙂 He gave us our first capital theory. Seriously, he said that no builder starts a project until he thinks he has everything he needs to complete the project. Just a little factoid.

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