Final Bin Laden Tape Released

Mommy!  The Americans are being mean to me!Following on the heels of his death at the hands of Navy Seals, the final tape of terror mastermind Osama Bin Laden has been released.  I was lucky enough to hear excerpts from this chilling tape.

The tape begins with Bin Laden declaring eternal holy war against the west:

OBL:   With the holy Prophet Allah by our side we will wage eternal war against the Infidel!  The Great Satan is a paper tiger.  The United States will be defeated, praise be to Allah!

Perhaps because normal sources of cash had dried up after 9/11 at 1:46 into the tape Obama mentions a new and novel form (for a jihadist) of raising revenue:

OBL:  The paper tiger, the great Satan will be defeated.  Your cities will be in flames.  And speaking of flames the summer barbecue season is upon us.  Make your summer backyard barbecue an exciting one with Bin Laden’s Barbecue Sauce.  Buy three and get a fourth for half-price.  Act now while supplies last.  Offer not valid in Yemen or Pennsylvania.

At 4:33 into the tape Bin Laden mentions perks for those who sign up for the Jihad.  CIA analysts theorize that these were recruiting tools for a new, younger generation of would-be jihadists who no longer could be recruited with promises of sheep and virgins.

OBL:  The mighty prophet Allah says that we have a duty to kill the infidel.  The westerner is soft and decadent. So join the holy war now.  Those who do will get a free iPhone!  With 4G!  Stream your favorite soccer matches while strapping bombs to your chest.  Call your favorite wives!  Because killing infidels thousands of miles away from home is no excuse not to stay in touch with loved ones.

At seven minutes into the tape a violent argument appears to break out:

OBL:  We will crush the infidel and burn his churches.  We will destroy his farms and ruin his food supply.  The western economy is on the verge of collapse.  The dollar?  Useless!  Invest in gold!  We will –

Unidentified Female VoiceObby!  Obby.  Did you take the garbage out?

OBL:  I’m making a tape!

Unidentified Female Voice:  Don’t you yell at me mister.  There are chores to do around this house.  The grass needs to be cut.  The garage door won’t shut all the way and the washing machine is leaking.

OBL:  Can’t this wait?  I’m in the middle of something important!

Unidentified Female Voice:  If you think you are going to sit around all day doing nothing!! I cook and I clean for you and this is what I get? All I want is a little respect!

A scuffle appears to break out.  The next 30 seconds are a series of grunts, noises and exclamations until Bin Laden cries out:

OBL:  No!  Don’t kick me there!

After this there is silence except for a man, presumably Bin Laden, who is heard moaning.  The tape ends with the unidentified female voice:

Unidentified Female Voice:  Some jihadist you are!  My mother was right.  I should have married a doctor.

Analysts at the CIA who have heard the tape are in unanimous agreement that had Bin Laden lived attacks against the United States would have continued and thousands more would have died.

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10 Comments

10 Responses

  1. All I know is that the CIA should put Unidentified Female Voice on their payroll now.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: I have it on good authority that the unidentified female voice was wearing a blue pants suit and called herself “Hillary.”

  3. Greg says:

    I want some of that barbecue sauce! It’s bomb ticking good sauce!

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Greg: Texas thinks they can make good bbq sauce. They aint got nothing on a jihadist.

    jim: turnabout is fair play.

  5. Matt says:

    Being from PA, I had never heard of the sauce before.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: go over the border into New York. Buy the sauce there. Sources confirm that they will soon run out.

  7. eots says:

    He should brunch out into fish sauce.

  8. MK says:

    If only someone had kicked him in the balls, none the less the SEALs shot him in the crotch and did us all a favor.

  9. Karen Howes says:

    Who would have guessed that Osama was henpecked… and had his own brand of barbecue sauce?

    Considering he can’t eat pork, what did he put it on? Hmmm…

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