When the news broke that Osama Bin Laden had a sizable porn collection at his Pakistan hideaway many wondered exactly what was in his “modern, electronically made” collection?

Readers of Manhattan Infidel can rest assured with the knowledge that I, at great danger to myself, would leave no stone unturned in my pursuit of the facts.  Utilizing my contacts with the CIA and Peeporama on Times Square and weeding out the non-modern non-electronically made collection (which included a large number of Sears catalogs with the pages turned down at the lingerie section) I now present to my readers the full contents of Bin Laden’s “modern, electronically made” porn collection:

• No Iman’s Land Jihadist Edition (Volumes 1-6) 

Bin Laden was apparently a big fan of sexy Muslim ladies getting it on together (hey, who wouldn’t be).  All videos ended with the ladies strapping explosives to their bodies and blowing up Jews and infidels.

• Deep Goat 

This groundbreaking movie (and the template for all Muslim porn to follow) features a goat with, shall we say, admirable oral abilities.  That the film was controversial for its time is proven by its marketing slogan:  “A film so shocking no jihadist will be seated during the final ten minutes.  Allah Akbar?  Goat Akbar!” Tragically the goat later committed suicide, claiming that his porn experience was not a healthy one.  The goat was replaced by Ryan Seacrest.

• Deep Ryan Seacrest 

What can I say readers.  Some images are so horrible they will be forever burned into my brain. I mean I just spent 20 hours in a shower trying to get rid of that dirty feeling.  It didn’t work.  Don’t look at me I’m hideous.

• Jihadist Sex Academy (Volumes 1-9)

A very popular series though I found it personally repetitive and lacking in character development.  But fortunately Ryan Seacrest was nowhere to be seen.

• Hovel Cam 

Uncensored videos of hot Muslim ladies in burkas doing unspeakably nasty things in dirty filthy hovels.  Allah Akbar?  Indoor plumbing Akbar I say!

And there you have it readers.  Bin Laden’s porn collection was too massive for me to view all the titles and still make the deadline for today’s post. But rest assured.  I will view all the titles and report on them to you.  I just hope Ryan Seacrest isn’t in any more videos.

(1106)

During the raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, one of his wives, Amal Ahmed Abdulfattah, a 29 year old native Yemeni who married Bin Laden in 2000 was shot and injured.  She is currently recuperating in a Pakistani Military Hospital.  I was lucky enough to be given access to her for an exclusive interview.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.

AAA:  I’ve always wanted to meet a rich American blogger with a readership of millions.

MI:  Um, yeah.  That’s me. First off,  how were you injured?

AAA:   I was mowing the grass in the compound and tripped and broke my ankle.

MI:  So it wasn’t during the raid?

AAA:  No.  I was doing chores around the house since my husband was too lazy to do anything.

MI:  What was life like in the compound.  You lived with him for five years there.

AAA: Boring.  We never went out.   I used to beg him.  Obby please.  Let’s go dancing this weekend.  But no.  Never.  He would just sit around in his t shirt drinking cans of Schlitz and watching The Bodyguard.  You know, the Whitney Houston flick.  He had a thing for her.

MI:  Tell me about the raid.  What were your husband’s last moments like?

AAA:  It was a typical night.  I was yelling at Obby.  “Can’t you do more around the house?  Can we go dancing?  Why must I wear the same outfit as your other wives?” when the Americans burst in.

MI:  What happened then?

AAA:  He begged the Americans to shoot him.  He said “Come on fellas.  Shoot me.  Put me out of my misery.  Anything is better than listening to her nag me all night long.”  Then the Americans shot him.  He didn’t even have the decency to go downstairs and bleed.  I had just vacuumed!  

MI:  Did he say anything before he died?

AAA:  He said “Praise be to Allah.”  And “ouch.”  He said ouch a lot.  Now that I think about it his last words were “Praise be to ouch. Ouch.  Ouch.”

MI:  What was your relationship like with Bin Laden’s other wives?

AAA:  We got along as well as Kim Cattrell and Sarah Jessica Parker.  My only consolation was he never took any of them dancing either.  The cheap bastard.

MI:  Well I think I have all the information I need.  I thank you for your time.

AAA:  Do you want to go dancing?

MI:  What?

AAA:  I know a good club in Islamabad.  They have disco nights.  But I’ll need new shoes.  Can you buy me new shoes?

MI:  I’m not buying you shoes or taking you dancing.

AAA:  Why not?  I need new shoes!  Why won’t you take me dancing? It’s because I’m Yemeni isn’t it?

MI:  I should be going.

AAA:  Go ahead.  Leave me you bastard.  I hate you!  Where are you going?  Please take me dancing.

I left her in the hospital still begging to be taken dancing.  If any of my readers would like to take her dancing feel free to do so.

(567)

In my desire to give my readers valuable information that will better their lives, I now present your horoscope.  Legal disclaimer:  Manhattan Infidel is not a licensed “horoscoper.”  He claims no knowledge of the future.  His predictions might not come true.  Manhattan Infidel cannot be held legally responsible for any injuries or deaths that may result from anyone following his advice.  Manhattan Infidel would also like to take this opportunity to ask Olivia Wilde to please give him a call.  I will forget about the tasering if you can forget about me disguising myself as a plumber and installing a web cam in your shower.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your moon is in retrograde this week, which means you should lay off the Viagra.  I don’t want any more trouble like you had last year in the Fillmore District.  Understand?  That’s my policy.  Do you think it’s easy cleaning up after sheep and midgets?  Your lucky number is 16.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your moon is not in retrograde this week so beware of Taurus’s with sheep.  They do not have your best interests at heart.  Speaking of heart you will die this week of a massive coronary.  Your embarrassed relatives will have a difficult time explaining why you died in a brothel surrounded by clowns.   An autopsy will reveal that you died of custard pie poisoning after a clown hit you in the face with one.  Your lucky number is seven.

Cancer (June 12 – July 22)

Congratulations!  You are finally eligible for parole.  Normally you’d have a good chance of parole since the morals charge you were convicted of is now legal in 43 states.  However be on your guard.  There is a Taurus on the parole board.  He is mean.  He is nasty.  His moon is in retrograde and he’s into sheep and midgets.  Your lucky number is 24.  Not that it’ll do you much good in the jail shower.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Why there is a zodiac sign named after Bowery Boy Leo Gorcey escapes me.  Like Leo Gorcey you will die of liver failure one day before your 52nd birthday.  On the bright side this week you will get that promotion you always wanted.  On the down side, unable to cope with the pressure of your new position you will shoot your boss.  On the bright side he is a Taurus.  On the down side you are now legally responsible for his sheep and midgets.  Your lucky number is oh who gives shit anyway?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Borrowing $100,000 from the Russian mob was probably not your brightest idea.  To pay it off you will mail a letter to your local newspaper saying “I will enjoy killing one person every day until you pay me 100,000 dollars.  If you agree say so tomorrow morning in a personal column in the San Francisco Chronicle.  Signed Scorpio. I mean Virgo.”  The paper will respond with “Dear Virgo.  We’ll give $200,000 to kill a Taurus.”  You will not see this however as you will have died the night before in a tragic accident involving Britney Spears, a garbage disposal unit and Mike Ditka.  Your body will be buried with midgets and sheep.  You have no lucky number.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Due to budget cuts and as part of Washington’s efforts to bring down the debt the zodiac sign of Libra has been discontinued.  All existing Libras shall be rolled into other zodiac signs. The other zodiac signs will welcome you.  Except for Taurus however, who will stab you in the groin while shouting “Stay away from my midgets!’  You are bad at math so even if you had a lucky number you wouldn’t understand it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

In this economic climate you may need to take on more work than you would otherwise consider. This means you will have to upgrade your DSL connection so more people can see your pay-per-view web cam of you massaging Noxzema onto your penis while Peter Lemongello sings and touches your nipples.  You obviously are a sick twisted puppy.  Why anyone would let Peter Lemongello touch their nipples is beyond me.  Is he a Taurus?  In a related note because of the Noxzema your penis smells like disinfectant.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

I know what you are thinking.  Did I fire six shots or only five?  Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself.  But being as this is a .44 Magnum,  the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question:  “Do you feel lucky?  Well, do you punk?”  Your lucky number is Pi.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Mars, the planet of motivation, has a strong effect on you and will help you get your personal affairs in order.  This is a good thing seeing as you have exhausted all your appeals and the electric chair awaits. You will request steak for your final meal.  However due to budget cuts you will be served an Irish Meat Pie.  Before your execution Peter Lemongello will touch your nipples. Your last conscious thought as electricity courses through your body will be “I didn’t even know Peter Lemongello was a Taurus.”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

In business some things are best left unsaid.  Which is why it probably wasn’t a good idea to tell your boss that you are banging his daughter.  Especially as his daughter is 16.  And a boy.  You will be fired.  However you will soon get a new job replacing Pete Best in the Pete Best band. You will leave that job to become Peter Lemongello’s personal nipple toucher. Your lucky number is …..oh yeah, that’s the spot.  Right there.  Oh yeah.  You’re good.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

After ten days on the run the police will finally corner you in a barn in northern Virginia.  The barn will be set on fire and you will be shot trying to escape.  Your last words will be “Useless.  Useless.”  However a reporter on the scene will mishear your last words which will be reach the papers as “Is there anything more useless than a Taurus?” Angry Taurus’s will picket your funeral.  Sheep will defecate on your grave.  Your grieving widow will make a porn flick with a midget.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

When it concerns Cupid, don’t sit back and let someone else make all the moves.  Be proactive.  This explains your taser burns.  You will spend most of your week on your hands and knees coughing and gasping for air from the mace.  Because of the mace your eyes will be burning and shut.  You will not be able to see who is touching your nipples but you suspect it is Peter Lemongello.  Your lucky number is 0.

(472)

There are many side stories surrounding the death of Bin Laden (Was he smoking at the time of his death? What was playing on his iPod? Beatles? Perry Como? Why did he have the entire Flying Nun DVD collection?) Perhaps the most surprising is the umbrage that Native Americans (formerly known by the offensive and derogatory term “Indians“) took over the code name Geronimo being assigned to Bin Laden.

Said one prominent native American:

For many moons white man speak with forked tongue.  White man take us from our lands. Many moons we wander.  Lose track of happy hunting grounds.  Totem pole sad.  Rain dance not work.  Hey-ya hey-ya hey-ya hi-ya hi-ya hi-ya.

Note:  The native American in question actually said none of that. He emailed me an eloquent plea against stereotyping his race.  But I decided to use the “many moons” quote because it’s so cool in the westerns.  I love westerns.  Well, except the ones where the merciless Indian savages win.

Aware of the firestorm created by use of the Geronimo code name the CIA has decided to use a new code name in its hunt for Ayman al-Zawahiri, who after Bin Laden’s death has inherited the number one position in Al Qaeda.

According to CIA director Leon Panetta, al-Zawahiri has been given a code name that “will not offend.”

After much research and discussion with other agencies and representatives of the native American community we have decided to give al-Zawahiri the code name of “Definitely not a native American.”  We feel that this name shows the respect we hold for the native American community.  Besides, who wants to get those red bastards angry?  I mean the last thing I want is to be scalped by one of those savages.  What?  What do you mean my microphone is still on?  I don’t know how to work this damn thing.  It’s not my normal mic but I had to return that one to accounting.  I mean Jesus what a bunch of goddamn Indian givers.

In keeping with the CIA’s new sensitive code-naming convention, in the future all Al Qaeda leaders yet to be located will be given one of three code names:

1. Medicine Man;
2. Fire Stick; or
3. Pete Best

“That ought to keep the bastards happy” said Panetta.  “They had more demands but I bought them off with some booze.  Fire water I think they call it.”

(717)