Manhattan Infidel Presents: Your Horoscope

The zodiac signs for those who want to knowIn my desire to give my readers valuable information that will better their lives, I now present your horoscope.  Legal disclaimer:  Manhattan Infidel is not a licensed “horoscoper.”  He claims no knowledge of the future.  His predictions might not come true.  Manhattan Infidel cannot be held legally responsible for any injuries or deaths that may result from anyone following his advice.  Manhattan Infidel would also like to take this opportunity to ask Olivia Wilde If I am lying may this woman show up in my bedroomto please give him a call.  I will forget about the tasering if you can forget about me disguising myself as a plumber and installing a web cam in your shower.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your moon is in retrograde this week, which means you should lay off the Viagra.  I don’t want any more trouble like you had last year in the Fillmore District.  Understand?  That’s my policy.  Do you think it’s easy cleaning up after sheep and midgets?  Your lucky number is 16.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your moon is not in retrograde this week so beware of Taurus’s with sheep.  They do not have your best interests at heart.  Speaking of heart you will die this week of a massive coronary.  Your embarrassed relatives will have a difficult time explaining why you died in a brothel surrounded by clowns.   An autopsy will reveal that you died of custard pie poisoning after a clown hit you in the face with one.  Your lucky number is seven.

Cancer (June 12 – July 22)

Congratulations!  You are finally eligible for parole.  Normally you’d have a good chance of parole since the morals charge you were convicted of is now legal in 43 states.  However be on your guard.  There is a Taurus on the parole board.  He is mean.  He is nasty.  His moon is in retrograde and he’s into sheep and midgets.  Your lucky number is 24.  Not that it’ll do you much good in the jail shower.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Why there is a zodiac sign named after Bowery Boy Leo Gorcey escapes me.  Like Leo Gorcey you will die of liver failure one day before your 52nd birthday.  On the bright side this week you will get that promotion you always wanted.  On the down side, unable to cope with the pressure of your new position you will shoot your boss.  On the bright side he is a Taurus.  On the down side you are now legally responsible for his sheep and midgets.  Your lucky number is oh who gives shit anyway?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Borrowing $100,000 from the Russian mob was probably not your brightest idea.  To pay it off you will mail a letter to your local newspaper saying “I will enjoy killing one person every day until you pay me 100,000 dollars.  If you agree say so tomorrow morning in a personal column in the San Francisco Chronicle.  Signed Scorpio. I mean Virgo.”  The paper will respond with “Dear Virgo.  We’ll give $200,000 to kill a Taurus.”  You will not see this however as you will have died the night before in a tragic accident involving Britney Spears, a garbage disposal unit and Mike Ditka.  Your body will be buried with midgets and sheep.  You have no lucky number.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Due to budget cuts and as part of Washington’s efforts to bring down the debt the zodiac sign of Libra has been discontinued.  All existing Libras shall be rolled into other zodiac signs. The other zodiac signs will welcome you.  Except for Taurus however, who will stab you in the groin while shouting “Stay away from my midgets!’  You are bad at math so even if you had a lucky number you wouldn’t understand it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

In this economic climate you may need to take on more work than you would otherwise consider. This means you will have to upgrade your DSL connection so more people can see your pay-per-view web cam of you massaging Noxzema onto your penis while Peter Lemongello sings and touches your nipples.  You obviously are a sick twisted puppy.  Why anyone would let Peter Lemongello touch their nipples is beyond me.  Is he a Taurus?  In a related note because of the Noxzema your penis smells like disinfectant.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

I know what you are thinking.  Did I fire six shots or only five?  Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself.  But being as this is a .44 Magnum,  the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question:  “Do you feel lucky?  Well, do you punk?”  Your lucky number is Pi.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Mars, the planet of motivation, has a strong effect on you and will help you get your personal affairs in order.  This is a good thing seeing as you have exhausted all your appeals and the electric chair awaits. You will request steak for your final meal.  However due to budget cuts you will be served an Irish Meat Pie.  Before your execution Peter Lemongello will touch your nipples. Your last conscious thought as electricity courses through your body will be “I didn’t even know Peter Lemongello was a Taurus.”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

In business some things are best left unsaid.  Which is why it probably wasn’t a good idea to tell your boss that you are banging his daughter.  Especially as his daughter is 16.  And a boy.  You will be fired.  However you will soon get a new job replacing Pete Best in the Pete Best band. You will leave that job to become Peter Lemongello’s personal nipple toucher. Your lucky number is …..oh yeah, that’s the spot.  Right there.  Oh yeah.  You’re good.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

After ten days on the run the police will finally corner you in a barn in northern Virginia.  The barn will be set on fire and you will be shot trying to escape.  Your last words will be “Useless.  Useless.”  However a reporter on the scene will mishear your last words which will be reach the papers as “Is there anything more useless than a Taurus?” Angry Taurus’s will picket your funeral.  Sheep will defecate on your grave.  Your grieving widow will make a porn flick with a midget.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

When it concerns Cupid, don’t sit back and let someone else make all the moves.  Be proactive.  This explains your taser burns.  You will spend most of your week on your hands and knees coughing and gasping for air from the mace.  Because of the mace your eyes will be burning and shut.  You will not be able to see who is touching your nipples but you suspect it is Peter Lemongello.  Your lucky number is 0.


5 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    I would be a Taurus if I did believe in horrorscopes. But I don’t. However, I do believe in midgets and sheep.

  2. Dude everyone knows midgets and sheep are imaginary, like unicorns or the Hoover Dam.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn. Nice to meet a fellow believer

    Shamus: Doubter! Why do you doubt the existence of midgets and sheep? Evidence of their existence is all around you.

  4. John Carey says:

    Sucks to be a Taurus…wait a minute I’m a Taurus…

  5. Matt says:

    I’m a Libra, and I now know why I can’t do that damn addition thinger on this blog. I think it’s discriminatory. Stop the hate man, stop the hate!

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