Nine Americans Dead in Kabul Shootout; Motive Remains a Mystery

It’s the fault of Wall Street!!!Eight American soldier and a contractor were killed during a shootout at the Kabul Airport in Afghanistan.

Ahmad Gul, who was being trained by the U.S. for the nascent Afghan security force opened fire in the middle of a meeting.  Sources say that Gul was deeply depressed and shouted “Allah Akbar” as he fired.  His brother told reporters that Gul was heavily in debt and was having financial problems.

David Petraeus, general in charge of forces in Afghanistan urged calm and asked people not to jump to conclusions.

We don’t know why we did this, frankly.  I don’t know what Allah Akbar means but I think that means ‘Oh God I’ve maxed out my credit cards.’  This shooting, while tragic, in no way detracts from the fact that the Afghanis are our allies and are committed to an inclusive, tolerant Democracy.  As long as we don’t bring any bibles into the country that is.

When word of the shooting reached Washington, President Obama immediately held a press conference.  Bemoaning the charged political rhetoric of Republicans, Obama urged caution.

This shooting, while tragic, is an isolated incident.  Okay it’s the seventh tragic isolated incident this year.  But this in no way means that our Afghan allies are not committed to defeating the Taliban and creating a modern, tolerant, inclusive democracy.  I am aware that this shooter, who was tragically killed in the incident shouted ‘Allah Akbar.’  Now these two words can mean many things but I’m sure we can all agree that the shooting was the fault of greedy Wall Street executives. This shooter was apparently heavily in debt.  Being a noble Muslim he didn’t understand ruthless American capitalism and snapped. I would ask Republicans to refrain from trying to use this for partisan political gain.

President Obama then expressed his sympathies to the families of the soldiers that were killed in the regrettable and isolated incident.  As for the contractor, Obama told reporters that “He got what he deserved.  He was only there to make money anyway and was no doubt working with the criminals on Wall Street.” 

Afghan President Hamid Karzai expressed regret over the incident and stated that is in no way will affect the relationship between the two allies, “as long as the U.S. understands that we want them out as soon as possible so the Taliban can take over.  I miss my opium money!”

As expected, Sarah Palin denied any responsibility for the shooting.  Not that anybody believes her.



6 Responses

  1. Does Afghanistan have any redeeming qualities? I can’t think of one.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Afghanistan? Redeeming qualities? Remember, it’s the liberal’s “noble” war as opposed to the invasion of Iraq.

  3. “As expected, Sarah Palin denied any responsibility for the shooting. Not that anybody believes her.”

    God, how do people put up with Sarah Palin? She’s from Alaska. And she has a funny accent. And Tina Fey made fun of her.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: I know! Palin’s so…so….American!

    Thank god we have our dear leader President Obama to show Europe that some of us be intelligent.

  5. Greg says:

    Getting Osama should put an end to all this…

  6. MK says:

    “I would ask Republicans to refrain from trying to use this for partisan political gain.”

    What! No calls for polite civil discourse from his opponents?

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