Tragedy struck today as the Pacific Princess, piloted by Captain Merrill Stubing went down in the Pacific, killing 1500 on board.  Initial reports indicate the the Pacific Princess, cruising in the vicinity of Hawaii’s Big Island, hit an iceberg.  Authorities are still trying to determine how the ship hit an iceberg in tropical waters.

Shortly after 11:40 PM local time an urgent Morse code message was received from the Pacific Princess:

Collision with iceberg.  Taking on water.  Send help. Bartender refuses to go down with ship.

Despite the Coast Guard sending out helicopters the ship could not be saved.  All that was initially found were a few deck chairs.  The Pacific Princess had no lifeboats on board.  Said a friend of Captain Stubing:

Merrill was very concerned that their were no lifeboats.  He told me it was another example of what he called ruthless corporate cost-cutting.  He often petitioned to get lifeboats.  As he told me, ‘Lifeboats are a great place to have sex with passengers.  I mean, come on.  It’s a cruise line!’

Despite the official story of a collision with an iceberg many suspect foul play in the ship’s sinking.  Captain Stubing, Gopher, Doc and Isaac the bartender all served together in Vietnam.  Some believe they were involved in the My Lai massacre and that the sinking was revenge.

Still  others believe that the ship’s doctor (pictured here) who lost his license for sleeping with his patients and was about to be arrested might have somehow brought the ship down to hide an escape.

The cruise director of the Pacific Princess, Julie McCoy was also under investigation for allegedly running a cocaine ring from the ship.  Emails from McCoy to a syndicate on land often speak of “getting more blow” and “Passengers need blow.”  The FBI allegedly was ready to arrest McCoy when the ship docked.

As for the ship’s purser Burl “Gopher” Smith he was a Republican which naturally made him a highly suspicious character on board the Pacific Princess.  Said one crew mate anonymously:

We were trying to get our freak on and he comes along talking about family values.  We all hated him.

So it seems that the truth behind the Pacific Princess’s sinking will have to await further investigation.  Currently undersea robots are mapping the wreckage, which lies broken in two on the bottom of the Pacific.

There is however some good news.  There was one survivor.  The ship’s bartender Isaac Washington was found floating on an inflatable raft not far from the ship’s last known location.

When picked up by the Coast Guard a wet and shivering Washington said:

Whitey wants me to go down with ship.  I say chump go down with ship!

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