Tragedy on High Seas: Love Boat Sinks!

Iceberg dead ahead!Tragedy struck today as the Pacific Princess, piloted by Captain Merrill Stubing went down in the Pacific, killing 1500 on board.  Initial reports indicate the the Pacific Princess, cruising in the vicinity of Hawaii’s Big Island, hit an iceberg.  Authorities are still trying to determine how the ship hit an iceberg in tropical waters.

Shortly after 11:40 PM local time an urgent Morse code message was received from the Pacific Princess:

Collision with iceberg.  Taking on water.  Send help. Bartender refuses to go down with ship.

Despite the Coast Guard sending out helicopters the ship could not be saved.  All that was initially found were a few deck chairs.  The Pacific Princess had no lifeboats on board.  Said a friend of Captain Stubing:

Merrill was very concerned that their were no lifeboats.  He told me it was another example of what he called ruthless corporate cost-cutting.  He often petitioned to get lifeboats.  As he told me, ‘Lifeboats are a great place to have sex with passengers.  I mean, come on.  It’s a cruise line!’

Despite the official story of a collision with an iceberg many suspect foul play in the ship’s sinking.  Captain Stubing, Gopher, Doc and Isaac the bartender all served together in Vietnam.  Some believe they were involved in the My Lai massacre and that the sinking was revenge.

Still  others believe that the ship’s doctor (pictured here) Take your clothes off dearwho lost his license for sleeping with his patients and was about to be arrested might have somehow brought the ship down to hide an escape.

The cruise director of the Pacific Princess, Julie McCoy You want some blow? was also under investigation for allegedly running a cocaine ring from the ship.  Emails from McCoy to a syndicate on land often speak of “getting more blow” and “Passengers need blow.”  The FBI allegedly was ready to arrest McCoy when the ship docked.

As for the ship’s purser Burl “Gopher” Smith family values! he was a Republican which naturally made him a highly suspicious character on board the Pacific Princess.  Said one crew mate anonymously:

We were trying to get our freak on and he comes along talking about family values.  We all hated him.

So it seems that the truth behind the Pacific Princess’s sinking will have to await further investigation.  Currently undersea robots are mapping the wreckage, which lies broken in two on the bottom of the Pacific.

There is however some good news.  There was one survivor.  The ship’s bartender Isaac Washington I aint working for whitey no mo! was found floating on an inflatable raft not far from the ship’s last known location.

When picked up by the Coast Guard a wet and shivering Washington said:

Whitey wants me to go down with ship.  I say chump go down with ship!

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9 Responses

  1. I always knew Isaac was the smart one on board the Love Boat, and not just because he could make a smooth Jack-n-Coke.

  2. innominatus says:

    Having trouble believing that the doc was getting any.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Actually the smartest ones on the love boat were the hollywood stars who never guested on it.

    Inn: well, not consensually anyway. that’s why doc had all those date rape drugs on board.

  4. McCoy should have helped the Captain come up with a better excuse than an iceberg. That is just shameful.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: The official story of a collision with an iceberg will not survive the investigation.

  6. MK says:

    Love boat ey, was celine dion on board?

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK: No report of mass suicides which her voice is know to provoke so I doubt it.

  8. Very nice post, Thanks for this publishing. Really help me a lot.

  9. Dr. Lawrence says:

    Seems Stubing was blinded…not an iceberg…….GOATS !!!!! A whole huge herd of goats in big puffy white coats.
    The “Goat Boat” did not sink……it tipped over…apparently all the passengers rushed to the port side to see a dolphin hopping in and outta the water.
    Shame I say…Damn Shame.

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