I’m out and I’m proud

Chewbacca, arguably the most famous wookie in the universe, put to rest today rumors about himself by announcing that he is gay.

“Throughout my life I have grappled with my own identity” began Chewbacca’s statement.

As a young wookie I often felt ambivalent about myself.  In fact, confused.  By virtue of wookie traditions I worked hard to ensure that I was accepted as part of the traditional wookie family.  From my early days in school until the present day I acknowledged some feelings, a certain sense that separated me from others.  But thinking I was doing the right thing I forced what I thought was an acceptable reality onto myself.  In this, the 30th year of my life it is arguably too late to ask what an acceptable reality is or to have this discussion.  At a point in every wookie’s life one has to look deeply into the mirror of one’s soul and decide one’s unique truth in the universe.

And so my truth is that I am a gay wookie.  I realize the fact of my sexuality if kept secret leaves me and the resistance in the Rebel Alliance vulnerable so I am removing that threat and resigning my position in the resistance.  Let me be clear.  I accept full responsibility for my actions.  I am very proud of the things we have accomplished during my fight for the Alliance and I want to thank humbly the citizens of the Alliance for the privilege of fighting for them. Thank you.

The news of Chewbacca’s sexuality and resignation sent shock waves throughout the Rebel Alliance.  Close friend and collaborator Hans Solo said:

Hey, come on. Cut me some slack.  I don’t know anything about that.  I’ve spent the past year encased in a carbonite freezing chamber.  I’m not exactly what you would call ‘in the loop.’

As for Chewbacca he appears happy now that the burden of his identity is off his shoulders.  He told reporters that he goes antiquing every weekend with “the love of his life” Luke Skywalker (pictured here.)

I am a sensitive fighter for the rebel alliance.

“I knew the moment I first saw him I was in love with him.  He’s so sensitive and he’s in touch with his emotions” said Chewbacca.  “I’ve been able to help him come to terms with losing his hand.”

Princess Leia could not be reached for comment and is reportedly in seclusion to “digest the news.”

“What the hell am I going to do with my metal bikini now?” she told an aide.

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The Dalai Lama the leader of the Yellow Hat branch of Tibetan Buddhism shocked his devoted followers today by announcing that “all things being equal I’m only in it for the women.”

I mean, what do you expect?  I have a really boring job.  How many times can you travel around the world and shake the Pope’s hand before you start drinking heavily?   I really have no responsibilities.  I’m just a figure head.  So why not embrace the perks?  And women are one of the perks.

The Dalai Lama’s decision to open up about his private life sheds light on one of the world’s open secrets:  His ravenous sexual appetite.

Many women who have met the Dalai Lama to receive spiritual counseling have been surprised instead by an invitation to an assignation.  Said one woman:

I was  thrilled to meet him.  I admire his stance on peace and economic justice.  I was expecting a blessing or some spiritual wisdom.  Instead he looked at me and said ‘So honey, ever done the rusty trombone with a beloved spiritual figure?’  I was shocked.  I didn’t know what to say.  I muttered something about having another appointment and left him there.

Not content with propositioning women he meets on his travels, the Dalai Lama also cruises the internet using the chat name “Robe_Warrior_75.”  The following is a transcript from one of his chat sessions:

Cheerleader_Prom Queen:  Why no, I’ve never played the trombone before.  Is it hard?

Robe_Warrior_75:  You sound hot

Cheerleader_Prom Queen:  Thank.  You’re so sweet.

Robe_Warrior_75:  So you like sweet things?  I have something sweet for you honey.

Cheerleader_Prom Queen:  Oh my god.  Is that….is that your testicle?

Robe_Warrior_75:  One of them.

Cheerleader_Prom Queen:  Um, I have to go.  My mom’s calling me. 

On another occasion the Dalai Lama told a reporter about his choice of attire:

Why do you think I always were robes?  No fussing with belts or pulling pants off.  Just lift up your robe and sweet bliss.

Because of his sexual appetite many around the Dalai Lama are trying to steer him in other directions.  Said one of his personal assistants:

Maybe we can get him to go to school.  Learn a trade.  Anything to give him something to do.  That way he won’t have so much time on his hands.  Hold on.  I’m getting a text from the Dalai Lama.  What the…..is that his testicle?   Anyway what was I saying?  Oh yes.  Vocational school.  Maybe he can learn Excel.

The Dalai Lama has not responded to repeated requests for an interview in conjunction with this article.

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Popular sportswriter Oscar Madison was arrested today for the murder of his live-in lover, photographer (portraits a specialty) Felix Unger.

Unger’s ex-wife Gloria became concerned when he would not return phone calls and informed the police that she thought he might be in trouble.

I knew something was wrong.  It wasn’t like Felix not to return my phone calls.  He was very considerate that way.  Look, I’m not saying it was easy losing the man I love to another man but if that was his lifestyle choice then so be it.  It’s just that Madison was wrong for him.  They had an unhealthy relationship.  Felix would often call me to complain that Madison wouldn’t pick up after himself, was an all around slob and wouldn’t give him reach arounds. I knew it was only a matter of time before he erupted into violence.

When police arrived at the apartment the two shared they found a crime scene that shocked even hardened veteran detectives.  Unger lay on the floor face down in a pool of blood with his pants around his ankles, the victim of multiple stab wounds.  A substance had also been poured into Unger’s anus which the NYPD lab identified as beer.  Before he died Unger had traced in blood the following words:

Oh Oscar Oscar Oscar!

Detectives at the scene were amazed that a dying man would write his killer’s name with his own blood.

“It was the exclamation point that really impressed us” said one.

Simultaneously with the discovery of Unger’s body, Madison had turned himself in to an old friend and NYPD officer Murray the Cop.

Madison then proceeded to give a full confession, recounting how he “snapped” and grabbed a knife to kill Unger.

He was my soul mate and I killed him.  I guess I loved him too much.  I just couldn’t take his nagging any longer.

A memorial service for Unger will be held Saturday afternoon.

Unger’s ex-wife has asked that in lieu of flowers friends remember him by cleaning.

“It’s what Felix would have wanted.”

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For almost 40 years, the so-called “Fantasy Island’, a resort community for the rich located in the Pacific Ocean was a top destination.  But no more.  Mr. Roarke, sole owner and proprietor of Fantasy Island has decided to close up shop.

“It’s just gotten to expensive” said Roarke during an interview on CNBC.  “The maintenance costs, complying with state and Federal regulations, providing health care to employees.  Hell, do you know how much it costs to get a tuxedo custom made for a midget?  You don’t just buy one off the rack!”

Profits for Fantasy Island have sharply decreased over the years to the point where Roarke was barely breaking even.  Analysts think that the rise of the internet doomed Fantasy Island.

“Once the pimply kid down the block could get a text message of a naked cheerleader why bother with the expense of going to Fantasy Island” said one.

Changing tastes also doomed the Island.  The rich, who for years were the backbone of Roarke’s business started going elsewhere.  Roarke adapted by trying to lure the middle class with “cut-rate fantasies.”   The problem?  The runway for the Island had to be enlarged so that 747s could land.

“The Fed put the kibosh on that” says Roarke bitterly.  “Turns out the area just beyond the old runway is a Federally protected wetland.   I mean god forbid the Smelt fish or whatever the f#$% they want to protect died off.”

Several planes during landing also had close calls with the Island’s native geese population.

“I got used to hearing my assistant Tattoo saying  ‘de plane, de plane.  Eet izz smoking!’ “ said Roarke.

Roarke tried shooting the geese but only succeeded in raising the ire of animal rights groups.

“I had PETA boycott me.  They would stand on the runway holding signs that said ‘Roarke lied.  Geese died.’  I mean, that stuff is a wet blanket for potential customers.”

The final straw was when he was ordered to hire more minorities.

“I already have a midget.  A French midget.  What do they want me to do?  Find a French lesbian midget with carpal tunnel syndrome?”

As for the future of Fantasy Island, Roarke has one word:  Condos!

“I’m paving over the whole damn Island and building condominiums.  Screw the Smelt fish.”

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