Rapture Postponed

What?  What the hell do you mean it’s been postponed?The rapture, which was scheduled for May 21st, has been postponed.  The Archangel Michael, CEO of Heaven Inc. made the announcement during a press conference this afternoon.

What can I say?  Of course I’m disappointed.  But we didn’t have all our ducks lined up.   The logistics of the rapture are daunting to say the least.  And it’s expensive too.  Like everyone else Heaven has been affected by the economic crisis.  We made some bad investments. Fred Wilpon called me up and said ‘Try investing with Bernie Madoff.  He’s got a great track record.’  That was our rapture fund.  Never getting that money back.

Those who were looking forward to the rapture will instead be issued rain checks “good for a future rapture or half price for dinner for two at Arby’s.”

The news that the rapture has been postponed until an as of yet unspecified future date brought strong reactions from the faithful, many of whom had invested their life savings promoting the apocalypse.

“I postponed my trip to Disney world because I thought the 21st was the end of the world.  Now I found out it isn’t? So instead of paradise you’re telling me I have nothing to look forward to on Saturday but doing laundry and passing out with a bottle of Jack?” asked one disappointed man.  “I should have invested in the zombie apocalypse instead.”

The events leading up to today’s announcement included much behind-the-scenes fighting and tension between competing factions in Heaven, some of whom favored going through with the original rapture date.

In the end it was decided to postpone the rapture rather than risk stretching to the breaking point Heaven’s already tenuous finances.  Said Michael:

Many of us have had to take second jobs just to make ends meet.  Bartending, driving a taxi.  I myself am a valet car parker.  It sucks you know.  Rick folk are bad tippers.  I hope Madoff never gets out of jail.

As for the future date of the rapture Michael will not say when that will be.

We haven’t officially postponed it indefinitely but we’ve decided not to have it until the Cubs win the world series.  Oh what the hell, yeah, it’s been postponed indefinitely.

This is the second black eye for Heaven the past year.

“I never should have promised closure on Lost” said Michael.  “I still have no idea what the hell the island was.”


7 Responses

  1. innominatus says:


    Looks like another decade of decadence for this kid!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: All I know is the rapture had better not happen this weekend because the Yankees are playing the Mets and I’m looking forward to a Yankee sweep.

  3. When I was confirmed, I chose Michael as my confirmation name. I think it was because I randomly picked up Revelations that very week, and was therefore into the whole Archangel thing in the moment. (Plus Michael Kessler was an unusually good left-handed shortstop in Little Leage. I think I would have had ten more hits if not for him) St. Michael seems to have let me down here. No Archangel would postpone any fight for any reason, ever.

    “Because the Only Good Progressive is a Failed Progressive”

  4. Matt says:

    Man, if we have to wait for the Cubbies, we might as well plan to live in floating cities and consume a great new product called Soylent Green.

  5. John Carey says:

    The cubs? We’re going to be waiting for a long time…

  6. Greg says:

    Will Bernie Madoff be raptured?

  7. eots says:

    It’s nice to read something that doesn’t get me even more worked up about the Middle East.

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