Chewbacca Confirms Rumors: Yes, I’m Gay!

I'm out and I'm proud

I’m out and I’m proud

Chewbacca, arguably the most famous wookie in the universe, put to rest today rumors about himself by announcing that he is gay.

“Throughout my life I have grappled with my own identity” began Chewbacca’s statement.

As a young wookie I often felt ambivalent about myself.  In fact, confused.  By virtue of wookie traditions I worked hard to ensure that I was accepted as part of the traditional wookie family.  From my early days in school until the present day I acknowledged some feelings, a certain sense that separated me from others.  But thinking I was doing the right thing I forced what I thought was an acceptable reality onto myself.  In this, the 30th year of my life it is arguably too late to ask what an acceptable reality is or to have this discussion.  At a point in every wookie’s life one has to look deeply into the mirror of one’s soul and decide one’s unique truth in the universe.

And so my truth is that I am a gay wookie.  I realize the fact of my sexuality if kept secret leaves me and the resistance in the Rebel Alliance vulnerable so I am removing that threat and resigning my position in the resistance.  Let me be clear.  I accept full responsibility for my actions.  I am very proud of the things we have accomplished during my fight for the Alliance and I want to thank humbly the citizens of the Alliance for the privilege of fighting for them. Thank you.

The news of Chewbacca’s sexuality and resignation sent shock waves throughout the Rebel Alliance.  Close friend and collaborator Hans Solo said:

Hey, come on. Cut me some slack.  I don’t know anything about that.  I’ve spent the past year encased in a carbonite freezing chamber.  I’m not exactly what you would call ‘in the loop.’

As for Chewbacca he appears happy now that the burden of his identity is off his shoulders.  He told reporters that he goes antiquing every weekend with “the love of his life” Luke Skywalker (pictured here.)

I am a sensitive fighter for the rebel alliance.

I am a sensitive fighter for the rebel alliance.

“I knew the moment I first saw him I was in love with him.  He’s so sensitive and he’s in touch with his emotions” said Chewbacca.  “I’ve been able to help him come to terms with losing his hand.

Princess Leia could not be reached for comment and is reportedly in seclusion to “digest the news.

“What the hell am I going to do with my metal bikini now?” she told an aide.

(1067)

9 Responses

  1. I read somewhere that Luke goes both ways. so Princess Leia might want to hang onto that metal bikini.

  2. Does Chewie consider himself a ‘bear’?

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Well, if Princess Leia ever wants to drop by my place with her metal bikini I’d sure appreciate it.

    Shamus: I’m not going to imply anything but I hear that Chewbacca is close friends with Leonardo DiCaprio.

  4. Matt says:

    Meeetal bikini….(drools)

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: If Princess Leia were on Twitter I’d definitely do an Anthony Weiner on her.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: Chewie is a trail blazer.

  7. MK says:

    So he resigned his position from the alliance, well at least he didn’t weasel around to lead from the back. 🙂

  8. Cara says:

    His poor wife and son… I mean, here he was coming home as often as he could to spend time with her and everything, and the whole time… oh wait. Fail. You just completely ignored his back, current, and future storylines.

    Go pick on Yoda.

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