“Basketball, hockey and track meets are action heaped upon action, climax upon climax, until the onlooker’s responses are deadened.  Baseball is for the leisurely afternoons of Summer and for the unchanging dreams” ~ Roger Kahn

Today I went to see the Yankees play an afternoon matinee against division rivals the Toronto “We are Canadian, eh?” Blue Jays.  The Yankees started Freddy Garcia (3-4 3.26 ERA) while Toronto countered with Jo-Jo “Haven’t won a start in 28 games” Reyes (0-4 4.70 ERA.)

I was worried about Garcia who hasn’t looked sharp as of late.  My fears intensified when on the first pitch of the game he gave up a triple to Yunel Escobar.  However, Garcia settled down after that and got out of the first without giving up a run.

In the bottom of the first, after a lead off double by Derek “3000 hits?  Try 3000 women” Jeter, Curtis Granderson doubled him home.

1-0 Yankees after one.

In the bottom of the second Jo-Jo Reyes, after walking Russell Martin, served up a golf ball to Andrew “Never done steroids…cough cough” Jones who homered to deep left center

3-0 Yankees after two.

In the bottom of the third, after giving up a double to Curtis Granderson Mark Teixeira homered to left field.  Jo-Jo Reyes was mercifully pulled at this point.

5-0 Yankees after three.

In the top of the sixth Toronto finally got on the board.  After a double by Corey Patterson, Juan Rivera singled him home.

5-1 Yankees after 5 1/2.

In the bottom of the sixth after a walk to Nick Swisher, Andrew “Like I said before I have never used steroids” Jones hit his second home run of the game, this one into the black in deep center field.

7-1 Yankees after six.

In the top of the seventh after Aaron Hill singled Eric Thames doubled him home. Thames later scored on a Jayson Nix ground out.

7-3 Yankees after seven.  And that was the final score.

Freddy Garcia pitched 6 1/3 strong innings giving up eight hits while striking out four.  David Robertson finished the seventh while Joba Chamberlain pitched the eighth and Mariano Rivera pitched the ninth. (This version of the bullpen will have to last seeing as Rafael Soriano is out for at least two months.  Another nice pick up for the Yankees.)

Notes on the game:

Yankee killer Jose Bautista was thankfully silent, managing only a single in today’s game.

Today’s game marked Mariano River’s 1000 appearance.  While 14 other pitchers have done this Rivera is the only one to do it entirely with one team.

Like Rivera, I also recently had a milestone involving the number 1000:  I was recently turned down by the 1000th woman I hit on in a bar.  Maybe it’s my pick up line:

Don’t worry honey.  My dermatologist says it’s not contagious and I have plenty of disinfectant back at my place.  So, shall I penetrate you?

I always say baseball doesn’t really count until Memorial Day.  Well, with Memorial Day fast approaching how do the Yankees stand up?

The standing show the Yankees in first place in the A.L. East with a 27-21 record, having won seven out of their last ten.  They are a half game ahead of the abomination of desolation (otherwise known as the Bahstahn Red Sawks.) The A.L. East is pretty tight at the moment with only 3 1/2 games separating the Yankees from my pick to win the division the Baltimore Orioles.  Yeah, that’s right.  I picked the Orioles.  And I’m standing by my decision no matter how foolish it makes me look.

But how long can they stay in first?  This team is old.  The left side of our infield remembers voting for Taft in 1908.  Our DH is angry.  Very angry.  And can’t hit.   Our starting pitching is barely getting along.  Offensively the Yankees haven’t been firing on all cylinders for the entire year. They can’t move runners over.  They rely too much on the long ball.  I don’t think this team can win the division.  Of course I could be wrong, like the time I wrote all major networks, “Hey, give Don Rickles another show.  The man is ratings gold!”

A curious incident happened between the sixth and seventh innings when a helicopter dropped this couch   onto the field.  Immediately it was set upon by our angry DH Jorge Posada (pictured here) who attacked the helpless couch shouting, “This couch makes me angry.  Very angry indeed!”  I have no explanation as to the significance of the couch or why it makes Jorge very angry.  If my readers have any ideas please let me know.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “You are an evil man.  God how I hate you.” 

Wow M.B.  You sound cranky.  Perhaps your sofa isn’t comfortable? Perhaps not as comfortable as this fine model? 

L.K. of New Jersey writes “I really enjoy killing homeless people and storing the bodies in my crawl space.  Um, I mean go Yankees!”

I always like to hear from Yankee fans.  No explanation necessary.

D.B. of Philadelphia PA writes, “Our Phillies couldn’t score in a whore house.  What the hell happened?  We were supposed to be unbeatable!”

You see D.B., the Phillies have lots of injuries.  And God hates you.

And so my record stands at 4-0 this year.  My next game is Saturday June 11th against the tough Cleveland Indians.

Go Yankees!

(451)