Popular Sportswriter Held in Slaying of Gay Lover

I couldn’t take his nagging any longer!Popular sportswriter Oscar Madison was arrested today for the murder of his live-in lover, photographer (portraits a specialty) Felix Unger. Oh Oscar Oscar Oscar!

Unger’s ex-wife Gloria became concerned when he would not return phone calls and informed the police that she thought he might be in trouble.

I knew something was wrong.  It wasn’t like Felix not to return my phone calls.  He was very considerate that way.  Look, I’m not saying it was easy losing the man I love to another man but if that was his lifestyle choice then so be it.  It’s just that Madison was wrong for him.  They had an unhealthy relationship.  Felix would often call me to complain that Madison wouldn’t pick up after himself, was an all around slob and wouldn’t give him reach arounds. I knew it was only a matter of time before he erupted into violence.

When police arrived at the apartment the two shared they found a crime scene that shocked even hardened veteran detectives.  Unger lay on the floor face down in a pool of blood with his pants around his ankles, the victim of multiple stab wounds.  A substance had also been poured into Unger’s anus which the NYPD lab identified as beer.  Before he died Unger had traced in blood the following words:

Oh Oscar Oscar Oscar!

Detectives at the scene were amazed that a dying man would write his killer’s name with his own blood.

“It was the exclamation point that really impressed us” said one.

Simultaneously with the discovery of Unger’s body, Madison had turned himself in to an old friend and NYPD officer Murray the Cop. Murray the cop (last name unknown)

Madison then proceeded to give a full confession, recounting how he “snapped” and grabbed a knife to kill Unger.

He was my soul mate and I killed him.  I guess I loved him too much.  I just couldn’t take his nagging any longer.

A memorial service for Unger will be held Saturday afternoon.

Unger’s ex-wife has asked that in lieu of flowers friends remember him by cleaning.

“It’s what Felix would have wanted.”


6 Responses

  1. I’m only surprised that Oscar didn’t kill that twit years ago.

  2. Beer: Is there nothing it can’t do?

  3. innominatus says:

    This post makes me want to hold my forehead and make a honking sound.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: He finally snapped.

    Shamus: beer can do anything (except get me Olivia Wilde)

    Inn: Oh Inn, Inn, Inn!!

  5. MK says:

    “It was the exclamation point that really impressed us”

    Imagine he put two. LOL

  6. Aurelius says:

    Holy crap, this is one of the funniest articles I’ve read in a little while. The, “Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar” part made me laugh out loud. Very nice job, MI

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