For almost 40 years, the so-called “Fantasy Island’, a resort community for the rich located in the Pacific Ocean was a top destination. But no more. Mr. Roarke, sole owner and proprietor of Fantasy Island has decided to close up shop.
“It’s just gotten to expensive” said Roarke during an interview on CNBC. “The maintenance costs, complying with state and Federal regulations, providing health care to employees. Hell, do you know how much it costs to get a tuxedo custom made for a midget? You don’t just buy one off the rack!”
Profits for Fantasy Island have sharply decreased over the years to the point where Roarke was barely breaking even. Analysts think that the rise of the internet doomed Fantasy Island.
“Once the pimply kid down the block could get a text message of a naked cheerleader why bother with the expense of going to Fantasy Island” said one.
Changing tastes also doomed the Island. The rich, who for years were the backbone of Roarke’s business started going elsewhere. Roarke adapted by trying to lure the middle class with “cut-rate fantasies.” The problem? The runway for the Island had to be enlarged so that 747s could land.
“The Fed put the kibosh on that” says Roarke bitterly. “Turns out the area just beyond the old runway is a Federally protected wetland. I mean god forbid the Smelt fish or whatever the f#$% they want to protect died off.”
Several planes during landing also had close calls with the Island’s native geese population.
“I got used to hearing my assistant Tattoo saying ‘de plane, de plane. Eet izz smoking!’ “ said Roarke.
Roarke tried shooting the geese but only succeeded in raising the ire of animal rights groups.
“I had PETA boycott me. They would stand on the runway holding signs that said ‘Roarke lied. Geese died.’ I mean, that stuff is a wet blanket for potential customers.”
The final straw was when he was ordered to hire more minorities.
“I already have a midget. A French midget. What do they want me to do? Find a French lesbian midget with carpal tunnel syndrome?”
As for the future of Fantasy Island, Roarke has one word: Condos!
“I’m paving over the whole damn Island and building condominiums. Screw the Smelt fish.”
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As the interview with Mr. Roarke was concluding, I thought a faint echoing scream…as if buried in an asteroid…’KHHHHAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!!’
I’m sure I just imagined it.
Sick of protecting stupid animals. Put some cyanide or mercury or whatever in the smelt and feed ’em to the Spotted Owls. If a species can’t adapt, screw ’em.
Except baby seals. They’re kinda cute.
Shamus: Nothing is beyond the power of Roarke!
Inn: Baby seals are cute. And you know what? They are delicious too!
Condos? trust me. The government will find a way to screw that ideaa too.
Jim: You’re probably right. The government will probably force him to install low-flow toilets making the entire Island smell like sewage.
“I mean god forbid the Smelt fish or whatever the f#$% they want to protect died off.”
We feel his pain, @#$%ing greenies and leftist scum, always in the way of progress.