In wake of the burgeoning Operation Fast and Furious scandal President Obama today accepted the resignation of his attorney General Eric Holder.

In accepting Holder’s resignation, President Obama praised his former Attorney General for his many contributions but also acknowledged that it was time to go in a new direction.  Said the President:

It is time to go beyond petty partisan politics.  The bickering between the parties has paralyzed Washington.  This is why I have chosen Sergeant Schultz to be my next Attorney General.   Sergeant Schultz is an outsider with no political ax to grind.  He is a successful businessman, running Germany’s most successful toy factory, The Schatzi Toy Company.  He also has a background in law enforcement.  As a guard at Stalag 13 not one inmate escaped…… and didn’t come back.

Sergeant and Attorney General designate Schultz was then introduced to the press, who as might have been expected had many questions about Fast and Furious.

“Will those responsible for border patrol agent Brian Terry’s death be brought to justice?” asked one reporter.

“How can letting guns get into the hands of known criminals advance law enforcement interests” asked another.

Perhaps flustered by the barrage of questions, Schultz put down his Krag-Jorgensen rifle, which ended up in the hands of Anderson Cooper.

“Cooper give me back my gun.  Or I’ll shoot!” screamed Schultz.  Before giving back the gun however Cooper managed to fatally wound Norah O’Donnell.

After O’Donnell’s body was removed the questioning of the new Attorney General continued.

Clearly out of his element, a confused Schultz could only mutter “I see NOTHING!  I know NOTHING!”

“Are you telling me that you know absolutely nothing.  You have no knowledge of firearms being sold to Mexican cartels?” asked Cooper.  “And I just shot Norah O’Donnell.  Today I am a man.”

As Schultz continued to stammer about seeing nothing, President Obama said to an aide, “See why I love this guy.  Plausible deniability.”

Schultz’s nomination is expected to be approved by Congress.

Norah O’Donnell’s family has vowed revenge against Anderson Cooper.

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The Environmental Shakedown Protection Agency has ordered New York City to place a concrete containment dome over all of its upstate reservoirs.

“The EPA requires that all water be enclosed after it is treated and decontaminated” said EPA administrator Lisa Jackson. “Rules are rules.  And New York City must comply. You have a nice water supply here. Shame if something were to happen to it.”

In a miracle of engineering New York City currently has two active water tunnels and is building a third.  These tunnels bring fresh water from reservoirs in upstate New York, bypassing the need to use drinking water from the Hudson River.  New York’s drinking water is clean and pure.  Still, the Environmental Shakedown Protection Agency is demanding that the City spend an estimated 1.6 billion to build the containment domes.  This will raise water rates 4%, after rates have already climbed 91% since 2006.

According to the Environmental Shakedown Protection Agency the concrete domes will protect the water from bird droppings which can bring cryptosporidum into the supply, causing diarrhea in humans.

“This dome will prevent possibly 365,000 cases of cryptosporidiosis a year” said Jackson.

The City Health Department, meanwhile, in a city of 12 million reported only 100 cases of cryptosporidiosis last year.  New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg blamed the diarrhea on conservatives.

They probably gave themselves diarrhea on purpose.  No doubt they are disgruntled and unhappy over the new healthcare reform law.  This was their protest.  Though actually it is an act of diarrhea terrorism.

Mayor Bloomberg has ordered all registered Republicans within city limits to appear at designated health stations where they will have their anuses inspected and cleaned if necessary.

Why do Republicans feel the need to defecate?  I haven’t gone in weeks.  Neither have any of my progressive friends.  

The Environmental Shakedown Protection Agency has ordered all birds that may fly over city reservoirs to also be fitted with a concrete containment dome and has given the birds 90 days to comply or face fines.

“It’s just a first step.  But an important first step” said Jackson.

Once all birds have complied the EPA plans to place a containment dome over the entire United States.

“Some may say this is unnecessary.  Some may say I am mad.  Well, I’m not mad.  I’m Batman” declared Jackson.

A spokesbird for the bird community vows to fight the new regulations.

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Dateline:  April 13, 2023.

Displaying an unprecedented degree of impatience with its foremost debtor, The People’s Republic of China issued a statement today saying that the “United States must follow the directives that we want” or face the full “military might of China.”

With the debt of the United States hovering at 90 percent of its GNP, unemployment at 17% for the second straight decade and the dollar now trading at .02 cents China said it must act now to protect its investment.

“We cannot continue buying worthless U.S. dollars” said a source in the Chinese government.  “The U.S. must be held accountable.”

Foremost among the changes demanded by China:  The United States Constitution will be suspended.  In place of the current government a Chinese overseer will be appointed by Beijing.   This overseer’s primary task will be to make sure that the U.S. debt is reduced.

Also, the outmoded system of  capitalism that flourished in the United States will be replaced by centralized economic planning from Beijing.

With the Chinese Fleet stationed off the West Coast and with the U.S. military mothballed to help pay for Obamacare, the U.S. has no choice but to submit.

“It’s going to be painful” said President Michelle Obama.  “But Americans have to stop being so selfish.  Perhaps if Americans ate healthier foods this would never have happened.”

Already many pro-government stations are lauding the takeover.  On MSNBC Joe Scarborough, host of “Morning Joe” talked about the many benefits of Chinese rule.

Scarborough:  You have to look at what China has accomplished.

Mika Brzezinski:  Americans are stupid.

Scarborough:  I mean, the beauty, the purity of the Chinese system.  It’s a marvel.  One man rule is the way to go.

Mika Brzezinski:  I was in a red state once.  My god, I never saw so many sloped foreheads.

Scarborough:  And I want to remind the Chinese that as a popular television personality I can be most useful rounding up my fellow Americans to work in the underground Chinese salt mines. Yes, I know Kent Brockman said that but I think it’s worth repeating.

China will begin implementing the takeover next week and expects to be in direct control of the United States for no more than “a couple of decades.  Perhaps a century.”

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President Obama met today with congressional leaders as the latest round of negotiations into increasing the country’s debt limit extended into the evening.

The meeting started normally enough with President Obama welcoming congressional leaders to the oval office.  House Majority Leader Eric Cantor then complained that the cuts that were agreed to last week had shrunk and that spending was still increasing.

Enraged, President Obama stood up and shouted “Eat your peas!  Eat your peas!  I am an adult and you must eat your peas!”

Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, misunderstanding the President replied that “I have many people in my district who like peeing on their partners.  And it’s a beautiful example of the tolerance and multiculturalism in a largely Democratic district.”

Speaker of the House John Boehner then asked the President if he had a serious counter proposal to the Republican’s desire to cut spending significantly before an increase in the debt ceiling could be approved.

President Obama shouted at Boehner to “shut up or I’ll freeze you.”   Turning to Minority Leader Pelosi Obama continued, “He (Boehner) has a mean look.  I prefer happy looks.”

Becoming more agitated, President Obama began pacing up and down the office.  At one point he gestured towards the Republicans and said, “I can make you all go away!  Anytime I want to!”

Boehner then reminded the President of the Republican majority in the House, saying “Mr. President there are a million things in this universe you can have and a million things you can’t have.  It’s no fun facing that. But that’s the way things are.”

Clearly enraged by Boehner’s insubordination President Obama called him “Mr. Ears.”

“I’ll make you all go away if you’re not nice to me!”

Tensions increased and were in fact in danger of breaking out into physical violence when First Lady Michelle Obama entered the Oval Office and apologized for her husband’s behavior.

He is in many ways still new at being human.  I gave him power so that he could live.  He will use it – always.  And he will destroy you, or you will be forced to destroy him.  Come Barry.  It’s time for you to go.

President Obama began to panic, asking congressional leaders to help him.

She’s not like us.  She doesn’t feel.  I…..I…..I wanna stay…..stay…..stay….stay…stay.

President and Mrs. Obama then disappeared in front of the shocked Congressional committee.

The negotiations will continue tomorrow with Vice President Biden representing the Administration.

“I hate ceilings.  Sometimes I jump up and down and hit my head.  I get sad when my head hurts” said the Vice President.

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