Yankees Win Again; Cranky Old Blogger Gets Home Before Midnight

“You throw the ball.  You catch the ball.  You hit the ball.  Sometimes you win.  Sometimes you lose.  Sometimes it rains” ~ Bull Durham

And the tarp comes off the field no thanks to the unwashed hippie Mariners

So after sitting out a two-hour rain delay the Yankees took the field shortly after 9 PM to face the Seattle “Sorry we brought our hippie raining leftist cappuccino swilling anti-capitalist weather with us” Mariners.

The Yankees started Freddy Garcia (9-7 3.23) while Seattle, losers of 16 in a row started Jason “Sacrificial lamb” Vargas (6-9 4.09 ERA).

It didn’t take long for the Yankees to make Seattle its bitch.  In the bottom of the first Mark “I have no soul” Teixeira hit a two run home run.  2-0 Yankees after one.  And Mark, you realize you have no soul? Satan owns it.  Just look into his vacant eyes and you will see that I am right. This man has no soul All I can say is Mark, keep hitting home runs and I won’t care about your lack of a soul.  I’m just an open minded person.

In the top of the third baseball’s bitches got a run back when Ichiro “washed up” Suzuki hit a sacrifice fly to deep center, scoring Justin Smoak.  The Yankees scored in the bottom of the third when Derek “Also washed up but has Minka Kelly to console him” Jeter hit his fourth home run of the year.  3-1 Yankees after three.

The Yankees broke it open scoring five runs in the bottom of the fourth.  Now how did those runs score?  Unfortunately since it was raining pretty heavily when I arrived at the stadium and I wasn’t sure if the game was going to be played I decided to forgo the ten dollars to buy a program to keep score.  Suffice to say it was 8-1 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the sixth the Yankees tacked on another run when Curtis Granderson hit a sac fly to deep center scoring Brett Gardner.  9-1 Yankees after six.

Baseball’s bitches got a run back in the top of the seven and eighth and the Yankees countered in the bottom of the eight when Derek “I have Minka Kelly so suck it” Jeter tripled home Eduardo Nunez.  Final Score:  Yankees 10 Bitches 3.

In  handing Seattle their 16th straight loss Freddy Garcia pitched 7 2/3 innings allowing eight hits and three runs while walking one and striking out five.  Seattle starter Jason Vargas lasted only four innings giving up seven hits and eight runs while walking one and striking out two and giving up two home runs.

Notes on the game:

This week at Yankees stadium is HOPE week where the Yankees take special cases and treat them to a game and donate to their charity.  Today’s HOPE case was a man who suffered brain damage but was brought out of a coma through music being played in his hospital room.  He and several others with similar injuries sang the national anthem.

It was a beautiful, heartwarming moment.

Yes, they sucked.  Beautiful heartwarming moment or not I was hoping they would get gonged off.  Or that Gene Gene the Dancing machine It’s Gene Gene the dancing machine! would come out to take the focus off of them.  For those of you under the age of 40 who have no idea who Gene Gene the Dancing machine is you have missed the pinnacle of western civilization.

With all the Yankees injuries why do they keep winning?  Simple.  God is a Yankee fan.  You shall love the Yankees with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind.  Satan took the Red Sawks, the Mets and all teams (except for the Giants) that play west of the Mississippi.

During the two hour rain delay I had a chance to sample Yankee stadium cuisine.  The dumplings were very good.  The chicken tenders were about as tender as Mickey Rourke’s liver.

Today in Yankee history:

July 25th 1961. A badly hungover Mickey Mantle refuses to sign an autograph for a 10-year old, calling him a “goddamn cocksucker.”  The crying kid was then kicked in the groin by Yankee manager Ralph Houk.

Joba Chamberlain weight-gain watch:  As everyone knows, our hefty righty Joba Chamberlain Joba will eat you is out for the season with Tommy John surgery.  When asked how his is recuperating Chamberlain announced that his rehab is on schedule.  Then he ate a reporter.

Recommended reading material:  The Collected Poems of Langton Hughes.  Arnold Rampersad, editor.

Reader mail:

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “I am considered an intellectual, love books and am interested in writing for your blog.  Would you like a photo of me dressed in my French maid outfit?”

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn also writes, “What the hell did I tell you about putting words in my mouth?  I’ve warned you before but you don’t listen.  That’s right. Hear that?  It’s the sound of your front door being broken off its hinges.  Hide in the bathroom. Are you going to escape through that tiny bathroom window?  I don’t think so. I have guns. I have crossbows.  I have a knife between my teeth.  See that tank parked in the street?  That’s mine.  You are so going down!”

If any of my readers would like to call 911 I would much appreciate it.  Please.  Thank you.

So this year my record stands at an amazing 10-0 at Yankee games.  I would like to take all the credit but I believe the players deserve some.  And let’s not forget the groupies who service the players between innings.

My next Yankee game is……oh hell I’m too tired to look it up now.  I’m a cranky old man and I hate everything except Matlock.  Ooooh, he’s on now!

Go Yankees!

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7 Comments

7 Responses

  1. Freddy Garcia might not cut it in the play-offs, but he can beat the hell out of the AL’s tomato cans.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Both Garcia and Colon have lasted farther into the season than I expected (though Colon should never leave the pitcher’s mound thus avoiding injury to his 97 year old body).

    Hopefully they can last two more months. If not we always have Ivan Nova.

  3. Mickey Rourke still has a liver?

  4. Matt says:

    I believe that Mickey Rourke’s liver had been replaced with a medium sized rock.

  5. CC almost had himself a gem.

    Damn.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    That damn rain delay did him in.

  7. Such wonderful review very thorough and informative. What are your reviewing next.

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