Holder Out as Attorney General: Master Sergeant Hans George Schultz Named Successor

I know nothing!  Nothing!In wake of the burgeoning Operation Fast and Furious scandal President Obama today accepted the resignation of his attorney General Eric Holder.

In accepting Holder’s resignation, President Obama praised his former Attorney General for his many contributions but also acknowledged that it was time to go in a new direction.  Said the President:

It is time to go beyond petty partisan politics.  The bickering between the parties has paralyzed Washington.  This is why I have chosen Sergeant Schultz to be my next Attorney General.   Sergeant Schultz is an outsider with no political ax to grind.  He is a successful businessman, running Germany’s most successful toy factory, The Schatzi Toy Company.  He also has a background in law enforcement.  As a guard at Stalag 13 not one inmate escaped…… and didn’t come back.

Sergeant and Attorney General designate Schultz was then introduced to the press, who as might have been expected had many questions about Fast and Furious.

“Will those responsible for border patrol agent Brian Terry’s death be brought to justice?” asked one reporter.

“How can letting guns get into the hands of known criminals advance law enforcement interests” asked another.

Perhaps flustered by the barrage of questions, Schultz put down his Krag-Jorgensen rifle, which ended up in the hands of Anderson Cooper.

“Cooper give me back my gun.  Or I’ll shoot!” screamed Schultz.  Before giving back the gun however Cooper managed to fatally wound Norah O’Donnell.

After O’Donnell’s body was removed the questioning of the new Attorney General continued.

Clearly out of his element, a confused Schultz could only mutter “I see NOTHING!  I know NOTHING!

“Are you telling me that you know absolutely nothing.  You have no knowledge of firearms being sold to Mexican cartels?” asked Cooper.  “And I just shot Norah O’Donnell.  Today I am a man.”

As Schultz continued to stammer about seeing nothing, President Obama said to an aide, “See why I love this guy.  Plausible deniability.”

Schultz’s nomination is expected to be approved by Congress.

Norah O’Donnell’s family has vowed revenge against Anderson Cooper.



7 Responses

  1. With Co. Klink as Sec. of Defense ans Sgt. Schultz as head of DOJ, what could possibly go wrong?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: What could go wrong? Nothing! NOTHING!!!

  3. Please let Hilda be Secretary of Health and Blogger Servicing.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Hilda would I believe make an excellent secretary of Blogger Servicing.

  5. Matt says:

    “Norah O’Donnell’s family has vowed revenge against Anderson Cooper.”

    You mean there were people in America who had not vowed revenge against Anderson Cooper?

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Well now that you mention it that is a good point. As far as I know everyone has vowed revenge against Anderson Cooper.

  7. I often ignore readers who comment only to glorify the well-written, but I had to point it out

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