An Important Message from the Zombie Anti-Defamation League

Peace loving zombies cross the Brooklyn Bridge to go clubbingGood Afternoon.  As the President of the Zombie Anti-Defamation league I would like to take this opportunity to say a few words on behalf of all zombies.

First off, let me say that we love living in America.  This country has been very good to zombies.  Why, two of our own have even been elected to your highest office.  One of them even had the honor of not being impeached.

Having said that, there recently has been an upswing in violence directed towards the undead by the un-undead.  For this I blame Hollywood.  Your entertainment industry has consistently spread lies about our community.  For instance:

  • Zombies do not eat human brains (at least not without good cause.)

Most of us are vegetarians.  Vegans actually.  We like gardening and crossword puzzles.  So next time you see a zombie do not be afraid.  Your brain is safe.  As a matter of fact, according to the Zombie Code of Conduct there are only certain, specific enumerated cases where we can eat the brains of the un-undead.  And as Americans we all know that if you enumerate powers those powers cannot grow or be abused.  I will now give you an example of these enumerated powers:

Zombies love KFC double downs.  It’s our favorite snack.  Let’s say a zombie is sitting on his backyard patio relaxing on a Saturday afternoon, sipping a Corona and eating a double down. His phone rings and he goes to answer it.  He comes back and his snacks are gone.  He then sees you across the street licking your greasy un-undead fingers.  Well, presumption of innocence be damned.  We’re eating your brain. Also, don’t say anything bad about Bob Marley.  Zombies love Bob Marley.  If you disrespect the man, we will eat your brain.

While I have the opportunity to address you let me say a few words about the movie Zombieland.  It was an enjoyable comedy.  But it is a work of fiction!   Especially this “double tap” nonsense.  How would you like it if you were on a date with the undead woman of your dreams and this punk un-undead teenager with a shotgun shoots you in the chest.  Not once, but twice?  You know what?  Screw enumerated powers.  If you’re a teenager we’re eating your brain.  It’s a question of undead survival.

So let me just finish by saying that I hope for greater understanding and tolerance between the undead and the un-undead communities.  We all have to live together.  And we can all agree on the true enemy:  Werewolves.  And the French.


8 Responses

  1. Otis P. Driftwood says:

    I have no idea about how to comment on this except that it is hilarious. French Werewolves – who’da thunk?

  2. Karen Howes says:

    Well, I feel better now, and look forward to better understand between the undead and un-undead cultures.

    And I agree with the French.

  3. Well, I concur with the zombies. If an un-undead disrespects Bob Marley, they should have their brains eaten if they have any brains.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Thank you mr. driftwood.

    KH: Tolerance is what it’s all about: Multiculturalism. We in the un-undead community must not be triumphalist about our values.

    Jim: We in the un-undead community can agree with the undeads that Marley is great.

  5. Matt says:

    Here, I thought this was going to be about all about my comparisons between progressives and zombies. Apparently, they missed that.

    Will they eat King Shamus’s brain in order to get his double-downs?

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Are you implying Shamus stole double downs belong to a zombie? In that case definitely they would eat his brain.

    However, it King Shamus was eating double downs that he paid for they will probably be content with roughing him up.

  7. MK says:

    “He then sees you across the street licking your greasy un-undead fingers. Well, presumption of innocence be damned.”

    I can’t blame zombies for that, seriously somebody steals my double-downs, and hot lead and cold steel is heading their way.

    “So let me just finish by saying that I hope for greater understanding and tolerance between the undead and the un-undead communities.”

    I’d go as far as to call on liberal racists and bigots to demonstrate their acceptance by having a zombie live with them and off them.

  8. Great points you make here, agree with just about everything.

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