Price of Bacon Soars!

Pay up, bitch!

Pay up, bitch!

The Department of Agriculture announced today that because of a sharp rise in corn prices, Bacon is expected to be “dramatically more expensive” this summer.

With the announcement consumers have begun cutting back on their Bacon usage.

“I used to have Kevin Bacon cut my lawn once a week.  He was cheap.  Ten dollars was all it cost” said one person.  “But now I don’t know.  The economy’s bad and I’m struggling to make ends meet. If Bacon gets more expensive I’ll have to mow it myself even though I have a bad back.”

All along this row of houses former neatly manicured lawns have been growing wild as owners are forced to choose between not mowing their lawn or paying extra for Bacon.

“The last time I had Bacon mow my lawn I gave him his usual ten dollars and he said ‘Sorry, price has gone up’ and he asked for 25.  I told him I couldn’t afford that and that’s when he shrugged and said ‘What can I do.  Homie loves corn’ “ said one anguished home owner.  “It’s a shame.  He was so good at mowing my lawn.”

One elderly woman caught unawares by the rise in Bacon prices used to have Kevin Bacon carry her groceries from her car to the kitchen every week.

“He only wanted five dollars and he was such a nice young man.  But last week he asked for $15.  When I said I didn’t have it he threw my groceries to the ground and punched me in the face.  I’m an old woman. Was that appropriate?”

Another man laments, “I used to have Bacon work on my car.  I just don’t have the time.  I used to give him $50.  But yesterday he told me he was going to charge $200.  I just don’t have that kind of  money.  I told him that.  So he took the alternator and beat my cat to death with it. I mean I know we all have to make a living but come on!”

When asked to respond to complaints that the rise in his prices will have a negative effect on the average American Kevin Bacon had this to say: “Look if you want my services, and I provide top-notch professional services, you’re going to have to pay.  Look, don’t blame me.  Blame the corn producers.”

He then crushed a small child to death with his bare hands.

“I get cranky when I don’t have my corn.”


8 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    How much does he charge to go kill terrorists? The risk of Death by Bacon would scare the muzzies into good behavior.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: You’re forgetting Bacon works in Hollywood. Probably has the utmost respect for the Religion of Peace.

  3. Bacon always keeps his pimp hand strong, no matter what the price.

  4. Otis P. Driftwood says:

    The rising cost of Bacon sends Tremors down my spine.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Bacon delivers!

    Otis: Isn’t that just like Hollywood? It’s always the little guy who gets screwed.

  6. Just tell the twit you know Oscar and he will mow your lawn for free.

  7. Matt says:

    It sounds like Bacon is his own union goon. Makes excessive demands-get’s violent when he’s told “no.”

  8. MK says:

    There i was thinking the bacon was going up because of cap and trade. Out here the verminous left are now angling to impose a tax on farting cows, pigs and other animals will be next.

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