Pain in the Ass Sullivan Ballou Ruins it for All Men

Pain in the ass Sullivan BallouPain in the ass lawyer and major in the 2nd Rhode Island infantry, Sullivan Ballou officially ruined it for all men by writing a letter home to his wife.  The effects of this notorious letter are still being felt today.

A week before the first Battle of Bull Run Ballou wrote a letter (“The Letter”) home to his wife.  The Letter speaks of his desire to be with her:

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break……..the memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long.

and his fear that he might not return:

If I do not return, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield it will whisper your name…….But O Sarah!  if the dead can come back to this Earth and flit unseen around those they loved I shall always be with you in the brightest day and the darkest night.

Immediately after Ballou’s death officers of the 2nd Rhode Island, worried about its possible effect on their wives back home, buried it under six feet of concrete.

“If our wives find out about this letter they’ll want us all to write like this” said one officer.  “I mean I write home to my wife too, but I talk about the dysentery in camp and how things are shooting out of my butt I never saw before.”

Ensconced under concrete the letter was safely forgotten for 130 years until pain in the ass film maker Ken Burns resurrected it in his Civil War film for PBS.  As feared, the effects were devastating.  Divorce rose.  Men reported an increase in violence directed towards them by their wives.  Wives started asking their husbands to write poetry.

According to one man who spoke after his wife had thrown him out of their home, “I tried.  God knows I tried but there are only so many words that rhyme with Nantucket.”

Another man complained that he was writing poetry but that his efforts displeased his wife.  “You want poetry?  How about this:


Roses are red

violets are blue.

Have dinner ready for me when I get home. 

Something I like. 

And when you finish doing the dishes

you know what I want.

Because of this there is a drive in Congress to have any mention of Sullivan Ballou’s letter punishable by a fine and/or jail time.

“It’s all about male survival” said a member of congress.  “And why were on the subject, we’re looking at you too Ken Burns.”

The bill is expected to pass both houses of congress with little opposition.


8 Responses

  1. My God…Ken Burns really is the devil.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: there is evil and there is Ken burns. Evil pales in comparis

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    -on. See he’s even affecting my comments.

  4. “I tried. God knows I tried but there are only so many words that rhyme with Nantucket.”

    Still laughing!!!

  5. Greg says:

    What do women expect from us anyway? Oh fuck it rhymes with Nantucket.

  6. I once loved a lady
    She was from Nantucket
    I asked her to marry me
    She said, “Oh, fuck it.”


    Hat tip to Greg and MI.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: thanks.

    Greg, Shamus:

    Nantucket and fuck it do in fact rhyme. Great minds think alike!

  8. MK says:

    I hope somebody has already @#$%ed up this burns bastard.

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