Pain in the Ass Migrant Family Terrorizes Midwest

Pain in the ass lying migrant workersAuthorities in several states from Oklahoma to Arizona are currently searching for a family of migrant workers called “The Joads” who have created a swathe of terror in their wake.

“They’re no good.  That’s what they are” declared one sheriff.  “Why else would they travel along old route 66 when there are modern freeways?  They’re trying to hide from the authorities.”

The eldest son, Tom Joad, has a long criminal record and was recently released from jail.  In addition Ma and Pa Joad may be drug addicts.  It also appears that they have deliberately damaged the environment, at one point stopping along the side of the road to bury their grandfather.  Said a local law enforcement authority:

We don’t know how the poor bastard died but it’s got to be suspicious.  They just buried the poor guy next to the road and, get this, ripped out a page from a bible and wrote on it, “Not a homicide” and pinned it to the body.  Jesus, what sick freaks are these people?

The Joads are allegedly farmers but authorities believe they are actually grifters.

I asked them where their farm was.  They couldn’t say.  No one ever saw them doing any sort of manual labor.  I asked them if they grew peaches.  They said, “Dunno.  Is it Jewish?”

The Joads also offended locals by bringing with them an ex-preacher named Jim Casy Pain in the ass commie who had no residence and claimed to have “lost the spirit.”

We’re pretty conservative people around here.  Religious too.  And this Casy fella comes along claiming God is dead and that the future is Communism and that we should spread the wealth.  You can imagine he wasn’t very popular.  We don’t like taxmen around here.  It’s no wonder he was killed by a mob.  And you know what?  I don’t blame people.  I’d would have liked to redistribute his ass too if you know what I mean.

It was during the scuffle that killed Casy that Tom Joad killed a security guard.

He’s on our most wanted list now. He shouldn’t be hard to find.  He has a scar on his cheek and he looks a lot like Henry Fonda. Cop killer Tom Joad You know that guard he killed was an off-duty cop who was moonlighting to make ends meet. He had a family.  I hope Joad gets the chair for this.

Eluding capture and taunting police Joad released a statement that said he was going to dedicate his life to “social justice“:

I’ll be all around in the dark.  I’ll be everywhere.  Wherever you can look, wherever there’s a fight, so hungry people can eat.  I’ll be there.  Wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there.  I’ll be there in the way guys yell when they are mad.  I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry and they know supper’s ready, and when the people are eatin’ the stuff they raise and livin’ in the houses the build.  I’ll be there too.

“I mean, Jesus.  Have you ever read anything more pompous?  It’s like he works for MSNBC or something.”

Authorities are asking citizens to call police immediately if they spot Tom Joad.


12 Responses

  1. That thar fella bess get his fanny to Cakifornicate reall soon or he could fall prey to lead poisoning. It’s real common in them thar parts.

  2. Thank you and bless you, Infidel.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Trouble’s ‘abrewn

    Shamus: I’ve never been a fan of Steinbeck.

  4. Infidel: Me neither. I thought “TGOW” was really boring. In high school I gave up on it about 1/3 of the way through and just bullshitted on the test. I guess I suck at 20th Century American Lit, but whatever.

  5. innominatus says:

    Of all the crap I had to read in school, I managed to avoid Steinbeck. Did not manage to avoid Vonnegut, however. Gack.

  6. Otis P. Driftwood says:

    We read The Grapes Of Wrath in 11th grade and Macbeth in 12th. William was a far better writer than John.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus, Inn, Otis:

    ……we can all agree that Steinbeck was crap. Vonnegut too. And Vonnegut was all the rage when I was in school.

    That’s why no one reads. Most of the crap we had to read in school sucked. Most of it.

    I do like Hemingway. Mostly because I’m stoooopid and he uses short words.

  8. Matt says:

    He’s getting a show on MSNBC in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Tonight on Countdown with Tom Joad: The evil capitalists. Why can’t we just take their money!

  10. Mark says:

    I’m going to re-read Atlas Shrugged (for the billionth time) now to cleans myself.

  11. eots says:

    Never read TGOW. I pretty much settled on non-fiction a decade or so ago, although I still read Russian poetry. From time to time a parody like this one makes me feel like I need to read up on American literature to be culturally literate and all.

  12. MK says:

    Where are the ‘dead or alive’ posters. Has a shoot-on-sight order been issued?

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