Hollywood Files for Divorce from America

We have grown apart from AmericaHollywood, long synonymous with America and American culture announced today that it intends to file for divorce.

“This has been a long time coming” said Hollywood. “We’ve grown apart.  We no longer share the same values.  America and I have nothing in common.  Hell, we don’t even like each other anymore.”

As part of the divorce settlement Hollywood is asking for custody of the mansions, private jets and high-flow toilets.

Insiders say that one source of friction between Hollywood and America was that Americans stopped going to the anti-American propaganda movies that Hollywood insisting on making.  Said an anonymous source:

Hollywood was frankly shocked and confused. They were used to having America follow it wherever they went.  But America seemed to be going in another direction.

Another source blames Hollywood’s fear of contamination at the hands of those with sloping foreheads.

Look, Hollywood is enlightened.  It is compassionate.  It is, shall we say, composed of the best and the brightest and Hollywood just didn’t like what it saw in middle-America:  Unwashed, stupid people with sloping foreheads who liked themselves and the country they lived in.  They worship something called “freedom” which is nothing more than the freedom to disobey the Government.  Freedom to turn their thermostats to a temperature they want.  Freedom to have more than one child.  Freedom to drive that child in an SUV – the vehicle of environmental terrorism.  Is it any wonder Hollywood would wish to separate itself from these people?

But perhaps the final break came with the visit of Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton.  Hollywood was naturally attracted to real royalty and began to wonder why America banned titles of nobility.

“These republican predilections of America can be too much to bear sometimes” said a patient and pained Hollywood.  “The belief that power comes from the people and not from the top down, well, that’s something Hollywood will never consent to.”

Still, Hollywood is not without mixed feelings.

“Look, America and I have been through a lot together and I will always remember the good times.  But she has not grown, she has not evolved politically and morally like I have.”

In the meantime until the divorce is finalized Hollywood will move to Vancouver, B.C.

“Canada has a Queen.  Canada has royalty and restrictions on speech that offends Muslims.  Now this is more in line with my values.”

America could not be reached for comment but apparently is not that upset with the breakup.  Said a friend, “American won’t even notice Hollywood is gone.  Frankly, for a long time now Hollywood has been a tempermental bitch.”


11 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    I’m gonna miss the drunken starlets puking on the Boulevard. The rest of it, not so much.

  2. I heard that the real story is that America asked for the divorce because it turns out that Hollywood is gay.

  3. Karen Howes says:

    It’s about time!

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: Those drunken starlets vomiting on the boulevard is one of the few things good about Hollywood.

    Jim: Could be.

    KH: It was a destructive relationship. America was very loyal but kept getting abused by Hollywood.

  5. Matt says:

    I think they should build their own planet orbiting Rosie O’Donnell.

  6. Matt–can we get Roseanne Barr to be the Death Star?

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt, Shamus: You’re forgetting about basic physics. Rosie has too large a mass to achieve orbit.

  8. eots says:

    Sounds like a no fault divorce.

  9. MK says:

    “America could not be reached for comment but apparently is not that upset with the breakup. ”

    Yep, good riddance to largely leftist trash.

  10. Mark says:

    They don’t have any beach front property, so fuck ’em.

  11. Sue says:

    Late-Breaking News: Hollywood to Give Custody of Michael Bay to America.

    In the increasingly nasty divorce between Hollywood and America, Hollywood struck a decisive blow by granting custody of director Michael Bay to America. “We think this is the best possible arrangement,” Hollywood’s lawyers said in a statement. “However, we’re keeping Shia LaBeouf despite the fact that his talent may have been sucked out of him after “Transporters: Dark Side of the Moon.” America could not be reached for comment.

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