EPA Goes After New York City's Water Supply

A typical New York City water reservoir, minus concrete containment domeThe Environmental Shakedown Protection Agency has ordered New York City to place a concrete containment dome over all of its upstate reservoirs.

“The EPA requires that all water be enclosed after it is treated and decontaminated” said EPA administrator Lisa Jackson. “Rules are rules.  And New York City must comply. You have a nice water supply here. Shame if something were to happen to it.”

In a miracle of engineering New York City currently has two active water tunnels and is building a third.  These tunnels bring fresh water from reservoirs in upstate New York, bypassing the need to use drinking water from the Hudson River.  New York’s drinking water is clean and pure.  Still, the Environmental Shakedown Protection Agency is demanding that the City spend an estimated 1.6 billion to build the containment domes.  This will raise water rates 4%, after rates have already climbed 91% since 2006.

According to the Environmental Shakedown Protection Agency the concrete domes will protect the water from bird droppings which can bring cryptosporidum into the supply, causing diarrhea in humans.

“This dome will prevent possibly 365,000 cases of cryptosporidiosis a year” said Jackson.

The City Health Department, meanwhile, in a city of 12 million reported only 100 cases of cryptosporidiosis last year.  New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg blamed the diarrhea on conservatives.

They probably gave themselves diarrhea on purpose.  No doubt they are disgruntled and unhappy over the new healthcare reform law.  This was their protest.  Though actually it is an act of diarrhea terrorism.

Mayor Bloomberg has ordered all registered Republicans within city limits to appear at designated health stations where they will have their anuses inspected and cleaned if necessary.

Why do Republicans feel the need to defecate?  I haven’t gone in weeks.  Neither have any of my progressive friends.  

The Environmental Shakedown Protection Agency has ordered all birds that may fly over city reservoirs to also be fitted with a concrete containment dome and has given the birds 90 days to comply or face fines.

“It’s just a first step.  But an important first step” said Jackson.

Once all birds have complied the EPA plans to place a containment dome over the entire United States.

“Some may say this is unnecessary.  Some may say I am mad.  Well, I’m not mad.  I’m Batman” declared Jackson.

A spokesbird for the bird community vows to fight the new regulations.



6 Responses

  1. Unfortunately, Hawkman was unavailable for comment.

  2. LSP says:

    I for one look forward to New York’s new avian overlords. Your city is domed!

  3. This has eery parallels to Stephen King’s “Under the Dome.”

  4. eots says:

    EPA… Another reason to dislike Nixon…

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Nixon: The original RHINO.

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