Ten Years Later

 The World Trade Center, Septembe 6th 2001

No jokes today.

The above photo was taken on Thursday September 6th 2001.  My father, brother and my brother’s girlfriend had come down to the city for the day.  I was originally going to take them to the World Trade Center but instead opted for the Empire State Building.  Not to worry I remember saying. There will always be another time to go to the World Trade Center.  Little did I know that five days later the towers would be gone.

September 11, 2001 was a warm late Summer day.  It was primary day in New York City and the Democratic candidates for mayor were out campaigning.  I had voted early that morning and then had plans to go upstate to visit my father and sister.  I arrived at Grand Central, bought my round trip ticket and sat back.  The train left at 8:48 AM.

As the train approached Yonkers one of the passengers told the car that a plane had hit the World Trade Center.  No further details.   Most of us didn’t think it was that serious.  It might have been a small prop plane.  So there wouldn’t be much damage.

A little further and we heard that there was an explosion at the other tower.  Perhaps a news helicopter had hit it.  At this point all we knew was that both towers were on fire but the extent of that fire no one knew.

Gradually the full horror of the day was revealed.

Both towers had been hit by passenger jets and were burning out of control.  The first thought on everyone’s mind was “who would do this?”  My first and only thought was “Muslims.”  Naturally, since this is New York, some passengers speculated that it was white militia groups.

About halfway through the ride the train stopped and the conductor came on.  I will never forget his words:

The Pentagon has been hit and they are evacuating the White House.  Both towers are burning out of control.  Do not attempt to get back to the city. All bridges and tunnels have been closed.

It was then that we knew that this was not just another ordinary day.

Shortly before the train arrived at my destination someone said, “They’re gone.  The Towers are gone.  They’ve collapsed!”

There was disbelief on the train. How do steel towers collapse?  (And the truther movement was probably born right there.)

When the train arrived at Poughkeepsie and I got out both towers had collapsed.  There was a panicky crowd at the ticket window asking about their loved ones and if any more trains would be coming north.  (As it turned out, none were.  I was on the last train out of New York City that day.)

I spent the night in Poughkeepsie and took a train back to New York on September 12th.

When I arrived in the city I was struck by two things.  How a normally bustling and busy city was quiet.  No businesses were open.  And also I remember the smell.  The entire island of Manhattan smelled like a giant electrical fire: Sour.  Sickly.

Manhattan was closed below 14th street. At 14th street I got angry for the first time. Not at the destruction but at the peace protesters.  They had hung “Give peace a chance” signs around a statue of George Washington and were strumming acoustic guitars.  Oh those wacky Democrats I thought to myself.

What happened that day makes me angry.  It still makes me angry.  To call Islam Medieval is an insult to the middle ages.  Islam is pre-medieval.  It is stone age.  It is barbaric.

Only gradually over the next two weeks was lower Manhattan opened in stages.  These are some of the pictures I took the weeks after 9/11.

Lower Manhattan after 9/11

The remains of the World Trade Center in the background:

Remains of World Trade Center

And again:

world-trade-center-1.JPG

Ground Zero:  (And if you close down the pussycat lounge you’re in trouble!)

Ground Zero


Ground Zero:

World Trade Center

Ground Zero:

World trade Center

Ground Zero:

world-trade-center-5.JPG

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In Rainy, Miserable North(West) East Yankees Lose to Baltimore

“I don’t want to play golf.  When I hit a ball I want someone else to go chase it” ~ Rogers Hornsby

yannkee-stadium.png

What’s more fun than a baseball game played in the cold, wind and rain?  Why an extra inning game played in cold, wind and rain.

Welcome to New York City. Twice as rainy as Seattle but with half the anarchists.

The day after the Yankees suffered through a four-hour rain delay to beat Baltimore they again took the field in rain for the final game of their three-game series.  The Yankees started A.J. “Head case. Pathetic.  Mediocre pitcher.  Can’t unload him because of his f##$* contract” Burnett (9-11 5.27) while Baltimore started Zach Britton (9-9 4.22 ERA.)

Since yesterday’s game ended around 2 AM the Yankees had their “D” team on the field.  Of the regular starters only Alex Rodriguez and Russell Martin (who did not play in last night’s game) and Nick Swisher were in the starting lineup.  The rest consisted of Brandon “who?” Laird at first, Ramiro Pena at second, Eduardo “Me see ball, me drop ball” at shortstop,  Andrew “never done steroids” Jones in left field and Greg “should choose another career” Golsen in center field.  Our DH was Jesus Montero.

I know it’s our “D” team but not to worry.  We can still beat the worst team in baseball can’t we?  (See:  A.J. Burnett as starting pitcher.)

Baltimore scored first in the top of the first when Nick Markakis grounded out to second allowing Matt Angle to score.  The Yankees took the lead briefly in the bottom of the first when Alex Rodriguez doubled home Russell Martin and Nick Swisher. 2-1 Yankees after one.

In the top of the second Kyle Hudson was safe on Brandon Laird’s fielding error.  This allowed Nolan Reimold to score.  Tie score after two.

In the top of the third Nolan Reimold hit a two-run home run to deep left. 4-2 Orioles after three.

In the bottom of the fourth Jesus “is my hero” Montero singled to deep right center scoring Rodriguez and Jones.  Tie score after four.

And that’s how the score stayed until the top of the 11th when Eduardo “whoops” Nunez botched a sure out.  This would come back to bite the Yankees as that runner (Matt Angle) later scored what would be the winning run on a Mark Reynolds single.

Final score:  Orioles 5 Yankees 4.  Pedro Strop (1-1 2.77) got the win for Baltimore while Hector “Please don’t attach my dead body to the back of your chariot and drag it around the walls of Troy for everyone to see” Noesi (2-1 3.42) was the losing pitcher for the Yankees.

And so ends my regular season at Yankee Stadium.  I finish with an 11-3 record.  Not bad and certainly better than last year’s 12-8 record.

Notes on the game:

Since the Yankees will be on the road during the 10th anniversary of 9/11 they used today’s game to honor those who fell that day.  The day started with a message from Michelle Obama.  I couldn’t understand what she was saying. Could be the cheeseburger she had in her mouth. Sgt. 1st Class Leroy Petry, who was awarded the Medal of Honor on July 12th threw out the first pitch.  The Yankees also honored long-time employee Hank Grazioso who lost both of his sons (who worked for Cantor Fitzgerald) that day.  Donald Rumsfeld was also honored before the game, which, given this is New York was either an act of foolhardiness or courage depending on your point of view.

What to do with A.J. Burnett:

Burnett, by all admission is not one of Brian Cashman’s better moves.  His contract is a millstone which means we probably won’t be able to unload him on anyone. Other than releasing him and eating the rest of the contract money I have a humble suggestion:  The surviving members of the Grateful Dead occasionally tour as “The Dead.”  Now a keyboardist for the Grateful Dead has the life expectancy of a fruit fly (see Pig Pen, Keith Godchaux and Brent Mydland).  If we can somehow convince A.J. to take up the piano and tour with them he will be dead by the start of the 2012 season.  Problem solved.  Or we can have him host the Oscars.  No one watches that snoozefest and he’ll never be seen again.  Or we can drop him in East L.A. wearing gang colors.  Or we can attach heavy weights to his ankles, thereby slowing down his gait and tell him to cross Queens Boulevard (known in New York as the Boulevard of Death) during rush hour.  Or we can send him up into the International Space Station but forget to give him oxygen.  Or we cover him in sugar, tell Jonathan Frakes Yummy sugary A.J. Burnett.  Must consume! that he is a donut and watch Frakes eat him. If anyone else has any ideas as to how else we can “disappear” A.J. Burnett send any and all suggestions to me.  As always, all ideas will be kept strictly confidential.  Unless the police start asking me questions, in which case I’ll have to throw you under a bus.

Reader mail:

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “It is my birthday.  Kneel before me and you shall live.”

Um.  There must be something in the water in Brooklyn.  Must be.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Can you help a fellow American down on his luck?

Sorry pal.  I ain’t no damn socialist.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Beauty adds to goodness a relation to the cognitive faculty:  So that “good” means that which simply pleases the appetite; while the “beautiful” is something pleasant to apprehend.

You better not be talking about Olivia Wilde.  She’s mine!

Mike Bloomberg, mayor of New York City writes, “I am a total asshat.  A dickweed. Walking scum. I should be put down.

Relax Mike. We already know.

As I write this the Blue Jays have come back to defeat the Bahstahn Red Sawks 11-10.  So despite today’s loss the Yankees still hold a 2 1/2 game lead over the abomination of desolation in the A.L. East.

See you in the playoffs!

Go Yankees!

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With Fall of Gadhafi, Secret Police Scramble to Adjust

Not only can I kill, but I am knowlegeable in the entire office 2010 suiteWith the fall of Moammar Gadhafi’s regime in Libya officials in his formerly feared secret police have been struggling to adjust.  Recent documents released by the CIA show a force decimated by desertions as leaders attempted to get jobs in the new order.  Typical is one cover letter written by a top double agent to a temp agency:

With my years of experience I believe I’d be a good fit for any mid-level to management level office position.  Not only can I perform any suicide mission necessary, such as assassinating members of the rebel leadership council, poisoning their water supply or torturing them if necessary but I am also adept at the entire Microsoft Office 2010 suite.  I believe my knowledge of Excel and Powerpoint will come in very handy.  I am also available to work overtime and weekends if necessary. References can be supplied but I caution you to send an email rather than trying to contact them by phone as I have cut out their tongues.

Another agent, seeing his livelihood eliminated by the rebel victory tried his hand at stand up comedy in the nascent Libyan club scene:

Why did the rebel alliance leader cross the road?  Because that’s where the firing squad was.  You see, I was going to execute him……….these are the jokes people.  Whoa!  Tough crowd.  Why aren’t you laughing?  You’re all a bunch of f#$#$# zionists!

One former intelligence chief, unable to find work in the security field took a job as a baby sitter.  Writing to relatives he unfolded his frustrations with his new job:

I used to be important. Feared.  I was Colonel Gadhafi’s personal guard.  I’m used to people obeying me. But these kids!  So noisy and when I threatened them with decapitation they said they’d tell their mothers on me.  So I had them all poisoned.  When the head of the day care center found out I was fired.  Me!  Fired.  So I poisoned him.  I got my job back.  It’s a living.  But seriously, with my knowledge of Office 2010 you’d think I could get a job in an office somewhere.

Local Libyan employment agencies report an influx of former security officials taking classes in an attempt to diversify their job skills.

They all wanted to take classes for the Microsoft Office 2010 suite.  They also asked me if I had any classes on how to kill Jews. Unfortunately the how to kill Jews class was all sold out that semester. So they ended up taking needlepoint instead.

With the fall of the Gadhafi regime, many have decided to embrace their former enemy and have sought jobs in the United States.

“They should have no problem getting jobs” said a New York City employment agent.  “I mean they know Office 2010 and how to assassinate people.  Those skills alone should put them in demand with law firms.”

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Yankees Win; Stay Half-Game Ahead of Bahstahn

“With those who don’t give a damn about baseball, I can only sympathize.  I do not resent them.  I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace.  But while the game is on I can’t think of anything to say to them.” ~ Art Hill

The Yankees take the field!

On Saturday afternoon the Yankees took on the Toronto “Eh?” Blue Jays in the second of their three game set at the stadium.  The Yankees started Bartolo “Genetically repaired arm that may or may not be from steroids” Colon (8-9 3.72) while Toronto started Ricky Ricardo Lucy I’m home Romero (13-10 2.97).

Toronto scored (I refuse to use the currently fashionable word of “plated“) first when Adam Lind his a solo shot in the top of the second to deep right field. J.P Arencibia followed that inning with a sacrifice fly that scored Edwin Encarnacion.  2-0 Blue Jays after 1 1/2 inning.

That reminds me.  Bottom of the ninth.  Tie score.  Bases loaded one out.  Jesus is at the plate.  Does he swing away?  Or does he sacrifice?  I’m just asking because I’ve been wondering about that and my medication hasn’t arrived yet.

The Yankees countered in the bottom of the second when Eduardo Nunez (playing shortstop in place of the resting Derek Jeter) singled home Andruw Jones.  Yankee catcher Francisco “I’m from Venezuela and I can tell you socialism sucks” Cervelli hit a two-run home run to left field.  3-2 Yankees after two.

The Blue Jays came back in the top of the third.  Dewayne Wise led off with a triple and scored one batter later when Jose “So not on HGH” Bautista singled him home.  3-3 after three innings.

In the top of the fifth Dewayne Wise homered to right center field.  4-3 Toronto after five.

In the top of the seventh after getting centerfielder Mike McCoy to ground out Colon was lifted in favor of Boone Logan who then got Yunel Escobar to fly out to left field and Dewayne Wise to strike out.

In the bottom of the seventh the Yankees came back with three runs.  After Curtis Granderson was hit by a pitch and Alex Rodriguez walked, Robinson Cano doubled them both home.  Nick Swisher (playing first in place of the injured Teixeira) then singled home Cano.  6-4 Yankees after seven.

And that was the final score.  David Robertson pitched a scoreless eighth and ninth getting his first save of the year while the win went to Boone Logan (5-2 2.72).  Top Yankee prospect Jesus Montero also had his first major league hit in today’s game.

Notes on the game:

It was SMA day at the stadium (Spinal Muscular Dystrophy).  Before the game several sufferers of the disease and their family were introduced at home plate.  The Yankees also presented a check to the SMA association.  A worthy cause.

Unfortunately there was some confusion. Several thought it was S&M day at the stadium.  Leather and whips were in abundance. Fortunately, since we are talking about pro athletes many players on both teams took advantage of the leather and whips.  Mark Teixeira could be heard screaming from the dugout, “Yes, I’ve been such a bad boy!  I need discipline.”

A girl’s softball team from Westchester county was also honored before the game. They went to the world softball finals and, while not winning, were still honored because the girls are just as good as the boys  (well, not literally.  If they played boys no doubt they’d be beaten mercilessly. But let’s just go with the illusion shall we?)

In keeping with the pedophile theme of most team’s theme songs (the Mets have “Sweet Caroline“) the Yankees play the Beatles song “I saw here standing there.”   She was just 17/you know what I mean/and the way she looked was way beyong compare.

Seventeen year old girls?  Isn’t that a bit old for a professional baseball player?

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Why does it hurt when I pee?/My balls feel like a pair of maracas/oh my god I’ve got the gonoca-ca-cacas!”  didn’t fire up the crowd.  Perhaps they just don’t appreciate Frank Zappa like I do.

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “Why does it hurt when I pee?”

It might be the gono-ca-ca-cacas.  Perhaps you got it from one of the hookers in your crawlspace.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Why does it hurt when I pee?”

You live in Philadelphia. You deserve it.

T.S. of Queens but formerly of Philadelphia writes, “The Phillies will win the world championship this year!”

What does this have to do with it hurting when you pee?

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “I am going to burn your apartment building down!”

Wow.  You sound like you’re in a bad mood.  Does it hurt when you pee?

S.J. of Manhattan writes, “I learned a new word.”

Pain while urinating?  (Well, technically that’s three words.)

And so this year my record stands at 11-2.  My next game is Wednesday September 7th against the Baltimore Orioles.

As I write this (Sunday evening) the Yankees have swept Toronto and Texas has beaten Bahstahn giving the Yanks a 1.5 game lead over the abomination of desolation.

Go Yankees!

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Police Manhunt Continues for Curious George

Curious George and his former human companion, the Man in the yellow hatA police manhunt that has spread across several states is on for a curious brown monkey named George.

George, an immigrant from Africa who was brought to the United States by his human companion, the Man in the Yellow Hat, was up until last week a docile, friendly and very curious monkey.  But something changed.  George killed the Man in the Yellow Hat, burned down their domicile, stole a car and was last seen speeding west along Interstate 84.

Police are at a loss as to the reason for Curious George’s actions.

“He had everything.  His human companion was very nice to him.  Why a monkey would behave like an ape I don’t know” said a local sheriff.

But others say that there were signs of Curious George’s  breakdown long before the murder.  Specifically, Curious George had trouble assimilating into American society.  According to a psychologist who treated George in the past:

He was a proud African monkey.  Then he is “brought” to America, though captured would be a better word, by the Man in the Yellow Hat.  Curious George is forced to adapt to the big city life in the United States. It was culture shock, like what has happened to immigrants before him.

Complicating matters was George’s relationship with the Man in the Yellow Hat.

George was a proud, virile, heterosexual monkey.  And here was this man dressed in yellow always holding him.  The female monkeys started to think George was gay.  And that hurt him.

On one occasion witnesses report George arguing with a female monkey and shouting “Oh come on.  I’m straight.  He’s not my companion” before storming off.

Also at play was the fact of Curious George’s mutilation at the hands of the Man in the Yellow Hat.

George was a monkey.  But his tail was cut off by the Man.  Why?  I don’t know.  Perhaps to keep George down. Perhaps the man had a fetish.

Whatever his true reasons, Curious George went berserk and tore off the face of the Man in the Yellow Hat.  He then, perhaps to cover his tracks, burned down the house the two of them lived in.  He is considered, “armed, dangerous albeit tailless.”

Curious George himself has issued a manifesto calling for “all monkeys to rise. What you have seen here today monkeys on the five continents will be imitating tomorrow.”

By a slave’s right to punish his persecutor I rise. Where there is fire there is smoke.  And in that smoke, from this day forward my people will crouch and conspire and plot and plan for the inevitable day of man’s downfall.  When the sea is dead and the land is a wasteland and your cities are buried under radioactive rubble I will lead my people from their captivity.  Oh, and if anyone knows where I can find a tail replacement specialist hit me up.

The FBI has set up a sting operation at all Tail Replacement centers from New York to Pittsburgh.

“We’ll get him. He isn’t going to make a monkey out of us!” said an agent.

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Bono Campaigns to Forgive American Debt

Open up your big Chinese hearts!Activist, humanitarian, philanthropist and rock star Bono traveled to China today to campaign for the forgiveness of the U.S. debt.

Ushered into the office of the Chinese President Hu Jintao, Bono presented the Chinese leader with a t shirt that said (Red) Debt.  He then asked the  Jintao to “open up his big Chinese heart and forgive the American debt.”

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.  And I’m looking for the Chinese to forgive the American debt.  America will never be able to grow and prosper with its unsupportable debt which is far greater than its ability to repay.   If the American debt is not forgiven, uno dos tres catorce!  If the American debt is not forgiven they will not be able to spend more on health care. The United States is a poor, nondeveloping nation.   Is it fair to crush the spirt of Americans under oppressive debt?  I ask you Jintao, may I call you Jin?  I ask you Jin, look at all America has done for China and look into your heart.  Your big big big Chinese heart.

When Bono had finished talking Jintao shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

“Actually my father was killed by American troops at the Chosin Reservoir” he told Bono.

At the mention of that battle Bono once again asked Jintao to forgive the American debt.  Sitting in Jintao’s lap he placed his palm over Jintao’s heart.

“You have a big heart.  It’s the biggest thing about you.”  He then handed him a few more t shirts that said “American Debt Forgiveness (Red)” and “U2 Tax Cheats (Red).”

Jintao asked Bono to get off his lap and then stood up.  He paced around the room a few times, deep in thought. As he was pacing Bono kept up  a chant of “Big Chinese heart……big Chinese heart…..big Chinese heart.”

Jintao then stopped pacing and turned to Bono.

“Will you shut the hell up.  You know what else is big besides our hearts?  Our forced labor system.  Take him away.”

On the President’s orders security guards grabbed Bono.

“Make sure he ends up in a mine.  I want him working 16 hours a day” said Jintao.

Bono was dragged out of the room screaming “Uno dos tres catorce!  Catorce!  Catorce!   When the Edge finds out he’ll be really angry!”

Jintao grabbed a cigar and lit it.  “What an idiot.  I can’t believe he was ever married to Cher.”

China’s official news agency has announced that the singer called Bono has been tried and convicted of espionage and interfering with Chinese State interests.

China also announced that in the name of peace Bono will be released if the rest of the world asks.

So far no one has.

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Tactics of American Army Call Morality of War into Question

The so-called American army are nothing but terrorists! Dateline December 27, 1776.  Ye Olde New York Times

Ye Olde New York Times, while always opposing the war has reserved judgment as to the actions of the so-called American army and their commander, George Washington.  However after the dastardly sneak attack on sleeping Hessian soldiers in Trenton yesterday we can no longer withhold our outrage.

In contravention of all known rules of morality, in contravention of accepted Christian principles of war Washington and his troops crossed the Delaware River, marched into the City of Trenton and, without warning, attacked sleeping Hessians of color, killing 22, wounding many more and taking almost 1000 of the King’s brave mercenaries prisoner.

The dastardly and unprovoked attack by Washington on sleeping soldiers during Christmas, a sacred day to the Germans points out that the so-called American army has repeatedly enaged in uncivilized and brutal warfare.

Is this the depths that Washington’s army has sunk?  Is this what our continent will be known as throughout the civilized world?  As a place of brutality that would make savages blush?

We ask all concerned citizens to shun Washington and his troops.  They must get the message that their tactics will not be tolerated.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times are confident that Washington and his so-called army (really a band of terrorists) will soon feel the cold fury of an enraged nation.  We are confident they will have to go into hiding.   We are confident that the troops of his Royal Highness King George III will soon capture Washington and put him on trial.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times are emboldened by the growing anti-war movement in the 13 colonies.  All throughout universities on this continent, enlightened students, representing the best and brightest of our land have been holding marches and rallies expressing their opposition to further bloodshed.

In particular we must commend one Cindy McSheehan whose son was killed by Washington’s troops during the Battle of Long Island.  This courageous woman. her tears representing her moral authority, are a reminder that every day the call for peace is growing.  We hope that soon peace will be restored to our land.

The Editorial Board of Ye Olde New York Times

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Anti-War Rally Postponed Due to Lack of Giant Puppets

Puppets for peace!The anti-war rally “Take Back America from the Fascists” billed as “the largest anti-war rally in weeks” has been postponed.  Organizers cited problems getting necessary permits, trouble getting word out about the rally and, most importantly, no giant puppets.  Said an organizer:

America is a fascist nation that wages illegal wars against peoples of color.  A nation of college kids is going to rise up and take back our country.   We have the people on our side.  We have morality on our side.  We have lovers of peace on our side.  Moral outrage is the key to the success of the anti-war movement.  Well, that and giant puppets.  We didn’t have the giant puppets.  And without giant puppets marching beside us we might look foolish.

Many in the anti-war movement, while regretting the cancellation of the march, agree that it was the best thing to do under the circumstances.

If you look at it historically, the anti-war movement and the giant puppet movement were born at the same time.  They go hand in hand.  To have an anti-war march without giant puppets, well, that’s just wrong.

Some place the blame for the lack of giant puppets squarely on the shoulders of George W. Bush.

Before Bush left office Cheney told him to purposely put this country in a great recession in hopes of adversely affecting giant puppet makers.  I hate him more than my Dad!

Even if giant puppets were in fact available for the rally, organizers might have had to cancel it due to the lack of people with experience walking in giant puppet costumes.

It’s a very specialized field.  And unfortunately all the people with experience walking in giant puppet costumes have all gotten jobs in Hollywood.  I tried placing an ad on Craigslist for a puppet master but the person who answered the ad wanted to know what my safe word was.  I don’t even think he’s ever been inside a giant puppet.  And that type of person is not what we need in the anti-war movement.

Responding to criticism that he has not done enough to help the giant puppet industry, President Obama  has promised to send to congress a stimulus bill for $10 trillion dedicated solely to building giant puppets that also act as wind turbines.

My administration is dedicated to restoring our economy, green energy and giant puppets.  Let us combine all three.

The giant puppet stimulus bill is expected to meet opposition from teabaggers who lack nuance.

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Fed Reduces Interest Rates to -2 Percent

Don’t hire a clown.  Hire Ben Bernanke!The Fed announced today that because of a continued bleak economic forecast for the immediate future that it is reducing interest rates to -2 percent, the lowest in history.

“Drop by the Fed” said Chairman Ben Bernanke in a press release.  “Our interest rates are so low we are literally giving money away!”

With unemployment hovering in the double digits, an ever expanding and uncontrollable debt and Europe on the brink of bankruptcy and abandonment of the Euro, expert economists at the Fed decided to take the unprecedented step of reducing interest rates to negative territory.  Said an official at the Fed who wishes to remain anonymous

Yeah, we’re out of ideas.  We’re just flinging poop at the wall and hoping it sticks.  It was either reduce interest rates to negative territory or make gold and silver coin a tender in payment of debts.  But whoever heard of such a wacky and extreme notion as that.  So negative interest rates were the way to go.

Not content with official pronouncements several reporters followed Chairman Bernanke to a six year-old’s birthday party where he was the entertainment.

“The parents couldn’t afford a clown so they hired me” said Bernanke who was in the process of letting children use magic marker to paint his beard.  “Careful kids.  That is non-permanent magic marker?”

Look, as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve I have one top priority:  protecting our phony baloney fiat currency.  Our paper money is useless.  It’s a facade, like my sexuality, my belief in a higher power and my love of Lindsay Lohan.  Useless!  Useless!

Attempts at asking follow up questions of Bernanke ended when the peeved chairman struck a child.

Dammit, you said this was non-permanent magic marker? Now look at my beard!  I can’t testify in front of congress like this?  I’d look as ridiculous as James Clapper when he said the Muslim Brotherhood wasn’t sectarian.  Anyone have any grey magic marker?  F#(#$ kids.

In conjunction with their new interest rates the Fed has unveiled a new ad campaign featuring Kim Kardashian.  In the first commercial released Ms. Kardashian talks about the economy:

I may not know much about economics but I do know that the Fed is giving money away.  They have it coming out of their wazoo.  And speaking of wazoos look at mine.

The new commercials will start airing in September.

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My Exclusive Interview With Hurricane Katrina

Hurricane Katrina - racistHere at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel my windowless basement studio I pride myself on getting interviews with some of the most fascinating people my hallucinations in the world. Today is no exception. Since barreling into New Orleans six years ago Hurricane Katrina has avoided contact with the media. Until now. I am pleased to snag the first exclusive interview.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.  I have to start out with the question everyone wants to know.  Why New Orleans?

Katrina:  I hate black people.

MI:  Wow.  I……..I don’t know what to say.  I wasn’t expecting that answer.

Katrina:  You shouldn’t be surprised.  All weather-related events are caused by racism not environmental factors.  Remember Hurricane Dennis?  Klan member.  So anyway I knew New Orleans had levees that were vulnerable and the army corp of engineers showed me where to topple them.

MI:  This is.  Okay I can see that this interview is going to be controversial.

Katrina:  Me and the other hurricanes have talked and we really want to get a crack at Detroit but we haven’t found a way to maintain strength over land yet.

MI:  Logistics aside what’s the purpose of going after Detroit.  It looks like a hurricane already hit it.

Katrina:  Good point.  I guess it’s the principle of the matter.

MI:  Moving on.  What is your relationship like with the other weather events. You know, tornadoes, blizzards, etc.

Katrina:  Tornadoes?  What a bunch of prissy  little bitches.  They show up, do little damage and then pat themselves on the back about how powerful they are. They’re like the Carolina Panthers.  We hurricanes hate them.  Earthquakes.  I like Earthquakes.

MI:  Well, technically an earthquake is not a weather event.  It’s plate tectonics.

Katrina:  Oh, you believe that lie?

MI:  Lie?  Well, no it’s been scientifically proven.

Katrina:  Right.  And it’s been scientifically proven that Ricky Martin is still waiting for the right woman.

MI:  What are you saying.

Katrina: Are you dense?  Do I have to spell it out for you?  Sarah Palin causes earthquakes. It’s true.  I read it in Huffington Post.

MI:  Okay.  Final question.  What have you been doing with yourself the past six years?

Katrina:  I’m in Hollywood now.  Shopping around a screenplay.  Doing some open mikes.  I just got an agent.

MI:  What’s the title of your screenplay?

Katrina:  I Hate Black People.

MI I might have known.

Katrina:  Hey, if you see Hurricane Irene tell her to call me. I have some category 5 tips.

MI:  I’ll do that.  Thank you and goodbye.

Katrina:  Remember, life blows.  It’s an inside joke with us hurricanes.

MI:  Okay.

Katrina: And tell your readers that if they are in the LA area to drop by open mike night at the Comedy Cellar.  I can’t go on unless I bring three audience members.

And that was my interview with Hurricane Katrina.  I never knew hurricanes had so many issues.

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