Fed Reduces Interest Rates to -2 Percent

Don’t hire a clown.  Hire Ben Bernanke!The Fed announced today that because of a continued bleak economic forecast for the immediate future that it is reducing interest rates to -2 percent, the lowest in history.

“Drop by the Fed” said Chairman Ben Bernanke in a press release.  “Our interest rates are so low we are literally giving money away!”

With unemployment hovering in the double digits, an ever expanding and uncontrollable debt and Europe on the brink of bankruptcy and abandonment of the Euro, expert economists at the Fed decided to take the unprecedented step of reducing interest rates to negative territory.  Said an official at the Fed who wishes to remain anonymous

Yeah, we’re out of ideas.  We’re just flinging poop at the wall and hoping it sticks.  It was either reduce interest rates to negative territory or make gold and silver coin a tender in payment of debts.  But whoever heard of such a wacky and extreme notion as that.  So negative interest rates were the way to go.

Not content with official pronouncements several reporters followed Chairman Bernanke to a six year-old’s birthday party where he was the entertainment.

“The parents couldn’t afford a clown so they hired me” said Bernanke who was in the process of letting children use magic marker to paint his beard.  “Careful kids.  That is non-permanent magic marker?”

Look, as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve I have one top priority:  protecting our phony baloney fiat currency.  Our paper money is useless.  It’s a facade, like my sexuality, my belief in a higher power and my love of Lindsay Lohan.  Useless!  Useless!

Attempts at asking follow up questions of Bernanke ended when the peeved chairman struck a child.

Dammit, you said this was non-permanent magic marker? Now look at my beard!  I can’t testify in front of congress like this?  I’d look as ridiculous as James Clapper when he said the Muslim Brotherhood wasn’t sectarian.  Anyone have any grey magic marker?  F#(#$ kids.

In conjunction with their new interest rates the Fed has unveiled a new ad campaign featuring Kim Kardashian.  In the first commercial released Ms. Kardashian talks about the economy:

I may not know much about economics but I do know that the Fed is giving money away.  They have it coming out of their wazoo.  And speaking of wazoos look at mine.

The new commercials will start airing in September.


4 Responses

  1. At my age, Kim, all I can do is look.

  2. innominatus says:

    “-2” is Bernankespeak for dropping a deuce.

  3. Matt says:

    Love for Lindsey Lohan? It’s worse than I thought, and I thought it couldn’t get any worse.

  4. MK says:


    You should see what i got from national review on Mr Geithner Tim.

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