In Rainy, Miserable North(West) East Yankees Lose to Baltimore

“I don’t want to play golf.  When I hit a ball I want someone else to go chase it” ~ Rogers Hornsby


What’s more fun than a baseball game played in the cold, wind and rain?  Why an extra inning game played in cold, wind and rain.

Welcome to New York City. Twice as rainy as Seattle but with half the anarchists.

The day after the Yankees suffered through a four-hour rain delay to beat Baltimore they again took the field in rain for the final game of their three-game series.  The Yankees started A.J. “Head case. Pathetic.  Mediocre pitcher.  Can’t unload him because of his f##$* contract” Burnett (9-11 5.27) while Baltimore started Zach Britton (9-9 4.22 ERA.)

Since yesterday’s game ended around 2 AM the Yankees had their “D” team on the field.  Of the regular starters only Alex Rodriguez and Russell Martin (who did not play in last night’s game) and Nick Swisher were in the starting lineup.  The rest consisted of Brandon “who?” Laird at first, Ramiro Pena at second, Eduardo “Me see ball, me drop ball” at shortstop,  Andrew “never done steroids” Jones in left field and Greg “should choose another career” Golsen in center field.  Our DH was Jesus Montero.

I know it’s our “D” team but not to worry.  We can still beat the worst team in baseball can’t we?  (See:  A.J. Burnett as starting pitcher.)

Baltimore scored first in the top of the first when Nick Markakis grounded out to second allowing Matt Angle to score.  The Yankees took the lead briefly in the bottom of the first when Alex Rodriguez doubled home Russell Martin and Nick Swisher. 2-1 Yankees after one.

In the top of the second Kyle Hudson was safe on Brandon Laird’s fielding error.  This allowed Nolan Reimold to score.  Tie score after two.

In the top of the third Nolan Reimold hit a two-run home run to deep left. 4-2 Orioles after three.

In the bottom of the fourth Jesus “is my hero” Montero singled to deep right center scoring Rodriguez and Jones.  Tie score after four.

And that’s how the score stayed until the top of the 11th when Eduardo “whoops” Nunez botched a sure out.  This would come back to bite the Yankees as that runner (Matt Angle) later scored what would be the winning run on a Mark Reynolds single.

Final score:  Orioles 5 Yankees 4.  Pedro Strop (1-1 2.77) got the win for Baltimore while Hector “Please don’t attach my dead body to the back of your chariot and drag it around the walls of Troy for everyone to see” Noesi (2-1 3.42) was the losing pitcher for the Yankees.

And so ends my regular season at Yankee Stadium.  I finish with an 11-3 record.  Not bad and certainly better than last year’s 12-8 record.

Notes on the game:

Since the Yankees will be on the road during the 10th anniversary of 9/11 they used today’s game to honor those who fell that day.  The day started with a message from Michelle Obama.  I couldn’t understand what she was saying. Could be the cheeseburger she had in her mouth. Sgt. 1st Class Leroy Petry, who was awarded the Medal of Honor on July 12th threw out the first pitch.  The Yankees also honored long-time employee Hank Grazioso who lost both of his sons (who worked for Cantor Fitzgerald) that day.  Donald Rumsfeld was also honored before the game, which, given this is New York was either an act of foolhardiness or courage depending on your point of view.

What to do with A.J. Burnett:

Burnett, by all admission is not one of Brian Cashman’s better moves.  His contract is a millstone which means we probably won’t be able to unload him on anyone. Other than releasing him and eating the rest of the contract money I have a humble suggestion:  The surviving members of the Grateful Dead occasionally tour as “The Dead.”  Now a keyboardist for the Grateful Dead has the life expectancy of a fruit fly (see Pig Pen, Keith Godchaux and Brent Mydland).  If we can somehow convince A.J. to take up the piano and tour with them he will be dead by the start of the 2012 season.  Problem solved.  Or we can have him host the Oscars.  No one watches that snoozefest and he’ll never be seen again.  Or we can drop him in East L.A. wearing gang colors.  Or we can attach heavy weights to his ankles, thereby slowing down his gait and tell him to cross Queens Boulevard (known in New York as the Boulevard of Death) during rush hour.  Or we can send him up into the International Space Station but forget to give him oxygen.  Or we cover him in sugar, tell Jonathan Frakes Yummy sugary A.J. Burnett.  Must consume! that he is a donut and watch Frakes eat him. If anyone else has any ideas as to how else we can “disappear” A.J. Burnett send any and all suggestions to me.  As always, all ideas will be kept strictly confidential.  Unless the police start asking me questions, in which case I’ll have to throw you under a bus.

Reader mail:

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “It is my birthday.  Kneel before me and you shall live.”

Um.  There must be something in the water in Brooklyn.  Must be.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Can you help a fellow American down on his luck?

Sorry pal.  I ain’t no damn socialist.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Beauty adds to goodness a relation to the cognitive faculty:  So that “good” means that which simply pleases the appetite; while the “beautiful” is something pleasant to apprehend.

You better not be talking about Olivia Wilde.  She’s mine!

Mike Bloomberg, mayor of New York City writes, “I am a total asshat.  A dickweed. Walking scum. I should be put down.

Relax Mike. We already know.

As I write this the Blue Jays have come back to defeat the Bahstahn Red Sawks 11-10.  So despite today’s loss the Yankees still hold a 2 1/2 game lead over the abomination of desolation in the A.L. East.

See you in the playoffs!

Go Yankees!


1 Comment

One Response

  1. Just tell Jimmy Hoffa that AJ is a Tea Party member. The Burnett problem will be solved in short order.

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