Recently the issue of native American heritage has been in the news  with the discovery that Elizabeth Warren, Democratic nominee for Senator from Massachusetts. is native American.  In my perambulations around the Island of Manhattan there has to be a bar around here that hasn’t kicked me out people often ask me how they can establish if they are native American.

And who wouldn’t want to have native American heritage?  They are a noble race and have lots of casino money to burn. Well readers.  Ask no more. Here is a handy guide to establishing your native American heritage.  Just take this simple quiz and grade yourself.  Who knows?  You might be a way-to-cool-for-school minority!

Answering “A” is worth 1 point.  Answering “B” is worth 5 points.  Answering “C” is worth 10 points.  Good luck!

• Have you ever felt guilty watching a Western?

A.  Never.

B.  Yes.

C.  I have high cheekbones.

•  If you answered “Yes” to the first question, why did you feel guilty?

A.  I had just masturbated.

B.  It made me uncomfortable watching native Americans forced off their land.

C.  They have high cheekbones just like me!

•  Does the “Trail of Tears” mean anything to you?

A.  Trail of Tears?  That happens after every time I masturbate.

B.  It was not a proud moment in American history.  Those poor noble native Americans!

C.  Trail of tears?  They run down my sexy and very high cheekbones!

• Should the United States government give land back that they stole from native Americans?

A.  Hey, it’s totally natural.  Everyone touches themselves at some point and I’m very lonely.  Why doesn’t she call?

B.   We have a moral duty to give the land back.

C.  My high cheekbones burn with anger at the thought that the white man stole my ancestor’s land.

• Have you ever been thrown out of a bar in Manhattan at 4 am? I wasn’t You weren’t even doing anything wrong! 

A.  This happens to the Manhattan Infidel  me all the time.  What’s up with these jerk bartenders?

B.  Okay so maybe calling the bartender an “Irish prick” wasn’t the right thing to do but like I’m supposed to believe him when he says the jukebox isn’t working.

C.  The Irish prick was just jealous of my sexy and high cheekbones.

Now wasn’t that test easy?  Now it’s time to tally up your score.

If you have between three and seven points you have no native American heritage in you.  You may have high cheekbones but they are probably the result of automobile accident.

If you scored between eight and 15 points there is a slight possibility you have native American heritage. Does your family have any oral history of an ancestor who perhaps was a half-breed?  If you don’t have high cheekbones consider plastic surgery.

If you scored more than 15 points then congratulations!  You are a bona fide native American.  You are noble and your racial consciousness burns with indignation over the land that was taken from you.  Don’t believe me?  Just look in the mirror and check out those high cheekbones!  Those in themselves are proof of native American heritage.  Use your new-found racial identity to begin a career in politics.

There you have it readers.  I hope all of you discovered native American heritage.  But seriously there has to be a bar somewhere around here that hasn’t banned me.

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Here at Manhattan Infidel I am always taking photos of my penis with my iPhone looking for ways to improve the lives of my readers.  My latest installment in that award-winning series c’mon I sent you a text of my penis – doesn’t that prove I love you? will deal with computers.

We all use computers.  From checking Facebook to using them at work.  But just because you are at work does not mean you can’t have fun with your computer yes that’s my penis.  No it’s just a cold sore.

And so I now present:  Fun with Microsoft Office:

We all use email.  It is an important tool of modern life.  It facilitates the flow of modern business.  But lets face it.  Most of us have very boring jobs that deprive us of time we should be spending texting photos of our penis with our families.  But just because one is stuck in a cubicle does not mean you can’t have fun.  Try out these fun ideas and watch the wackiness ensue:

• Hack into a coworker’s email and change his signature to “I ain’t paying you dance honey.  Now strip or I shoot your husband.”
• Send an email out to everyone on the global address list stating that “If my demands are not met immediately the stench of burning flesh will fill your nostrils and blood will wade through the halls!”  Wait ten minutes and then recall the message.  If anyone expresses a concern just tell them that your account must have been hacked while you were texting photos of your penis.
• You have a new female boss.  When emailing her always refer to her as “Tits McGee.”  If she expresses displeasure email her, “Quit yapping and go cook me something. You’re a woman.  It’s your duty!”
• Send the following email out around Easter:  “I want to wish a great Easter to everyone.  And to those who celebrate Passover:  You killed Christ. Happy?”
• There is going to be a company-wide picnic.  Refuse to go unless they add a “wet t-shirt contest.”  Email the coordinators “I hate picnics and If I have to go I had better see boobies!”
• A beloved coworker is retiring. Wish them a happy retirement with the following email:  “Good luck! You will be missed and may you have a long and happy retirement.  Though statistics show that you’ll probably have a stroke within a year or two and become incapacitated.  And everyone knows being a drooling vegetable is no fun.  Can I have your office now?”

And there you have it readers.  Just follow these steps and I guarantee a happy, fun work environment.

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The director of the Secret Service, Mark J. Sullivan has announced far-reaching changes in the agency designed to head off an further scandals such as the one currently gripping the agency.

As the leader of this agency I of course take full responsibility for this scandal.  This happened on my watch.  Yes I could resign but why should I suffer?  No.  The best punishment I can think of is to fire some underlings.  Perhaps some janitors. And of course some of the I.T. staff.

Congressional leaders who have been investigating the scandal say that firing some of the I.T. staff will not be enough.  Said one senator who wishes to remain anonymous:

Sure firing I.T. people is fun.  Sure it’s rewarding.  Hell who doesn’t enjoy firing those computer geeks? It’s fun watching them shuffle out of the building carrying their belongings in a box.  But in this case more needs to be done.  We have been in discussions with the Service and we think we have a plan.

The plan, dubbed “Whore be More” includes the following provisions:

• Whore stipends will be increased.

“The reason the scandal exploded in the first place is that our agents only have a 28 dollar a day whore stipend.  That hasn’t been increased since the Johnson Administration.  I’ve been trying to get this increased since I became the agency’s director.”

The plan, pending congressional approval, will increase whore stipends based on seniority.

• Agents with one to five years service will be given a stipend of $50 a day for the purposes of oral intercourse.

“I think that should cover any emergency the agents have.  50 dollars always works for me.  Unless I’m in New Jersey.  Then it’s more expensive.”

•  Agents with five to ten years seniority will be given $150 a night for oral and vaginal penetration.
•  Agents with more than ten years experience will be given $250 a night for oral, vaginal and anal penetration.
•  Managers and those in supervisory positions will continue to receive their $350 a night stipend for all auto-erotic activity including but not limited to stimulation and asphyxiation.

“We couldn’t leave the managers out.  Because when you think of a supervisor what’s the first thing that comes to mind?  Auto-erotic activity in their office.  Late at night.  Which may or may not include hand cream and some sort of pump.”

The plan has widespread bipartisan appeal.  And despite the government’s deficit Sullivan has no worries as to where the money will come.

I’m no economist.  I just work for the government.  Hell, we’ll just print up some more money.  Quantitative easing I think they call it.  I could use some quantitative easing now.  Where the hell is my pump?

The Secret Service agents contacted about the plan expressed support as long as the stipends include provisions for South American girls.

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The recent embarrassing sex scandal involving the Secret Service had shed unwanted light on the organization charged with protecting the president.  Specifically it has revealed the heretofore unknown “frat-house” atmosphere that just-released documents show has existed from the agency’s beginning.

Shortly after its creation by President Lincoln the following document, obtained through the freedom of information act shows even then how deeply imbedded the culture already was:

April 14th 1865

Secret Service Headquarters

Sir:

I understand that President Lincoln will be attending a play tonight and we are to guard him.  Will his wife be there?  I would prefer not to see her.  I mean come on.  Woof woof!  I saw her briefly last year and it took my testicles a full week to fully descend again.  All I’m saying is if it is at all possible she not be there it would improve morale among the force.  And you know what would improve morale even more among the force?  South American girls.

In 1881 President James Garfield was shot by Charles Guiteau at the Baltimore and Potomac railroad station in Washington D.C.  For months Garfield lay wounded and weak.  This recently declassified memo shows Secret Service agents discussing the shooting of the president.

…..I had accompanied the president to the railroad station. We were on our way to a college where the president was to deliver a speech. I guess I was distracted because I was thinking of all those hot coeds.  And you know how sex-crazed coeds are.  There’s only one thing better than a sex-crazed coed and that’s a South American sex-crazed coed……after the president was shot we took him to the White House……..I was very upset that the president’s shooting meant no coeds. Bastard should have ducked.

On September 6th 1901 President William McKinley was shot in Buffalo, New York.  The following document shows Secret Service concerns over the Presidential visit.

Buffalo?  Buffalo? You’re kidding. Fatso (McKinley) wants to go to Buffalo?  Do you have any idea how cold the women are in Buffalo?  Is there any chance we can get him to visit South America?  Maybe Brazil or Columbia?  The women there are insatiable.  And I hear they have a new vaccine for venereal disease so we won’t have to worry.

On November 22, 1963 President Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas.  This exchange shows the first chaotic moments after the shooting.

Secret Service Agent:  Shots fired at the president.

Dispatcher:  Say again?

Secret Service Agent:  The president has been shot.  I have is brains in my hand!

Dispatcher:  You know what I want in my hand right now?  A South American girl.

Secret Service Agent:  Oh yeah.  They are hot.

With the knowledge of the Secret Service’s past the recent scandal involving Columbian escorts should not have come as a shock, as this recent memo from Agency director Mark J. Sullivan shows.

We needs to reign in expenses.  I suggest paying no more than 800 a night for an escort.  Anything more than that will be disallowed in the expense reports.  Unless of course it’s a South American escort.  They are wild.

Congress will begin hearing into the scandal in May.

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