Lindsay Lohan to Play Britney Spears in the Courtney Love Story

 Introducing Lindsay Lohan as Britney Spears

E! Entertainment Television plans to film a biopic of the Courtney Love story. While roles are still being cast it has been announced that the all-important role of Britney Spears will be played by Lindsay Lohan.

Said an executive with E!:

We are proud to have Lindsay Lohan on board for this project.  I met with Lindsay personally to offer her the role.  She had one question:  Why were the helicopters following her around all the time.  And then she offered to suck my dick for some crack before throwing up on me and passing out.  Which I take it to mean she agreed to our price.  Actually I think she’s just happy to be working again.

Britney Spears will also be in the biopic. However she will not play the coveted role of Britney Spears. The face of Whitney Houston

Yes.  Britney is on board.  Though we felt she lacked the emotional versatility to play herself.  So instead she will be playing the part of Whitney Houston. From Hell Whitney gave the stamp of approval to the casting of Britney Spears We felt that there was only one person who could play Whitney and that was Britney.  And our decision has nothing to do with the fact that their first names end with the same letters.  We in Hollywood do not make decisions in that fashion.  No.  We use Ouija boards instead. And we contacted Whitney on the other side and she is fine with the casting.  At least we think that’s what she said.  It was hard to hear over the screams and the roasting flesh.  Who knew hell could be so noisy?

One last piece of casting to be determined is who will play the title role of Courtney Love?

Robert Downey Jr. will not play Courtney Love

We are still trying to fill the role.  Robert Downey Jr. was originally the odds-on favorite until we found out he was sober.  Typical selfish Hollywood actor!  Well it’s his loss.  So now we watch TMZ every night and read the trade magazines to see who is currently overdosing.  It shouldn’t be long before the role is filled.

The Courtney Love story will air in the fall of 2012 and will be sponsored by Pristiq, because depression is a serious medical condition that affects millions of people.


9 Responses

  1. mark says:

    Who will play Pete Best?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    The role of Pete Best will be played by Ringo Starr.

  3. innominatus says:

    And Mariano Rivera will be played by Dan Quisenberry.

  4. To [mis]quote somebody famous:
    “Facing what [s]he perceives as a choice between ecstatic chaos and lifeless mechanistic order, he accedes to maintaining a separation of asexual purity and brutal sexual reality. And [s]he wears a stoical face before this.”

  5. I dig Lindsey Lohan. I really want to figure out how she’s managed to go from a reasonably cute Hollywood starlet to a meth-head truck stop lot lizard in less than 10 years. Is it diet? Exercise? What could’ve brought on such an awesome transformation?

  6. That’s iindsay Lohan, damn that’s the pits. She used to look far better.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: What could have brought her to such a lowly place? I blame Lifeboy soap (to quote Ralphie from a Christmas Story)

    RWT: Yep. She’s a cautionary tale about drug use.

    EOTS: Hey, if I wanted to get intellectual I’d put my pants back on. Um….

  8. Matt says:

    They better have the detox unit on standby.

    And what, no role for Bela Legosi?

  9. These are all method actors, right? Wow, that’s a lot of buzz jucice!

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