Recently the issue of native American heritage has been in the news  with the discovery that Elizabeth Warren, Democratic nominee for Senator from Massachusetts. is native American.  In my perambulations around the Island of Manhattan there has to be a bar around here that hasn’t kicked me out people often ask me how they can establish if they are native American.

And who wouldn’t want to have native American heritage?  They are a noble race and have lots of casino money to burn. Well readers.  Ask no more. Here is a handy guide to establishing your native American heritage.  Just take this simple quiz and grade yourself.  Who knows?  You might be a way-to-cool-for-school minority!

Answering “A” is worth 1 point.  Answering “B” is worth 5 points.  Answering “C” is worth 10 points.  Good luck!

• Have you ever felt guilty watching a Western?

A.  Never.

B.  Yes.

C.  I have high cheekbones.

•  If you answered “Yes” to the first question, why did you feel guilty?

A.  I had just masturbated.

B.  It made me uncomfortable watching native Americans forced off their land.

C.  They have high cheekbones just like me!

•  Does the “Trail of Tears” mean anything to you?

A.  Trail of Tears?  That happens after every time I masturbate.

B.  It was not a proud moment in American history.  Those poor noble native Americans!

C.  Trail of tears?  They run down my sexy and very high cheekbones!

• Should the United States government give land back that they stole from native Americans?

A.  Hey, it’s totally natural.  Everyone touches themselves at some point and I’m very lonely.  Why doesn’t she call?

B.   We have a moral duty to give the land back.

C.  My high cheekbones burn with anger at the thought that the white man stole my ancestor’s land.

• Have you ever been thrown out of a bar in Manhattan at 4 am? I wasn’t You weren’t even doing anything wrong! 

A.  This happens to the Manhattan Infidel  me all the time.  What’s up with these jerk bartenders?

B.  Okay so maybe calling the bartender an “Irish prick” wasn’t the right thing to do but like I’m supposed to believe him when he says the jukebox isn’t working.

C.  The Irish prick was just jealous of my sexy and high cheekbones.

Now wasn’t that test easy?  Now it’s time to tally up your score.

If you have between three and seven points you have no native American heritage in you.  You may have high cheekbones but they are probably the result of automobile accident.

If you scored between eight and 15 points there is a slight possibility you have native American heritage. Does your family have any oral history of an ancestor who perhaps was a half-breed?  If you don’t have high cheekbones consider plastic surgery.

If you scored more than 15 points then congratulations!  You are a bona fide native American.  You are noble and your racial consciousness burns with indignation over the land that was taken from you.  Don’t believe me?  Just look in the mirror and check out those high cheekbones!  Those in themselves are proof of native American heritage.  Use your new-found racial identity to begin a career in politics.

There you have it readers.  I hope all of you discovered native American heritage.  But seriously there has to be a bar somewhere around here that hasn’t banned me.

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