The director of the Secret Service, Mark J. Sullivan has announced far-reaching changes in the agency designed to head off an further scandals such as the one currently gripping the agency.

As the leader of this agency I of course take full responsibility for this scandal.  This happened on my watch.  Yes I could resign but why should I suffer?  No.  The best punishment I can think of is to fire some underlings.  Perhaps some janitors. And of course some of the I.T. staff.

Congressional leaders who have been investigating the scandal say that firing some of the I.T. staff will not be enough.  Said one senator who wishes to remain anonymous:

Sure firing I.T. people is fun.  Sure it’s rewarding.  Hell who doesn’t enjoy firing those computer geeks? It’s fun watching them shuffle out of the building carrying their belongings in a box.  But in this case more needs to be done.  We have been in discussions with the Service and we think we have a plan.

The plan, dubbed “Whore be More” includes the following provisions:

• Whore stipends will be increased.

“The reason the scandal exploded in the first place is that our agents only have a 28 dollar a day whore stipend.  That hasn’t been increased since the Johnson Administration.  I’ve been trying to get this increased since I became the agency’s director.”

The plan, pending congressional approval, will increase whore stipends based on seniority.

• Agents with one to five years service will be given a stipend of $50 a day for the purposes of oral intercourse.

“I think that should cover any emergency the agents have.  50 dollars always works for me.  Unless I’m in New Jersey.  Then it’s more expensive.”

•  Agents with five to ten years seniority will be given $150 a night for oral and vaginal penetration.
•  Agents with more than ten years experience will be given $250 a night for oral, vaginal and anal penetration.
•  Managers and those in supervisory positions will continue to receive their $350 a night stipend for all auto-erotic activity including but not limited to stimulation and asphyxiation.

“We couldn’t leave the managers out.  Because when you think of a supervisor what’s the first thing that comes to mind?  Auto-erotic activity in their office.  Late at night.  Which may or may not include hand cream and some sort of pump.”

The plan has widespread bipartisan appeal.  And despite the government’s deficit Sullivan has no worries as to where the money will come.

I’m no economist.  I just work for the government.  Hell, we’ll just print up some more money.  Quantitative easing I think they call it.  I could use some quantitative easing now.  Where the hell is my pump?

The Secret Service agents contacted about the plan expressed support as long as the stipends include provisions for South American girls.

(341)