The recent embarrassing sex scandal involving the Secret Service had shed unwanted light on the organization charged with protecting the president.  Specifically it has revealed the heretofore unknown “frat-house” atmosphere that just-released documents show has existed from the agency’s beginning.

Shortly after its creation by President Lincoln the following document, obtained through the freedom of information act shows even then how deeply imbedded the culture already was:

April 14th 1865

Secret Service Headquarters

Sir:

I understand that President Lincoln will be attending a play tonight and we are to guard him.  Will his wife be there?  I would prefer not to see her.  I mean come on.  Woof woof!  I saw her briefly last year and it took my testicles a full week to fully descend again.  All I’m saying is if it is at all possible she not be there it would improve morale among the force.  And you know what would improve morale even more among the force?  South American girls.

In 1881 President James Garfield was shot by Charles Guiteau at the Baltimore and Potomac railroad station in Washington D.C.  For months Garfield lay wounded and weak.  This recently declassified memo shows Secret Service agents discussing the shooting of the president.

…..I had accompanied the president to the railroad station. We were on our way to a college where the president was to deliver a speech. I guess I was distracted because I was thinking of all those hot coeds.  And you know how sex-crazed coeds are.  There’s only one thing better than a sex-crazed coed and that’s a South American sex-crazed coed……after the president was shot we took him to the White House……..I was very upset that the president’s shooting meant no coeds. Bastard should have ducked.

On September 6th 1901 President William McKinley was shot in Buffalo, New York.  The following document shows Secret Service concerns over the Presidential visit.

Buffalo?  Buffalo? You’re kidding. Fatso (McKinley) wants to go to Buffalo?  Do you have any idea how cold the women are in Buffalo?  Is there any chance we can get him to visit South America?  Maybe Brazil or Columbia?  The women there are insatiable.  And I hear they have a new vaccine for venereal disease so we won’t have to worry.

On November 22, 1963 President Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas.  This exchange shows the first chaotic moments after the shooting.

Secret Service Agent:  Shots fired at the president.

Dispatcher:  Say again?

Secret Service Agent:  The president has been shot.  I have is brains in my hand!

Dispatcher:  You know what I want in my hand right now?  A South American girl.

Secret Service Agent:  Oh yeah.  They are hot.

With the knowledge of the Secret Service’s past the recent scandal involving Columbian escorts should not have come as a shock, as this recent memo from Agency director Mark J. Sullivan shows.

We needs to reign in expenses.  I suggest paying no more than 800 a night for an escort.  Anything more than that will be disallowed in the expense reports.  Unless of course it’s a South American escort.  They are wild.

Congress will begin hearing into the scandal in May.

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