“Gehrig’s still mad at me because I slept with his mother and ate all his hot dogs.  No wait.  I ate his mother and slept with all his hot dogs. Mmm.  Hot dogs.”  ~ attributed to Babe Ruth.

The above photo is of the number 4 train going past Yankee Stadium.  Where was it heading?  Was it on a ride to destiny? No that’s ridiculous.  Destiny is not a stop on the 4 train.  Destiny is a stop on the “A” train.

Tonight the Yankees played the division leading God is dead Baltimore Orioles.  The Yankees started Phil “Much like the Irish nation I am a good idea gone bad” Hughes (1-4 7.48) and the Orioles started Brian Matusz (1-3 4.67).

Like most Yankee fans, like most New Yorkers, like most Americans, like most people with a soul, the sight of Phil Hughes warming up before the game had me attempting to slit my wrists with the special Yankee Stadium “gluten-free” pizza.

Hughes actually pitched effectively if not efficiently, leaving the game after 5 2/3 when his pitch count reached the mandatory 100.  For it is written “It is a holy and wholesome thought to take your starting pitcher out after 100 pitches, that he may be loosed from his sins.”  2 Maccabees XII, 46.

And again, “He shall suffer the loss; but he himself shall be saved, yet so as by fire. Oh, and take him out after 100 pitches.”  1 Corinthians III, 15.

But onto the game.  In the bottom of the first Curtis Granderson homered to deep right off the upper deck.  1-0 Yankees after one.  (As it turns out this would be the Yanks only run.)

In the second Chris Davis homered into the Yankee bullpen.  1-1 after two.

In the third after walking Robert Andino Hughes served up a gopher ball to J.J. Hardy that landed in deep left.  3-1 Orioles after two innings.

In the top of the six the Master of Chaos reigned at Yankee stadium.  After Wilson Betemit singled home Matt Weiters Oriole designated hitter Nick Johnson came to bat. Yes.  THAT Nick Johnson.

Regular readers of Manhattan Infidel (those whose medication hasn’t destroyed their long-term memory) will remember that in 2010 I had a feature called “The Nick Johnson Injury Watch.”   Johnson was supposed to be our DH that year but suffered his mandatory season-ending injury in May.  Well, now he’s with the Orioles.  Hence the vague feeling of dread I felt.  A disturbance was in the force.

Anyway, Nick Johnson (batting .000 as it were) hit a fly ball to left field that should have been easily played.  But,  this is Nick Johnson, the master of Chaos.  Eduardo Nunez misplayed the ball and Chris Davis and Wilson Betemit scored.  6-1 Orioles after six.

In the top of the eight Nick Johnson (Chaos, the abomination of desolation) doubled scoring Chris Davis.  7-1 Orioles after eight.  And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

Oriole manager Buck Showalter got his 1000th win as a manager tonight.  This places him 880 in front of Stump Merrill.  Come on Stump.  You going to let Buck do that to you?

Various physicists have speculated as to the exact nature of the Theory of Chaos. Is Chaos a principle?  Is it an entity?  Is it malevolent?  Are you going to eat those cheese fries?  Do you like older men?  Are you a cop? Handcuffs?  Where are you taking me?

Well now we have proof.  Chaos is a living entity.  His name is Nick Johnson.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  For this malevolent force does not even spare himself. Mention his name three times and a child dies.

Reader mail:

The infamous M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “I shot a man in Reno just to watch  him die.”

Well, I suppose that’s okay as long as you don’t smoke.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I watched a woman shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.  Everyone needs a hobby.”

Just promise me you haven’t started smoking.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “There I was in Reno minding my own business when some  a–hole shoots me.  What’s up with that?”

Did you dip your dipthong?  That’s a giveaway you’re from Philly.  In which case being shot is understandable.

Recommended reading material:

Custer and his Wolverines by Edward G. Longacre.

My record this year stands at 2-2.  My next game is Sunday May 20th against the Cincinnatti Reds.

Go Yankees!

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